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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 27/04/2018 10:31

Well they clearly felt strongly that there was CFuckery going on - you see people on here frequently bowing out of parties and showers because they are really not for everyone and are not mandatory. Only you can say if they are good friends who make your life richer and thus worth keeping

FYI, it is bad manners to ask for a donation to a party as your sister did. The host generally pays

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 27/04/2018 10:33

I think it's a bit unusual to ask people to contribute towards a baby shower. Whenever I have been invited to them before there hasn't been any expectation that I'll pay (just like I wouldn't pay for a birthday party or house warming party that someone invited me to). It's one thing to pay for your own afternoon tea (which I would happily do) but quite another to ask people to pay for decorations etc.

I would just let it go and act normally with you friends, as long as they've put it behind them. Chalk it up to experience! If they are still offended then they're overreacting a bit but you could apologise and say your sister just misconstrued the situation and it wasn't intended to be cheeky.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 10:34

Surely your friends should have wanted you to have the best time possible, and if that meant a few quid chipped in then so what! Would be pulling out of the £250 hen do if I was you.

TawnyPort · 27/04/2018 10:35

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2

Isn't it your sister that put you in a horrible situation over a poxy pound or 2? What was she thinking asking for donations for decorations to a party she invited them to, the express point of the party being to bring presents for you? She was out of line and I would have been unimpressed by her had I been your friend.
I would have paid it and attended but I would have been irritated.

DairyisClosed · 27/04/2018 10:36

I would probably also not give United you were very important to me. The whole I'm inviting you to a party but redirect you to path for it thing makes me irrationally uncomfortable to the point where I would struggle to look your sister in the eye after she encased herself like that. Definitely a situation I would want to avoid.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 27/04/2018 10:36

I agree with @tawnyport incidentally - it's your sister who made things awkward by being a bit of a CF.

Mightymucks · 27/04/2018 10:43

I suspect it’s probably the way your sister worded it which is the problem if nearly everybody is offended.

HoppingPavlova · 27/04/2018 10:46

I have never heard of paying to go to a baby shower. Also gobsmacked at guests being asked to fund decorations for it.

It’s quite different to a hens do where it is traditional you pay for your share of the activities organised and that if the bride to be. However it’s also perfectly acceptable not to take up the invitation for a hen do if you consider it too much money or outside your budget.

thecatsthecats · 27/04/2018 10:47

Ugh, I was a part of a group of five inviting up to forty people to a baby shower. More than happy to agree a budget between us for the ephemeral decoration type stuff, but we didn't then guess that the girl who wanted to organise it in chief sent out an invite to all forty asking for £5 each - for a get together at someone's house! Fortunately the gran to be got wind of it and squished the thing on principle. I was much happier putting in twenty pounds as one of the co-hosts than I was asking all and sundry for a fiver.

A hen party is a different kind of beast. It's a party that you collectively throw, and collectively should get equal benefit from. A shower is something one or a group of people agree to host, decorate, invite more generally, and all people have to do is bring a gift of their own choosing. In my opinion, it is fantastically gauche to suggest people pay an entrance fee for the latter.

Pigglesworth · 27/04/2018 10:47

Yes your sister is the one who approached this badly - charging people to attend a party based on bringing you presents - I would have been very irritated too. I have never been charged to attend a baby shower.

nellieellie · 27/04/2018 10:48

The idea of a baby shower to my mind is that friends group together to host drinks/cakes/snacks, and then guests come for a good chat, laugh and bring presents. I would be a bit taken aback by requests for money. I can imagine friends agreeing contributions for drinks/snacks amongst themselves, but given the main idea of a baby shower is presents for the pregnant woman, to ask for other money seems a bit grabby.
True it’s only a few quid, but the baby shower tradition in the U.K. - well there isn’t a tradition, so it can really divide people. What some people would think of as vulgar and grabby, others wouldn’t. I would never have contemplated anything like it, but I accept that a US tradition has reached the U.K. Times change, but the trouble is, it’s still new enough for there to be no clear rules yet.

