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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
2andcountingtodate · 27/04/2018 12:24

So did your sister lose her deposit?

I wouldnt pay that much for a hen no way especially with a mortgage, just post baby and wedding.

thecatsthecats · 27/04/2018 12:25

@Piffle - yeah, there's plenty of things I have sucked up with a grin, but found annoying.

I mean, 'no pressure' for £1 or 2 just sounds silly - don't ask. Then there's no pressure.

I have been made guard dog against my sister's friends hosting a baby shower for her. I've been told I can be as 'direct' as I like, and can provide her with double bookings for any attempted ambushes.

Lindy2 · 27/04/2018 12:25

So the flowers and champagne are a present to you. Generally, apart from wedding gift lists I thibk guests like to choose what present they give and how much they spend.
I've only been to 1 baby shower. I took a gift of my choosing (for the imminent baby). The mum to be and her family provided the food and drink. It was nice. I would not however, have paid to attend or welcone being told what I must buy as a gift.

BlancheM · 27/04/2018 12:27

Further to my comment earlier, yes it does seem a bit shit, hopefully they got you a card or present once you'd had baby?
I wouldn't stretch to £250 for a hen do, either. Whatever happened to a blow up dick and a round of shots? Something's gone awry with our generation, people want loads of pomp and ceremony over normal life events.

hdh747 · 27/04/2018 12:28

I think the concept of a baby shower is cheeky to start with. Then having to pay to go, no I wouldn't. But it's a shame your friends didn't have the guts to say so properly. But then I think expecting people to pay £250 to go to a hen do is silly too. I'd just say sorry that's too expensive for me.

getdownoffthatrightnow · 27/04/2018 12:31

You’ve already had the baby? I thought baby showers were for when you were pregnant! I had mine when I was 36 weeks!

Viviennemary · 27/04/2018 12:32

Baby shower as I understand it is people inviting to house and given refreshments paid for by the host and they take a small gift for the baby. None of this bottles of champagne and £25 afternoon teas and £sss towards decorations. Your sister got it wrong. Not your friends.

Ohhhthepain · 27/04/2018 12:38

I think perhaps the baby shower was handled poorly, with cost for tea, gift then extra asked on top (Is it just me that read the extra was for banners and decorations rather than flowers and champagne?) If it was one of my friends I wouldn't have thought twice, I'd want to spoil them and have fun. Could it be the way it was worded if so many took offence?

However, £250.00 for a hen do, attending events you might not have normally wanted too is a pisstake, especially on the friend who refused the baby shower on CF grounds, only to expect you to shell out on her hen!

AntipodeanOpalEye · 27/04/2018 12:39

See this is part of the reason that people rail against Baby Showers. What is usually a gentle low-key affair in the USA suddenly gets lost in translation and morphs into all these added extras when it hits the UK. Champagne and Flower bouquets, purile games, over the top decorations, multiple events. In the end the spirit of you and a few close girlfriends gets lost in all the three ringed circus.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 12:39

What Zoe said. I've been to dozens of showers, went to two more last Summer when I was there for a cousin and for a cousin's wife. You're not asked to pay for the party or donate to it. They were both at 2pm on a weekend afternoon. One was a someone's house, the other in an apartment complex club house where the host lived. You for a couple of hours, have a few nibbles/canapes, maybe play some games, have coffee or alcohol free punch, give presents, eat cake and then leave in a couple of hours. You don't give the mum to be another gift when the baby comes.

It's a nice little tradition which has been completely corrupted in the UK and then people turn round and say, 'Oh, it's so tacky!' but most of them say nothing and suck it up and stump up loads of money. Your friends didn't do that.

YABU.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 27/04/2018 12:40

Sorry maybe I've misread this, but did you say your baby is 6 months old??

JessicaJonesJacket · 27/04/2018 12:40

So your friends wanted to host a shower for you and them. You changed it to make it inclusive for your family. Then asked your sister to organise it (who presumably isn't in your friend group). Then your sister asked the guests to pay for their tea; pay for their own gifts that they were bringing and pay for a gift of champagne and flowers that she had decided to get.
Looking at it from that perspective, you snubbed your friends' suggestion then re-purposed it to suit your family, and asked your friends to pay. Both you and your DSIS were cheeky.
Of course, no-one came to you with the reason because they assumed you could clearly see what had happened and were happy about it. If you were involved enough to change it from a friends' spa to a family afternoon tea, they'll have assumed you knew and were comfortable with your sister's approach to funding.

Olicity17 · 27/04/2018 12:40

Sorry op, this doesnt make sense. They were will to do a weekend for you costing £175 each. But that offended about £1-2 for decorations that they all dropped out?

There is something you dont know.

Witchend · 27/04/2018 12:42

Waiting I think she means she is 6 months pregnant (but I might be wrong)

BlancheM · 27/04/2018 12:44

She said it was last September and the baby is 6 months old.

TomRavenscroft · 27/04/2018 12:45

my friends were planning a spa weekend costing £175 each as a baby shower (exc gifts) and none of my family were invited. I asked for it to be toned down and more inclusive.

I said from day 1 I did not want a baby shower because I know nothing about them. It was my friends who insisted.

Confused

They've either deliberately built this thing up and then moved the goalposts, or there's something else you/we don't know. Have you or your sister upset them in some way?

Amanduh · 27/04/2018 12:46

I’d be offended if I had to pay to go to a baby shower. Then a gift too - sorry but fuck off would be my response (inwardly) and I wouldn’t go.

Amanduh · 27/04/2018 12:47

Basically what Jessica said.

Witchend · 27/04/2018 12:48

Blanche okay-sorry I missed that. I was wrong Grin

RickyGold · 27/04/2018 12:50

They probably didn't like the sound of it, spa weekend, nice, maybe few drinks worth the money. Afternoon tea with games probably their idea of hell, they sound like they are at a different stage of their lives indeed if they are like me they will always go for spa weekend and swerve the afternoon tea (unless fizz involved) and games

PuppyMonkey · 27/04/2018 12:54

Hand on, £25 EACH for afternoon tea? Shock

They saw you coming...

Imsosceptical · 27/04/2018 12:55

My thoughts, baby showers are a joke, they are painful and boring for everyone except the expectant mother, thank god they did not exist when I had my child, yet another American ‘tradition’ we’ve adopted for no logical reason. However, if you insist you must have a baby shower, they are like weddings, you foot the bill, you put on a lovely day for your guests and in return they bring you lovely baby gifts. When the decision to charge comes into play then friends have the right to say They’re not coming and trust me many will, I’d hate to be invited to a baby shower and would be frantically looking for excuses not to go.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 27/04/2018 12:55

I always so no to baby showers, without explanation. Mainly because my explanation is that I think baby showers are a load of wank (and in no way comparable to a hen do) but I don't think that would go down well. I'd be offended at a friend asking for £1-£2 for tatty banners too

Furano · 27/04/2018 12:56

Spa weekend with small group of close friends? Fun.

Afternoon with friend and her family playing 'games' = less fun.

specialsubject · 27/04/2018 12:57

as I understand it the problem is that the Americans give gifts at the shower, then not when the baby is born. Importing this rather nauseating tradition of pink and cupcakes hasn't changed the UK tradition of giving gifts when the baby is safely arrived, so it looks like you want two gifts.

a poster upthread explains how hosting and inviting works.

add £25 for an overpriced tea and - no thanks.