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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 27/04/2018 11:52

I think there has been a MASSIVE misunderstanding of American showers being brought over to the UK.

In America, baby showers are hosted by 1-3 friends (definitely not family), usually at the host's house or possibly in a venue. The hosts pay for all refreshments such as a light lunch, or afternoon tea, decorations, cake, etc. Guests bring a small gift for the baby. A shower (bridal/ baby) is a gift that is given to you by the hosts.

I have read several times on here where people are being "voluntold" that they are hosting a party. Where they are told they have to pay for themselves, contribute to decorations, and bring a gift!

The simple rule is: if you invite people to a party, you are the host and you are paying. Especially a gift-giving event. You can't invite people to a party and then pass the bill around.

It is different than a casual meal out with friends where everyone pays for themselves. You can't ask people to pay for themselves AND buy you a gift.

Y (and your sister) ABVVVU!

TheClacksAreDown · 27/04/2018 11:52

Ok that has changed slightly. So I am paying to attend your baby shower. I am expected to bring a gift to said shower. Then I am being asked for money to club together for more gifts for you - I think that bit is poorly judged I’m afraid.

Plumsofwrath · 27/04/2018 11:52

Your sister was ridiculous asking your friends for £1/£2 donations. If it was a high class hotel, one or two pounds is nothing - both to request and to give. It’s moot.

You are both ridiculous expecting people to pay to go to a party that isn’t anything to do with them. It’s not like you’re all going to be having an equally good time: baby showers are ALLLLLLL about one person only.

Even more cheeky would be to expect presents at this, especially if (don’t know if this applies to you) you’ve had a hen party and wedding in recent times.

It’s the world gone mad. Literally what is so amazing about having a baby that people need to take time and spend money, all together and all at the same time, to ooooh and aaaaah over it???!

FASH84 · 27/04/2018 11:53

Wow so £25 for tea, plus a gift for you/baby, is more than enough without requesting donations for decorations or a bottle of champagne for you! If they wanted you to have champagne they'd buy it as your gift. YADBU, it's tacky.

clarrylove · 27/04/2018 11:53

So what was the host paying for? Looks like nothing!!

TheJoyOfSox · 27/04/2018 11:53

I feel you and your sister may be what is affectionately known as CF’s.

You invite people to your baby shower, to which the guest has to pay for their own afternoon tea, presumably you would be expecting a gift too, as per usual for a baby shower, then you ask them to pay to decorate for your party too!

I would have said no to that.

Maybe apologies to your friends and explain that your sister made a massive cock up.

Witchend · 27/04/2018 11:54

I wouldn't have paid £25 for an afternoon tea.

Was the £1-2 instead of all bringing presents or as well?

If it was worded as "Lily doesn't want presents but it would be nice if you could contribute £1-2 so we can get her a bunch of flowers together" then they're being a bit silly.

If it was £25 for tea, plus £1-2 for bunch of flowers plus here's a gift list I would say the £1-2 is probably the straw that broke.

Another time invite them round to yours for tea and cream scones you can do yourself for about £25 total and you'll find people much happier to come.

FASH84 · 27/04/2018 11:57

I really like the southern tradition of a sip n see, takes place after baby is born, the new parents host at home and cater (certainly don't charge an entry fee), and there's a purpose in that everyone gets to meet the baby.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/04/2018 11:57

I’m a bit baffled by their reaction.

Admittedly I’m way past the age of baby showers so I’m not up on the current etiquette but in the context of the £££ people are expected to spend on hen celebrations your sister’s request seems entirely reasonable to me. She made it clear there was no obligation to contribute after all.

I think your sister was doing a nice thing, she had the bother of organising everything, all they needed to do was put in a couple of quid (or not).

Your friends WBU.

Piffle11 · 27/04/2018 11:57

The only showers I've been to were held at the host's houses, and they paid for everything. Your friends weren't only being asked to contribute £1-2 were they? They were having to pay for the pleasure of attending your shower - £25, which isn't cheap - as well as bring a gift. I think your DSis was the unreasonable one.

Bibidy · 27/04/2018 11:58

Seems a bit weird for them all not to come for the sake of a couple of £. Could you ask one of them exactly what the problem was?

