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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 27/04/2018 13:02

£25 is pretty standard for somewhere posh

Chattymummyhere · 27/04/2018 13:03

Any excuse is a good excuse to avoid a baby shower.

Presents and boring games with pregnant persons family who you don’t know plus a few friends.

Baby born more presents to actually welcome the baby.

Add onto that actually paying to attend the shower nope.

I’ve been to one and it was hell on earth. Luckily it was sil’s and dh arrived at the advertised finish time with the kids so I could go and grab some cold wine to recover from the photo booth with props/guess the bump size with string, fingerprint picture,place a nappy on the dolly, try baby food, pregnancy mimes and bring a baby photo. It was such a eye roll event everyone was making excuses to leave early.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 27/04/2018 13:03

£25 is quite standard but it should be amazing afternoon tea for that!

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 13:06

Who gives a pregnant woman alcohol? These are all going the way of hen do's: more and more extravagant and expecting guests to pay out loads, bigger and bigger expectations.

Oh, you don't throw your shower or order people to throw one for you, either, in the original American tradition, or have them for subsequent children unless there's a big age gap. It's a courtesy, not an entitlement gifts, pampering, a party with a meal, etc.

sallythesheep73 · 27/04/2018 13:08

TBH unless they were an extremely good friend I wouldnt go for an afternoon tea babyshower for £25 unless that included wine ;-)

BrendasUmbrella · 27/04/2018 13:09

It sounds like your mates wanted a day out, and not an expensive tea. To be fair that is more of a Mum's thing than something young childfree kids tend to enjoy. Paying for the tea itself (£25), plus gifts which is the whole point of a shower and why they are usually done at home, plus a donation towards decorations and another gift for you, sounds like it's taking the piss a bit.

I've been the first person in a friendship group to become a mother and it could feel lonely. I made new friends who had kids the same age, and vaguely kept in touch with my old friends and tried not to bore them with kids stuff, but I did feel annoyed and irritated when they all had kids around the same time and their lives became all consumed by their kids...

BrendasUmbrella · 27/04/2018 13:09

*young childfree women, not kids!

SM2132 · 27/04/2018 13:12

I was once invited to a baby shower where the invite stated something along the lines, 'We have everything we need for our bundle of joy, but money or bank transfers are welcome; bank details available on request'. Ridiculous. Needless to say I didn't go!

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 13:15

'as I understand it the problem is that the Americans give gifts at the shower, then not when the baby is born. '

Yep! The way the tradition is going here, soon enough they'll be like these extravagant hen do's with people expected to give up loads of time and money or they are mean not to celebrate the person's happiness.

Original poster

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 13:16

@tomravenscroft the only thing I know of which I thought was forgotten about was my hen do.

At boozy night out was planned by my friends before I found out I was pregnant (due date was same day as wedding - how’s that for luck). I decided to move my wedding forward and keep it very low key. My friends were really excited about my hen and wanted it to go ahead with me not drinking. My best friend organised a similar afternoon tea which was themed (£35 per head inc for me) but didn’t invite anyone from my family. I was a bit annoyed that they weren’t considered but there was no falling out.

For either event, I didn’t want anyone left out or “snubbed”. I don’t see why both my family and friends couldn’t be included in both events.

Everyone else, I had no part in planning either event and never asked for gifts at all. My sister specifically said that gifts shouldn’t be brought to the shower because I’d asked her to. If people wanted to give gifts I asked them to do it privately or leave it until after she was born.

OP posts:

BlancheM · 27/04/2018 13:19

Chatty, one of the games at a shower I went to was 'guess the contents of the baby's nappy'. Had to be blindfolded and sniff a selection of wrapped up nappies. A few included: chicken korma and cat food. Then of course the big reveal afterwards to see if we were right!

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 13:19

'I was once invited to a baby shower where the invite stated something along the lines, 'We have everything we need for our bundle of joy, but money or bank transfers are welcome; bank details available on request'. Ridiculous. Needless to say I didn't go!'

FFS! Why am I not surprised? It'll become normalised the way it is for wedding guests being expected to cover the cost of their host and pay for a honeymoon, too, birthday parties for little kids as a tout for cash, christenings with grabby parents ordering guests to hand over cash as a gift and pay for a party, too.

Mitzimaybe · 27/04/2018 13:20

I feel uncomfortable about the whole idea of baby showers anyway, and if I were to be charged for attending one I would definitely decline the invitation.

YABU, your friends ANBU.

