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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
BlankTimes · 27/04/2018 11:26

If they wouldn't even discuss the reasons for not wanting to part with £1 or £2 for you, which could have then all been smoothed over, then I wouldn't fork out £250 for them.

I wouldn't go to the hen.

PetulantPolecat · 27/04/2018 11:27

She was charging them a mandatory “deposit” of £5? What was the cost of the afternoon tea per person? And was this in a restaurant or was it meant to be catered in someone’s home? Not clear what venue needed decorating. Unless she wanted people to give her money for some balloons and confetti Shock

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 11:31

Sorry, I should have said that the afternoon tea was in a high class hotel which was agreed on by the group. X

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 11:32

So who did they think was paying?!!

CrazedZombie · 27/04/2018 11:32

I think it's bizarre that your sister tried to charge an entry fee for an event that people are bringing gifts to.

Your sister is the cf imo.

How much are decorations anyway? Assuming 10 guests, that's £20

If the host couldn't afford to host, then maybe she could have asked guests to bring snacks or food instead of a gift or not done a baby shower in the first place. It's a US rather than U.K. tradition and a get together with your friends can happen after the birth in which case sister can save now.

As for the hen do, don't use this baby shower as an excuse to make a point. (I'm assuming that they attended yours)

Curtainshopping · 27/04/2018 11:33

What was the £5 for? Was the afternoon tea at someone’s house or at a hotel/restaurant?

Either way, it wasn’t you, it was your sister so they shouldn’t be holding it against you.

CrazedZombie · 27/04/2018 11:35

I see it's afternoon tea in a hotel. I assumed it was at home or church hall like in movies and that host pays for everything.
It's a pre-baby get together rather than baby shower then.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 27/04/2018 11:36

Do you want to let it go? Are/were they good friends to you generally? Or is there an inner core group which you're not part of?

The dynamics of friendships change when people start getting married and having children. If you're the first one to have a child, then you're the one with the horrid end of the stick, because the rest of them won't necessarily adapt sufficiently to involve you as much as you need/want. (eg, spending loads on a hen night when you have much greater financial commitments with a family).

When a sufficiently large number of the group also have children, then the group will naturally adapt to the needs/wants of someone with children/family.

And if you are further ahead of them and your children are at school when theirs are toddlers, you might not actually want to put up with the new scenario of child friendly catch ups anyway.

It's hard being the first in the group, and it can lead to you leaving the group, or just having less to do with them generally. Only you can decide this.

19lottie82 · 27/04/2018 11:36

I’d do my best to get out of a baby shower full stop, sorry OP.

AjasLipstick · 27/04/2018 11:36

Zombie I think the tea WAS the shower. OP's sister made a bad choice there.

Prettylovely · 27/04/2018 11:38

My friends and I do this, but its an agreement between all, Its what we have always done, I do think your friends sound pretty ridiculous not paying towards your event such a small amount of money but then expecting you to spend £250, they dont sound like friends they sound really bitchy all colluding together saying they wouldnt go. I would get a new set of friends.

CrazedZombie · 27/04/2018 11:39

I'd personally cancel.
I'm confused why your sister wanted donations. How many people are coming?

WhyOhWine · 27/04/2018 11:42

were they complaining just about the £1-2 or also that they had to pay for afternoon tea? If they genuinely expected that to be covered by the host (and it would be the norm not to pay to attend a baby shower as I understand it, not that ihave been to one), their reaction is more understnadable than over £1 or 2.

Mammyloveswine · 27/04/2018 11:43

I got invited to a baby shower where I had to pay 15 quid for a "buffet" lunch... there was then a request that everyone bring a book for the baby... then another message asking for contributions for flowers to "thank" the host! Cheeky fuckery indeed!

KinkyAfro · 27/04/2018 11:44

Only 2 people ABU here and it's not any of your friends. Your sister for asking for donations and you for expecting it

Tinkobell · 27/04/2018 11:45

OP! .....perhaps don't go charging guests for the christening doo.....suspect it would go down like a ton of bricks!

Best of luck with baby! 💐💐💐

BlancheM · 27/04/2018 11:45

They are probably of the 'baby showers are cheeky and tacky' school of thought and the deposit and donation were the icing on the cake.
You have to pay twice over anyway to attend a baby shower: the cost of lunch then whatever present you bring. I can see why people can do without them.

Olicity17 · 27/04/2018 11:46

It was a £5 deposit and then how much for the afternoon tea?

Afternoon tea in a high class hotel doesnt cost a fiver. So there were other costs.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 11:46

@aprilmightbemynewname they had all agreed to pay for themselves for the afternoon tea. The problem was the £1-2 to club in for a bunch of flowers and champagne from the group.

@overthehedgehammy I am the first in the group to get married and have a baby. My baby is 6 months and you’re right. They are very much in a different place in their lives. Since getting pregnant the friendships changed dramatically.

I suppose I don’t know what type of friendships I have anymore.

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 27/04/2018 11:47

I have planned many baby showers for siblings and friends over the years and yes have requested help / donations if they were going to be themed etc. My guess is either your sister worded it sloppily or this is not your first or even second baby shower.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 11:48

The tea was £25 but £5 deposit in advance which my sister covered but asked back whenever they could get it to her.

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 27/04/2018 11:49

A £5 "deposit" suggests there was further money to be paid either later or on the day, was there more money to be paid. What was the total cost per person to attend?

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/04/2018 11:50

Cross posts, so they were already paying £25 to attend your baby shower, drip drip drip

Olicity17 · 27/04/2018 11:50

So it was £25, plus price of gift, plus another couple of pound to get you another present (champagne and flowers).

I imagine they probably got fed up of costs adding up, or your sister worded it badly. If most of your family and friends took offence over £2, chances are that iy was wordes badly or there is something else that went on and no one wants to say.

Viviennemary · 27/04/2018 11:51

I think I get why they're annoyed. They've paid out for an expensive afternoon tea and bought a gift so really asking for another £1 or £2 is just plain grabby. So I'd say your sister was in the wrong here. The hen do is a separate thing altogether. So the shower would have cost you or your sister nothing and everyone else was paying through the nose. It's downright cheeky.