However, I'd expect to sort my own gift for a baby shower, rather than be asked to chip in for a communal one.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/04/2018 11:58

Regardless of the baby shower, £250 is ridiculous for a Hen do. I would decline.

TomRavenscroft · 27/04/2018 11:59

they had all agreed to pay for themselves for the afternoon tea.

So they were happy with that. Or willing, anyway. And then they all threw their toys out over another, OPTIONAL, £1 or £2?

I'm not thinking any better of them as your posts go on.

ScipioAfricanus · 27/04/2018 11:59

Very greedy to expect them to pay £25 to go to a tea all about you, also bring a gift, then also pay for extra gifts for you.

Baby showers in general are tacky and grabby in my opinion.

TomRavenscroft · 27/04/2018 11:59

What is all this shit on here about 'entry fees'? Confused

Tiredmum100 · 27/04/2018 12:02

To be honest I would have paid the £1-2. In the great scheme of things I value my friendships far more than a few pound! If you can afford to go on the hen and are happy to leave your baby then I would go. Friendships change over the years and you can be in different stages of your life, but I also think you don't want to jepodise friendships either. You may have more common ground in the future again if they have children. I'm not saying put up with rubbish off anyone but just think if long term it's worth not going.

SleepFreeZone · 27/04/2018 12:03

It does sound as though your friends got peeved at more requests for money when they’re budgeted for the £25 and I assume a gift.

I wouldnt fall out with anyone over it, but if you feel the friendship with the hen is now strained then I wouldn’t be coughing up £250 to attend.

drivingmebananas · 27/04/2018 12:04

Was it really one or two pounds though? If someone asks for a couple of quid as a donation for decor champers flowers whatever isn't it just a turn of phrase? As if anyone would actually give you sister a £1 coin! 😂

So it's more like £5 probably £10 then the afternoon tea then the gift. All this on top of the fact baby showers are grabby and not a British tradition anyway. I would of not gone either.

£250 for a hen night is ridiculous too.

EthelHornsby · 27/04/2018 12:08

Baby showers in general are tacky and grabby

I agree with this - the same with expensive hen dos. I do not see why your friends should be expected to fork out large sums of money to celebrate your life choices, as well as producing a gift, and then presumably being expected to do so again at the subsequent birth/marriage. I find them all grabby and embarrassing.

AgathaF · 27/04/2018 12:09

She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle - I really don't like the sound of this. Smacks of a bitchy little group moan, rather than any one of them just being straight with you or your sister.

VimFuego101 · 27/04/2018 12:10

I would have sucked it up and paid, but I'd have saved your sisters name under 'CHEEKY FUCKER' on my phone from then on. As a previous poster said, nobody is really going to give her a pound coin for donations so she's really asking for another fiver on top of the other costs you mentioned.

Piffle11 · 27/04/2018 12:16

You know, your friends may have been a little peeved about the £25 a head cost for them to attend your shower from the start, but thought, well, it's Lilyvon, of course we'll suck it up and go ... and then get asked for more money. It could be just them thinking that they already thought it was OTT and the extras pushed them over. I do agree with others though: showers, hen parties, christenings ... everything is so blown up out of proportion these days. I wouldn't cancel going to the hen party if you can afford it and are just miffed about the reaction to your shower, but if the money is an issue or you don't want to leave your family then back out.

sallythesheep73 · 27/04/2018 12:18

I think asking people for £1-2 to come to something is a bit weird. A friend of mine had a 40th and one friend organised a whip round to buy a handbag and most of us contributed. but asking for £1-2 is so small its a bit derisory?
Perhaps it was misunderstood?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/04/2018 12:19

It sounds to me as though it was the straw that broke the camel's back! Maybe they decided to back out before the next request for money came.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 12:20

To be fair, my friends were planning a spa weekend costing £175 each as a baby shower (exc gifts) and none of my family were invited. I asked for it to be toned down and more inclusive.

I’d like to address the people who are accusing me of EXPECTING things. I said from day 1 I did not want a baby shower because I know nothing about them. It was my friends who insisted.

My sister hasn’t given me a tally of what she spent but I know that she paid for games, tableware, room decs, her own and my meal. Thank you to everyone offering genuine advice and not criticism of assumptions. X

OP posts:
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