Are my friends unreasonable?

[Lilyvonschtup]

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

So someone organised another shower type event and your friends went to that?

How many events did you have?

I think you're right in that there's been a lot of things assumed, and a lack of consideration from your friends. Keeping YOUR hen do a boozy night out knowing you can't partake and organising things that exclude others that you want there is quite off.

That said, I can understand why the perception of the drip-drip of more costs causes some to draw a line and say "That's enough - I'm out". I've had that with hen dos and it's bloody irritating, and worse when you're also expected to be bringing a gift.

There's quite a bit of resentment towards baby showers generally, so maybe you've inadvertently copped a dose of that, together with a clash of expectations as to who is paying for a baby shower, even if the sort of thing you were going to do was the sort of thing you do anyway. You need to decide if you want to keep them as friends or whether the relationships were on the way out anyway (not all friendships survive the arrival of children, as I've found). If it's the former, talk to them. Ask what bothered them, apologise for any misunderstanding, explain your side of things and see if you can put it all behind you :)

Your friends wanted: You changed it:
a spa an afternoon tea
your friends' group family and friends
hosted by your friends hosted by your DSIS
bring gifts for baby no gifts for baby but
donations for gifts for you

Stop forcing your family and friends together. It's obviously not something your friends are comfortable with. It has nothing to do with you being married and having a baby; it has everything to do with you riding roughshod over what your friendship group actually wanted. You should have had the spa with your friends and let your DSIS host a family shower with afternoon tea.

Arrgh, formatting fail.

I've been to more than one hen do that was a posh afternoon tea. And I've been for loads of nice teas with friends; both have included people who are childfree (like me) and those with children. You can't only like certain things if you're a 'Mum' and other things if you're not.

How lovely for you. And I wasn't speaking in absolutes. I did not say childfree women hate tea. I was referring to what the Op mentioned upthread about what her friends wanted to do. But please, tell me more about what you enjoy because that's what's important here...

@expatinscotland you are out of fucking order!

My hen do was organised by them as a group and I paid for myself and was more than happy to do so!

My baby shower - they were involved in the planning but my sister was the host to make sure it didn’t get boozy or extravagant! They were excited about it until it was suggested that everyone chip in for bloody flowers.

My wedding was me, my husband and our witnesses at the town hall so wind your neck in!

It is in no way unreasonable to expect that EVERYONE I love be part of special days.

You have no idea what has been planned/paid for for the rest of the group so to suggest I bleed anyone dry is out of order.

BTW did I mention part of that £250 for her hen do is for her part and champagne as well?

'It is in no way unreasonable to expect that EVERYONE I love be part of special days. '

Yes, it is when someone else is hosting the event.

You're getting very offended at people who don't agree with you, and this is probably why your mates are backing out of events now.

You also keep drip feeding, and again, maybe your friends are sick of being asked to pay for something and then pay more.

The point of a shower is to give gifts.

They don't want to pay out for the tea. That is their remit. It doesn't make them bad people.

If you want to get all offended then by all means, fall out with them.

I don't like baby showers particularly but I actually wouldn't mind spending £25 for afternoon tea for one. Especially if gifts not required. And if gifts aren't expected, I really wouldn't mind giving £2 for flowers etc.

I think your friends like things their own way. I wouldn't spend the £250 hen do, to be honest. But then I wouldn't under any circumstances anyway

OP you are proberbly right that this thread has become all about baby shower bashing but you cannot ignore all the negative comments about baby showers. They are completely boring, a few hours enduring painful games and mindless chat, expensive as some make you contribute towards the cost then expect a gift, then also expect a gift when the babays born..... being pregnant is wonderful but don’t expect your friends to feel as amazed and wonderful as you do, it’s really quite boring for everyone else until the baby arrives and even that is a few weeks of fuss then back to reality, everyone’s moved on...xxx

Brendas, rather than the afternoon tea being sprung or forced on the friends, the friends had already agreed to it and to pay for it.

The OP also says it's 'the type of thing my friends and I have done for each other when celebrating each other’s birthdays, engagements, new job etc.'

Thank you for the snark, though.

I feel like OP is getting a bit of a bashing here. At the end of the day, she wanted a get together with all the people she loved - friends and family, not necessarily to be "showered" with presents (Yes, I get that that's what it's called, but let's not be too literal here, people) to celebrate the impending birth of her child.
Her friends had already agreed to pay towards the afternoon tea - and if the £1 or £2 was optional, which I understand it was, then why all the fuss from them? Especially when one of them is now expecting OP to pay £250 for a hen night - which quite frankly, I would not do.

My baby "shower" was a meal out, where we all paid for our own food, and I had a present from some of the attendees, and that was lovely. In my mind, it's all about sharing the special moment with loved ones rather than getting het up about money and presents.

Am I right OP?

think your friends are ridiculous! She asked for £1-2 not £50! Refusing to go to a baby shower cos they were asked for a couple of quid is petty. They should have called you and told you what the problem is instead of making you feel like this over a few quid.
I wouldn't go to the hen. If your 'friend' can't spend £2 on you, then she can't expect you to spend £250.

^Exactly this. Your so called friend won’t spend £7 on your baby shower but they want you to cough up £250 for their hen party??????? Unbelievable!

@popchyc no I didn’t receive gifts for the baby. Everyone respected that and either have afterwards or when the baby was born.

@expatinscotland I’m not offended by differing opinions. I am offended by your assumption that I take and take off my friends.

I have no issue with anyone who has said they wouldn’t attend because they wouldn’t pay to go to a baby shower. That’s their choice.

My OP was about the attitude of not even talking to me about it and the double standards of similar events held for them.