Sarahjconnor · 27/04/2018 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boxyfingo · 27/04/2018 10:54

I think a lot of people (in the UK anyway) don't really like baby showers. I am sure that close friends would probably attend to support you and bring you a gift, but would be put out that they were asked to contribute anything more. Sorry but I think your well-meaning sister messed up.

PlanesOverMe · 27/04/2018 10:56

I think your friends are ridiculous! She asked for £1-2 not £50! Refusing to go to a baby shower cos they were asked for a couple of quid is petty. They should have called you and told you what the problem is instead of making you feel like this over a few quid.
I wouldn't go to the hen. If your 'friend' can't spend £2 on you, then she can't expect you to spend £250. I'd be honest about why I'm not going too.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 10:58

When my friend hosted a surprise baby shower for me (and I cringed tbh) everyone brought a foody contribution to her home, not sure how it was organised but I know no cash was involved. Maybe your dsis could have handled it better since its you that now feels shitty. Still wouldn't go to the hen do though!!

TomRavenscroft · 27/04/2018 11:02

I agree with Planes. It seems like they were just waiting for something to be offended about.

I've never been invited to a baby shower but I wouldn't be surprised if someone organised one and said it was an afternoon tea and would cost £x. Neither would I be surprised/offended if the organiser suggested a small decorations donation – she didn't 'charge' them for this – Hmm especially if it was clear that there was no pressure. If I could afford a couple of quid I'd give it; if not, I'd probably find or make some kind of decoration.

I'd also be very clear about why I wasn't going to this hen.

A4710Rider · 27/04/2018 11:03

Baby showers? Pah!

BrownTurkey · 27/04/2018 11:04

People have strong opinions on baby showers. Weird thing to make an issue about, but always worth remembering most people are only bothered about things that revolve around themselves.

morningtoncrescent62 · 27/04/2018 11:12

It seems extraordinary to me that friends would let a couple of quid get in the way of a friendship. So there are two possibilities. One, your friends are not real friends, in which case no way would I be forking out for expensive hen dos. But another possibility is that your sister (inadvertenly I'm sure) got the wording wrong on her invites, and ending up pissing everyone off. If you value the frienships I'd say it's worth even now trying to chat with them about what went wrong, and how it made you feel - you may find there's some justification on their part. If you think they were deliberately being mean and you don't value the frienships, then let it go but don't go to the hen do. If they're not there for you, you don't need to be there for them.

CheeseyToast · 27/04/2018 11:16

Mumsnetters are notoriously angsty about baby showers.

I have no idea why as I think they're quite lovely. Such an exciting time for mother to be and it's all v low key - cakes and cute baby stuff.

I think your friends sound very mean. I definitely wouldn't appreciate being asked for £250 for a hen night in this context. Babies last a lot longer than marriages, your friends need to get their priorities straight.

swingofthings · 27/04/2018 11:17

The problem is that people are already expected to buy a gift if invited to a baby shower and very often that's the only reason people have them so to expect to have to contribute to the set up in addition is very cheeky on my views. I think in this instance I would have paid but reduced my present accordingly.

Viviennemary · 27/04/2018 11:17

I think it's really cheeky to charge people an entrance fee to an event they are invited to. your sister got it massively wrong on this occasion IMHO. They'd be buying a present for the baby presumably.

Viviennemary · 27/04/2018 11:21

So surely this can't be right. Pay for your own afternoon tea, give a donation towards decorations and buy a present for the baby. I would ring round your friends and apologise.

The hen do is a separate thing. It's a lot of money and if you can't afford it then don't go.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 11:25

Thank you all for your comments.

I think the £1-2 was asked for so that nobody would feel awkward when I was given a bouquet and champagne (for after the birth) from the group which was why it was optional.

I agree that it probably could have been worded better.

I think I’m more upset by the fact that nobody had the balls to tell the truth to either me or my sister and, if the tables were turned, I would have donated in a heartbeat whether or not I agreed with the request. At the end of the day, it wasn’t the requested that was hurt over a small amount of money.

Maybe PP is right though, I should chalk it up to experience and let it go. X

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 27/04/2018 11:26

Why would people PAY to bring an expectant Mother a gift?!??

You're meant to host people....they don't pay! Not a pound, not a fiver..nothing!

They bring a gift and you give them lunch!

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