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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

314 replies

LittleMysPonytail · 27/04/2018 14:47

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

OP posts:
MarieMorgan · 27/04/2018 15:33

Do you think he might be depressed? My friends husband did a similar thing in the months before he took his own life. Sorry not wanting to alarm you just wondered if it might be something other than him just becoming very selfish. He withdrew from family life nearly altogether and spent an awful lot of time running. What made me wonder is you saying that he started running to raise money for a charity that meant a lot to your family. Wondering if something happened that he may be finding difficult to deal with. The comment re running being the only thing that makes him happy is also perhaps a bit of a red flag.

PotteringAlong · 27/04/2018 15:33

I'd really struggle with a partner that didn't have a committed hobby. Luckily mine goes to the gym 6 days a week, runs 5 days a week and cycles twice a week. We get home around the same time after i've done my horses and been running myself so it works well. Would be my idea of hell to have someone at home 'waiting' for me to get home.

I’m guessing from that that you don’t have children because if you do then who on earth is looking after them during this time?!

Original poster
LittleMysPonytail · 27/04/2018 15:34

He was going to start doing two of his shorter runs in the mornings but it hasn’t materialised. If I bring it up he says I’m nagging and it’s his thing and he’ll go when he wants too. I can’t quite believe I’ve just been accepting that really. It’s just such a contentious issue as he is very much addicted to it. He left the house to stay with his parents for a week when I didn’t react as positively as I hoped when he came home full of it because he’d had his first runners high.

He has to drive as commute includes a dual carriageway and it’s a physical job.

OP posts:
oncemoreunto · 27/04/2018 15:38

That is way beyond just being a selfish arse. Is this long standing behavior or something recent? Can you think of any triggers for it?

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2018 15:38

that isnt a hobby that is an obsession

BakedBeans47 · 27/04/2018 15:41

YANBU

He’s a selfish prick.

Original poster
LittleMysPonytail · 27/04/2018 15:42

We used to go through every event but when DD started missing birthday parties and he wouldn’t let me anywhere near the club tent we stopped. We go to marathons now, and local races, as long as we haven’t got other plans.

I run a little but for health reasons I can’t often and he doesn’t like running with me as I’m too slow.

We can’t go to parkrun because DD (she’s 7) has her own club on a Saturday morning that she adores and there is no way I’m making her give that up just to alleviate his guilt.

As I said before, I don’t want him to stop. I want him to do it a little less. He can’t even come on holiday for the full week with DD and I in the summer because of how many days he’s taken off as recovery days.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 27/04/2018 15:43

This is simply unacceptable. I'd be thinking what is the attraction of this running. Is there an OW on the scene anywhere. Why would a man want to spend hardly any time with his wife and family. I'd be seriously thinking about telling him to jog on if things don't change.

Original poster
LittleMysPonytail · 27/04/2018 15:43

He is very unfulfilled professionally. I think his ability at this makes up for it, almost like having a second career.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 27/04/2018 15:43

What are your hobbies? Start arranging activities or evenings out with friends so that he will have to be at home with your DD. You should both get equal free time.

BakedBeans47 · 27/04/2018 15:43

Next time there’s a race day get up and go out before he’s up and leave him with your daughter.

FindoGask · 27/04/2018 15:47

@Redpony1 he could run in the early mornings, as I did for five years when I was a distance runner who worked full time and had a family. Now I'm a weight lifter and I do most of my training in the early mornings now too. Women are expected to compromise and work around their other commitments, but somehow if you ask a man to do the same, people act like you want the moon on a stick.

KateGrey · 27/04/2018 15:47

@Redpony1 I too wondered how you fit it in around your children.

Frankly he sounds like a selfish bore. Where do you and his dd fit into his running plan?!