You didn't have a baby shower. A baby shower is a hosted and gift-giving event. And never hosted by a family member of the mum to be.

You wanted a casual afternoon tea celebration with your friends where everyone paid their own way.

I suspect the issue is in the marketing and miscommunication. If I got an invitation to a baby shower, let alone a baby shower hosted by the sister of the mum-to-be, where I was asked to pay, I would automatically decline. Even if it said "no gifts", the definition of a shower is to give gifts, so I would assume this was actually expected.

This was a massive miscommunication to call it a shower, to have it not actually hosted but hosted by your sister, and asking people to pay.

Think it's absolutely fine to ask for an optional small donation towards a bouquet/ cake/ decoration - miserable cows!

@tomravenscroft and @ saycoolnowsaywhip and anyone else who has managed to read the details, thank you xx

I'm too old for this to have been a thing when I was expecting. But wouldn't it be simpler to just observe the general party-giving rules: host pays for and provides venue, food and drink; and nice, well-mannered guests bring something (food, drink, games, whatever) to contribute to the general jollity of all and help the host out? If your budget stretches to afternoon tea for all at a schmancy hotel, great. If not, host at home - I've never known anyone be distressed at being offered a homemade cream tea! But don't invite friends to a celebration and then ask them to pay. I think your sister misjudged matters, but your friends don't sound very nice. Why didn't one of them just quietly take Sis aside and say, 'You've put your foot in it, you clod. Row back hard and rescue this event - grovel, apologise, backtrack and everyone will come around. " As others have said, this sounds very Mean Girls.

So with that in mind, OP, I'd be inclined to make your excuses on the £250 hen night. Which is, after ten times what they'd agreed to pay for the cream tea, and then found too much. You'll be buying a wedding gift, going to the wedding (I take it) and spending a fair old bit taking part in the bride's day. Invite a few of them around (assuming you like them enough - wouldn't blame you if you didn't) for cocktails at yours - that's your contribution to the fun.

'I have no issue with anyone who has said they wouldn’t attend because they wouldn’t pay to go to a baby shower. That’s their choice.

My OP was about the attitude of not even talking to me about it and the double standards of similar events held for them.'

Obviously you do have an issue as you created a thread on it and have posted many times about how you've paid out X,Y and Z for this or that event for them, therefore they should, too. Again, it's entirely your choice if you chose to spend a load of money on their events. No one is forcing you.

If you chose to alter the friendships over it, that's your lookout but it's unreasonable to ask guests to pay for a baby shower and for decorations, too because by their nature, the expectation is for a gift.

@zoewashburne I think you’re right about the labelling but there were no invitations as such!

A WhatsApp group was set up and everyone decided what they wanted to do. I wasn’t part of it. X

Sorry, Zoe, but why is it so wrong to have a shower hosted by a family member? The only shower I'm aware of (as I say, I and most of my friends are too old for this to have been a thing for us, but one mother I know had her kids late in life) was hosted by the mother, at her house, AND she even had American friends there. Will they now be barred from returning to the States having participated in this massive faux-pas???

It would be quite a gift from one friend to another to host and pay for a party, but I can see it would be a hugely generous gesture. I can't see any of my friends doing it for me!

Despite not being official invitations, everyone (including yourself) was calling it a "shower". And what your sister had planned was a very, very rude shower.

I would apologise to your friends for the miscommunication and move on.

I love how everyone is getting so hung up on the technical details an semantics of a baby shower. I'm pretty sure there are no actual legal RULES as to what a baby shower entails, as long as it's all agreed upon.
Why can a baby shower not be hosted by a family member? Will lightning strike the party? Will the world implode?

Must we all follow every tiny individual rule that's ever been invented?

And those people who are saying that baby showers aren't fun for anyone apart from the person it's for as it's only about one person..? Ummm... what about birthdays? Anniversaries? Celebrating someone's new job? These occasions usually ARE centred around one person. They don't all have to be smelling nappies and playing boring games - quite frankly, if you're going to be such a boring arse and not contribute to a party (not just financially but the fun factor as well), then you're better off not coming. You don't want to play baby games? Don't play them - think of something else more fun. It's about celebrating a baby.

Which by the way, IS an incredibly important event. In my mind, more important than weddings, birthdays, whatever... The person is making / has made a human! Has grown a child in their belly, from a small pile of cells to an actual living breathing person who will have their own unique traits and personality. That's a fucking miracle. Everyone should celebrate that.

OP I really feel for you. I would totally have chipped in for decs and the afternoon tea, and would never spend £250 on a hen night. Stick to your guns. Your friends are arses. I'd have it out with them - and then in a few years time when they start having their own kids, and realise what it's all about, you can just quietly rise above.

So how exactly was it a 'baby shower' if there were no gifts...??

Wasn't it just a get together to say 'Yay, Lilyvon's pregnant!' which is, a thing, I guess, but not a baby shower.

I'm veering towards Hunters assessment...did you by any chance have an expensive hen do (maybe plural) plus wedding which they had to spend £££ on outfits/hotel/presents not long before the baby shower?

Apologies if that's not the case but on a lot of bridezilla threads people comment about the list of things which people can get asked to contribute to...baby shower being the natural next step from the wedding of the decade - absolutely not meant as a dig but could this perhaps be the case?

@peartree17 A shower is a gift given to you by your community (friends, church/synagogue/mosque members, coworkers etc) to help you and your family prepare for your new arrival- it is seen as rude to host a party that would benefit you and your direct family members.

It is generous, but I think this is the escalation of the party. Usually a shower is a light buffet, cake, and punch most likely all homemade and held at the hosts home for 6-10 people. It isn't this massive meal out.

It would just be seen as really grabby and self serving. It is in the same vein as throwing your own shower.