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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
Devora13 · 30/04/2018 08:17

OP glad you had a good time in any event. Since I am being berated for expressing my thoughts on what I see as rather trollish behaviour by some, I will end my contributions here. But yes, your party, not anyone else's rules. And as a baby shower is, as pointed out, an American custom, I believe we have a right to celebrate it in whatever way we wish without people getting uppity about 'not following rules.'

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 30/04/2018 11:48

OP, how much was your hen? Was your wedding a costly one to attend? Did you have a housewarming?

Seriously, why do people not rtft?

OP has stated that the wedding was a small and intimate event, not a lavish expensive do, same with her hen night (because she was pregnant at the time).

@TomRavenscroft - it is tempting to want to shout, isn't it?!

@Lilyvonschtup - I totally feel for you with your DD. My DS had really bad reflux, dairy allergy, soy allergy and gluten intolerance. Screamed every night for the first year of his life before we worked out what he was intolerant to. It's so incredibly difficult, especially when it's your first, and your friends have no idea because they're not at that stage. I was the first in my group of friends to get a house, get married and have a baby, and similar things happened. The friends who stuck around are my true friends - lots of others just disappeared.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack or make it all about me - just saying that I totally understand.

And you are not being unreasonable - they are! The only unreasonable thing you could do is go that ridiculous £250 hen night.

Flowers
TomRavenscroft · 30/04/2018 11:52

SayCool, yes! Grin

Not that it seems to get through anyway when people are being wilfully thick.

Dontforgetyourtowel · 30/04/2018 12:43

Devora as I said before, you did call people names, you just hid behind 'some people on here' which is rather cowardly. I also did not call you priggish. I called your behaviour priggish. Very different. You are obviously not used to being called out on rude and uncalled for behaviour, seeing as you have resorted to calling me a troll. I'll report you for that. Have a nice life though, but do try and not be so rude to others, it will make your life better, I promise.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 30/04/2018 12:50

SayCoolNowSayWhip I didn’t think you did hijack at all. Thanks for sharing your experience - it’s a lonely time that, thankfully, we're reaching the end of.

TomRavenscroft I couldn’t have put it better myself.

Don’tforgetyourtowel she didn’t call you a troll she referred to trollish behaviour; there’s a difference.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 30/04/2018 13:01

@TomRavenscroft, people making you shout and call them thick? You cannot seem to have anyone have an opposite view to you, or you can't reasonably put your point across? So you shout and make call....hmmm!

OP, your "friends" aren't friends, you're opening post gave one fifth of the relevant info. Maybe take a bit more time and not expect people to trawl through all your post and you may get better more relevant responses? You do seem to be all about "me". I've got a mortgage, I e got a baby etc etc. Perhaps your "friends" are tired of it?

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 30/04/2018 13:13

This is a genuine question as I have never used AIBU before.

Is AIBU know for being aggressive and deliberately argumentative?

There have been some genuinely lovely people on this thread, even some whose opinion I haven’t necessarily agreed with. There have also been a lot of people who seem to have come looking for an argument. I’m confused as I thought MN was supposed to be a support network.

Is this the general nature of AIBU?

OP posts:
TawnyPort · 30/04/2018 13:15

It's known for telling the truth, and your seperation of lovely people vs horrible people is as artificial as it is wrong Hmm

Devora13 · 30/04/2018 13:18

Sorry Dontforgetyourtowel I tend to only pay attention to people who practice what they preach. Hiding behind grammar doesn't make something less rude, whether you choose to use prig as a noun or priggish as an adjective. And I wasn't referring to you at all when I mentioned trollish behaviour, contrary to your contention, as I said previously, I wouldn't expect anyone who was confident such adjectives were not referencing them to have any concerns. And yes, I said some people because their were a number of them, but I didn't choose to be so impolite as to draw attention to them by name, either using nouns or adjectives. :)

Devora13 · 30/04/2018 13:22

Lilyvonschtup just read your post and I apologise for getting drawn into a potential hijack of your very valid concerns. A very wise neuropsychiatrist once said 'Don't strive for symbolic victories' and I recognise this was becoming tantamount to a playground squabble. I'm glad that you had a good outcome, both in terms of your day, and recognizing those people who truly are there for you :) :)

TomRavenscroft · 30/04/2018 13:28

Is AIBU know for being aggressive and deliberately argumentative?

Yes. I don't know why but that certainly usually seems to be the case.