Tapasandwine · 27/04/2018 13:21

OP, it’s not the extra £2 that they begrudge, it’s all the other money that they will have to fork out - for the meal, then the presents. Everything adds up, things are expensive, and people are increasingly expecting their friends to fork out more and more money to celebrate their special life occasions like baby showers, mega expensive hen dos, extravagant engagement parties, weddings.

If the person who is hosting this event wants a certain venue and a certain meal to celebrate a certain event etc, they should pay for the whole thing themselves, and not burden the guests with additional costs.

Chattymummyhere · 27/04/2018 13:22

Unless your family and friends know each other it’s a bit awkward. You end up with groups together. They don’t get aunty mables joke because it’s a family joke and one side monopolise the person/event with the other sat like lemons wondering wtf. Sometimes that happens between the mothers side vs dads side vs friends side if everyone is there. It’s what happened at sil’s. Dads side monopolised sil/event itself even though it was held in sil’s family members property.

NerrSnerr · 27/04/2018 13:24

I wouldn't want to chip in, £25 plus present as well. They're already down about £50 for your baby shower.

If you're going to invite people to a party that is designed for people to give you presents it's cheeky to suggest they pay for the decorations as well.

Chattymummyhere · 27/04/2018 13:25

blanche that is a whole added layer of gross. I thought baby food was bad enough knowing it but sniffing random filled nappies.

I didn’t even try my own children’s food if they ever had a jar I’m sure as hell not trying it at a baby shower.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 13:25

'Everyone else, I had no part in planning either event and never asked for gifts at all. My sister specifically said that gifts shouldn’t be brought to the shower because I’d asked her to. If people wanted to give gifts I asked them to do it privately or leave it until after she was born.'

You don't get it, do you? The point is that the guests shower the mum-to-be and baby with gifts. What's the point otherwise? They are not get togethers, mixed sex evening parties, major sit down meals, BBQs, etc.

You don't get to decide how the host hosts the event, so getting miffed because your family isn't invited to everything is a waste of time.

It's cheeky to ask guests to pay 25 quid for afternoon tea and donate to decorations because showers imply that they also bring a gift.

Popchyk · 27/04/2018 13:26

I'm not a real big fan of being told what to do, tbh.

It's £25 for this
A £1-2 donation for that
No gifts at the shower itself (I thought that was the whole point of a baby shower, no?)
Yes to gifts after the shower in private
Yes to gifts after the baby is born

It is a whole big hassle that I can circumvent by saying no to the invitation. I don't have time for this kind of stuff. I suspect a lot of people don't.

bonnyshide · 27/04/2018 13:27

It is very unusual to be expected to pay to attend a baby shower, and required the bring a gift too.

I think your friends probably found it quite cheeky and then on top of all that your DSIS asked for money to cover the decorations, at that point I'd have probably pulled out too just on principal.

OP, I know you think that it was ok to expect people to pay, but it really wasn't and your friends obviously thought that too.

Your DSIS obviously wanted to make the day as lovely for you as possible, but she got it really wrong.

Original poster

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 13:27

@tapasandwine I think a lot of things have been assumed. My friends and family agreed on the location and the afternoon tea. It’s the type of thing my friends and I have done for each other when celebrating each other’s birthdays, engagements, new job etc.

I feel like this has become more about bashing baby showers.

OP posts:

TomRavenscroft · 27/04/2018 13:29

...an expensive tea. To be fair that is more of a Mum's thing than something young childfree kids tend to enjoy.

I've been to more than one hen do that was a posh afternoon tea. And I've been for loads of nice teas with friends; both have included people who are childfree (like me) and those with children. You can't only like certain things if you're a 'Mum' and other things if you're not.

OP, I don't see how the hen do change would have caused resentment. I really don't know why they're suddenly being so unpleasant having already agreed to the shower.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 13:30

Dear god! Friends: pay for my hen do, oh, and another £35 for an afternoon tea (you need to put in more for my share, of course), time for my wedding (let me guess, give me more money). Oh, time for my shower, that'll be £25+deccies and a gift. Oh, and mates, if you organise anything for me, you need to invite my family whom you don't know, too.

And this has all been in the past few months.

Your friends are probably sick of being bled dry.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 13:34

'I feel like this has become more about bashing baby showers.'

Which, if you're not having gifts, is not a baby shower.

Popchyk · 27/04/2018 13:36

You didn't receive any gifts at the baby shower, OP?

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