AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

It has to worth working out what a good life with your dh would look like and doing everything you can to get there in say a six month timeframe. That way if you decide the relationship cannot be salvaged you will know you have tried everything. I wouldn't just talk that is a passive response, I would put in place new actions. Some of your comments like the washing one indicate that your DH knows you are unhappy but is choosing to ignore it.

OP has told her H she is unhappy. He is well aware. He has explicitly said he will do as he wishes.

Glad to hear you're not jumping ship. I don't think you should walk away from the marriage.. Spell it out to him what an arse he is being. My dad was similar over cricket. He never did change but we adapted to it.

PS I had a happy childhood.

I had a husband like this 15 years ago and I had to join in along with our children or we never saw him. I used to ask him to cut down but he said it is all or nothing. He was very good in his early years (2.28 marathon). I was proud but missed him terribly. Can you not go along to the park run with him, and run it, if your child is at a club use that time to do that together. I know from experience he won’t give up unless you threaten to leave him or like my husband he got old and couldn’t get the times he wanted so he bought himself a motorcycle, now he is off in that all weekend. But only in the summer!!. I feel sorry for you but understand he needs to do it he sounds like he is s good club runner and that is very addictive.

Most runners run 3-4 times a week. I expect his friends at running club do, it's going to be normal to him. He gets home at 4.30 and runs for 90 minutes so he's home and showered by 6? That's not bad. Is it?

6.30, I mean.

Missing family holiday time is not cool, however. Nor is expecting to contribute very little to the household tasks.

But why should OP and their dd be dragged along to his races just so they can see him? I’m not saying don’t go ever but it seems highly unfair if that’s the only way the little girl can see her dad.

If he runs seven days a week then that's overtraining.

My DB runs marathons. He runs before his kids are awake. In winter he uses his treadmill. He's a great runner but doesn't belong to a club because they need too much time and a set commitment.

I think the club not the hobby is the issue. He needs to scale down his "responsibilities" to others and focus on managing his time better and more flexibly.

Doesn't sound like he's willing however.

This amateur forest gump needs to get a grip

Your poor mother hoity, who must have picked up all the slack for your father.
Re the ‘for worse’ phase op, is that a fair approach? I know you think it’s fair but this ‘for worse’ is what he is doing to you. Can you ever imagine him doing all the support and parenting while you selfishly take pretty much all your non work time for yourself , clearly assume his work and time don’t matter and explicitly tell him he doesn’t matter? And refuse counselling or doing anything to fix it? How long do you think he would keep going in that ‘for worse’ phase?

The "only thing" that makes him "happy"? For that statement alone he'd be on the other side of the front door within 24hrs. Lets face it, you're just doing his maid work and maintaining the house. You can do that without him too.

Also I'm pretty sure you've posted about him and his hobby in the past?

These threads are always quite similar, it’s never really about the hobbies but about the complete lack of respect. Many people combine work/family/hobbies through compromise. I used to run and would often be up at 5 whilst everyone was still sleeping. I could not live with someone who showed me or my DCs no respect.

It's not the hobby. DH works out 5-6 times a week. I run three times a week. It affects DD not at all! I run a couple evenings when DH is around and very early Saturday. He gets up before 6am and fits the gym around work.

Because we are parents and partners before we are our hobbies.

I'd still see a solicitor. There's a chance he's having an affair.

OP, I think you know that this is completely unreasonable. For reference, a close relative of mine was a serious marathon runner when I was growing up. We're talking representing his country, finishing in the top 20 in the London Marathon, narrowly missed being selected for the Olympics serious. I think he spent less time per week on running (which was a hobby, mostly - he had a full time job, wife and young family). He probably spent the same amount of time actually running, but never drove to do so (unless competing), and had brief showers afterwards! From what you've said, this really is a hobby for your DH, but it's taken over his life. That's the real issue here.

Raindrops OP says he eats a snack, stretches, runs, stretches then soaks in the bath for 90 mins. Hardly done by 6.30!

Do you 2 still have sex ? If you are not then what do you get from him?

I think you need to look deep inside and ask if you are still in love with him and the person he is now.

People constantly change but what makes a marriage work is the willingness for both parties to adapt to those changes and accept the people we become. He has clearly changed but what he isn't doing is adapting so that you and your dd fit in. You have clearly tried to accept what he is doing for himself but rightly so there is only so much you can take.

You need to do what is best and if he isn't willing to adapt so that you can all work together (like you have adapted for him) then you may have to walk away.

You could try leaving him for a while l, go and stay somewhere else so hopefully make him realise what he is missing out on (and not just a clean house and food in the fridge) if you do that though consult a solicitor you don't want to get shafted cause he gets his knickers in a knot!

I was going to suggest a trial separation, including splitting care of your daughter.
Once he realises he has to look after her for 3.5 days he might change his tune.

But sadly this seems the kind of man who in the event of his marriage ending will only want eow contact, freeing him up to run and probably also date other runners. That’s not a reason to stay though.

No one NEEDS to spend so many hours on a hobby. Am amazed at posters on here suggesting OP might somehow work around the status quo. When he’s a shit parent, she does everything, there’s essentially no marriage, just a shared property, and she gets no leisure time.

I agree he's not going to suddenly become super Dad when they split up is he!

@Boredofthisnow86 there are an alarming number of men like this out there. Unless you've done a search I'd guess she hasn't posted before. Cycling running cricket etc etc bloody etc

I’ve thought about posting before but haven’t. I may have mentioned it in other similar posts though.

I really do appreciate all your thoughts and it has reaffirmed to me that I’m not being unreasonable or unsupportive. He is and I won’t have it turned around on me again.

I’m going to make some changes to my routine and see what happens. I’m going to give it three months and see but I’m prepared to separate over this. I do love him but I’m not scared about a future without him either, even though it does feel like a future I don’t want.

It’s very complicated and it is about changing and growing with each other. That really stuck out at me though as he hasn’t really noticed the ways that I’ve changed and it’s glaringly obvious at times that he doesn’t know know me like he used too and it makes me feel like who he loves is who I was in my early twenties. I know that’s probably down to me as well but I feel like I’ve been present and accepted and supported him.

I also agree with the single life comment. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want our family, more that he now prefers simplicity and being on his own would/does facilitates that ease of lifestyle.