You’re not asking him to give up his hobby just do less of it which is reasonable. I wouldn’t be having any other kids with him if he sulks off to his parents if you don’t cheerlead for him when he wants you to.

oncemoreunto · 27/04/2018 15:49

I would be tempted to explain that if he continues to put more effort into his relationship with his running shoes than he does with you and you end up separating his eow contact with his dd will have a serious impact on his running schedule.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 27/04/2018 15:50

I honestly think this has got to ultimatum stage. Set out to him again, perhaps in writing, that you and dd have no time with him and that you have no downtime as your work is sprawling into evenings because he is never there to take his share of childcare. Make it clear that you don't want him to stop but you need him to reduce a little as he is completely disengaged from family life and leaving you to do it all. Tell him that if he is not willing to cut down somewhat, he is making a very clear statement about his priorities, and you would therefore ask him to leave. That as things stand, it would make very little practical difference to you if he did leave, as you are already doing it all, but you would be free from the constant resentment and disappointment of you and dd always, always coming bottom of the list.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 27/04/2018 15:52

I do have a degree of sympathy with him, btw. I have a hobby I absolutely love and am very proficient in, and would adore to spend more time doing 8and hence become still more proficient), but due to circumstances I simply cannot, as it would take far too much time away from the family. I take what time I can and, yes, feel a bit sad about the rest, but family quite simply comes first - that's the way it is.

happypoobum · 27/04/2018 15:52

YANBU

I think I would get legal advice, then sit him down and say "I told you it was serious, you wouldn't listen. I have seen a solicitor. Unless you sort this out we are over."

You sound like his slave.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2018 15:54

he wouldn’t let me anywhere near the club tent

Hmmmmm. A friend of mine's DW was cheating with her Iron Man buddy. Not saying yours is but just a thought.

Bekabeech · 27/04/2018 15:56

I would also point out to him that soon your DD will be old enough to look at all his running and decide that her Dad just isn't bothered with her. They are only little for a short amount of time, and he will soon lose the chance to have a real relationship with her.

And I'd probably stop doing stuff for him - why should you do everything?

crunchtimes · 27/04/2018 15:56

I think you need to book in a few joint sessions with a therapist during which time you can discuss the unfairness of the situation and the fact you have no relationship any longer as he is living like a lodger/single man.

I have to say, if he doesn't recognise the impact of his hobby on you and your relationship, as well as with his dd, I would leave him. I can't see how you would be worse off, I wonder do you still love him, and does he still love you, because it doesn't sound like he does.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 27/04/2018 15:56

He wouldn’t let me anywhere near the club tent Oh I would have a wheelbarrow load of questions right there! You do for yourself and your lovely daughter - he can work round you. No more long evenings. Nopetty nope. Stop enabling this entitled chap.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/04/2018 15:58

I think your first step should actually be to work out the practicalities of ending your marriage. Not saying pack his bags tonight, but gather all the relevant information (depending on your finances, whether your home is bought or rented etc) so you know how it could be done.

Because he's already shown that he is very unlikely to listen, or agree to change, and that he is resistant to any suggestion that you and DD are human beings rather than props to his ego - the fact that he flounced out for a week when you weren't sufficiently adoring and servile is a pretty key indicator of what a prick he is.

TBH he was probably always a selfish, self-obsessed prick, but your circumstances meant that either you got into the habit of indulging him, little by little, or the fact that he was 'running for charity' fed his ego enough for him to stay capable of acting like a reasonable person. But it is very likely indeed that you will have to either throw him out or move out with DD - and that he will subsequently prove to be a shitty, indifferent father; the sort who cancels seeing her because he'd rather be running about...

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 27/04/2018 16:00

And you could point out that if you split up because of this he will then have to do all his own household chores and 50% of the childcare. So why not give it a go now instead Hmm

Stitchintimesaves9 · 27/04/2018 16:01

LittleMys did I read that right that he took himself off the his parents' house when you didn't react positively to his running high? If so that's just not acceptable. If I was his DM I'd have kicked him right back home to his family!

InDubiousBattle · 27/04/2018 16:06

I think he need to know that this obsession could cost him his marriage. You need to tell him. Soon. He is being very unreasonable putting his hobby so very far above his family. I simply can't believe he won't go on holiday for a week with you and your dd, that's appalling.

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