Resultreturn · 30/04/2018 13:28

@Lilyvonschtup , it's about differing opinions! Some will think you're right, some will think you're wrong.

Some will revert to name calling, shouting or become grammar police etc.

But if you don't want to hear people's honest views then stay away? Also, i presume all the lovely people are the ones agreeing with you? But you asked AIBU, so some will say yes you are.

TomRavenscroft · 30/04/2018 13:28

Also, i presume all the lovely people are the ones agreeing with you?

The OP has just said the opposite.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 30/04/2018 13:29

@Tawnyport thank you for giving me the answer to my question even if it was in a way you didn’t intend.

@Devora13 thank you for your input. I too am taking my leave now as I agree with you. I have had the questions I’ve needed answered and learned much along the way.
Take care.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 30/04/2018 13:29

Ironic post @TomRavenscroft !!

TawnyPort · 30/04/2018 13:36

I did intend, and you just proved my point Hmm

Lizzie48 · 30/04/2018 15:05

I think a lot of you never left the playground. Charlie97 you seem determined to view the OP in a negative light, I think you would take issue with whatever she said, because you're looking for a fight for some reason.

TawnyPort No AIBU is not about telling the truth, it's about creating your own version of the truth. I think posters decide
Whether they like an OP or not, and once they've decided they don't, nothing the OP can say will change their minds. Because they don't like admitting they might just have got the wrong end of the stick. Hmm

browneyes77 · 30/04/2018 16:07

It's known for telling the truth

It’s not though is it? It’s a forum where people give opinions. The only person who can “tell the truth” is the person who posted the query in the first place.

Everything else after that is just people’s opinions. That doesn’t make someones opinion ‘the truth’, it just makes it what it is, an opinion.

And people can give an honest opinion in a civilised manner to the OP without being nasty and aggressive about it. Which unfortunately some people on here are at times and I think many people often feel worse for coming on and asking for advice in the first place, because they get personally attacked rather than just getting a straight answer/opinion to their issue.

Nothing wrong with disagreeing with the OP, and telling them they ABU, nothing wrong with giving your perspective which the OP may not like or agree with, but some people can take it too far I’ve noticed and are unecessarily rude, nasty and obnoxious and get way too personal in their comments to someone they don’t even know.

TawnyPort · 30/04/2018 16:10

I think posters decideWhether they like an OP or not, and once they've decided they don't, nothing the OP can say will change their minds

I think thats absolute nonsense. How could I possibly decide whether I like an OP or not, never having met them or knowing anything about them? It's quite impossible to do.

TawnyPort · 30/04/2018 16:10

The only person who can “tell the truth” is the person who posted the query in the first place

They are often the one person who doesn't.

Charlie97 · 30/04/2018 16:13

@Lizzie48, you're right I do see OP I'm a poor light, but I'm as entitled to my opinion as you are? Correct?

Lizzie48 · 30/04/2018 16:50

I don't know why you see her in a poor light, she's actually had a very hard time and her so-called friends haven't been there for her at all. Now they expect her to be happy to fork out £250 for a hen do. So I don't understand why you see her in such a bad light. It was her sister who mishandled the baby shower, the OP didn't make the arrangements.

It hardly merits the roasting you and a few other posters have given her. A little compassion goes a long way.

browneyes77 · 30/04/2018 16:54

They are often the one person who doesn't.

Possibly on occasions. But that doesn’t mean that all opinions stated after that are “the truth”. They’re not ‘truths’, they are just opinions based on the info given by the OP.

We go by the information we’ve been given, that’s all we can do isn’t it? Many people answer with their perspective/opinion. Some a little more brutal in the way they say it than others admittedly! But as long as they’re giving advice that’s constructive (and not just bitching at the OP), then there’s nowt reallly wrong with that.

But some just post down right nasty comments and there’s just no need for it. Someone has asked for advice, there’s no need for some to get so personal and attack people personally.

I dunno, I just hate seeing people get verbally attacked and then attacked further when they try and stand up for themselves, as is often the case Sad

Lizzie48 · 30/04/2018 16:54

Maybe it's not about liking them, that was the wrong word. I think you've made up your mind that the OP is unreasonable and entitled and no new information or 'drip feed' as it's called here, will change your mind. You just don't like admitting to being wrong.

Lizzie48 · 30/04/2018 16:57

Spot on, browneyes77 that's it exactly. And sometimes the OP is in a very vulnerable place, or has had a very hard time, as is the case with this OP, and that makes it even worse.

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