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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

angry with housemate

264 replies

boywiththebrokensmile · 26/04/2018 23:52

So for the past yr i have lived in a house share in Cornwall, I am 28 and my housemate is a woman in her mid 40s. We get on ok but she is quite bitter [bitter at been alone, fallout with her family, hates house sharing....] She is quite territorial and has no life really, she obsesses over the other couple that live with us and hates them like she did to the couple before. 1 night they had a few friends over and she went mad to me, i told her it was a houseshare and they did not do it often and they were all gone by ten and she was been unreasonable. She acts like it is her house.

Anyway, a few weeks back, i had three mates over[1st time ever having ppl back,]. She even moaned about that saying she would have stayed elsewhere if she had known. They were staying the night and we went to the pub for 1 drink, we got home round ten and she was sitting in the front room. We all walked in but when we saw her walked back out, she was sitting watching shit tv and I would not mind but she hardly ever sits in there and she sat on. We went to the kitchen even though it was a clear q for her to go to her room [where she usually resides] and let me chat to my mates who i had not seen in yunks. Eventually i took my friends in and she sat on, it was so uncomfortable, i eventually asked her could we watch something on telly and she made a joke of it and said ok and went to bed. But the thing is i think she clearly did that deliberately to deter me taking ppl back to the house again, any normal person would have went up to their room and given me the front room [which i hardly use] for the evening when i had mates over but she imposed and i feel angry over it. What do you think?

OP posts:
Lemonlady22 · 27/04/2018 01:25

maybe shes lonely and wanted to join in

EveningHare · 27/04/2018 01:28

We went to the kitchen even though it was a clear q for her to go to her room [where she usually resides] and let me chat to my mates who i had not seen in yunks

I think you've got a bloody cheek to kick her out of her own sitting room where she is watching tv and she pays to rent as well as you, and not your mates

AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/04/2018 01:37

Erm, you're being totally unreasonable. It's a house SHARE, key word, you have to share. She had more right to be there than your mates, you don't get to kick her up to her room like a child, especially when she was there first, and watching tv first!
How completely utterly rude, selfish and arrogant of you.

HirplesWithHaggis · 27/04/2018 01:37

If it was a few weeks ago, and you're still this angry, I think you need to look for alternative accommodation. Maybe she was actually interested in a programme and wanted to watch in the living room, or maybe she did it maliciously so as to intimidate you into never bringing guests again, as you suspect. You don't have to let her "intimidate" you, you know.

But why didn't you tell/ask her about having people back, really quite late at night? Was it planned in advance?

qwertyuiopy · 27/04/2018 01:38

"We all walked in but when we saw her walked back out, she was sitting watching shit tv and I would not mind but she hardly ever sits in there and she sat on. We went to the kitchen even though it was a clear q for her to go to her room [where she usually resides] and let me chat to my mates who i had not seen in yunks."

Er, as you said to her it is a houseshare and she did not do it often. You were unreasonable. You act like it is your house.

Meowstro · 27/04/2018 01:43

I think it's her home and if she wants to watch TV, I'm sure she's paying for the luxury of doing it within those 4 walls, so yabu.

She sounds depressed and your kind of attitude towards it does not help. Staying in her room is only going to be making her feel worse, why expect her to hole up there because of you and your friends?

Perhaps next time you expect her to get out of the living room, discuss it before the situation occurs so you know one another's expectations. Or perhaps you could have introduced her to your friends and sat together?

IWantMyHatBack · 27/04/2018 01:47

You sound like a bit of a twat, sorry...

Monty27 · 27/04/2018 01:52

What the others have said it's a house share. And also maybe she felt like company. You may have made her feel uncomfortable. Maybe she likes you and wanted to socialise. Yabvu

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/04/2018 01:52

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to hang out in the living room with your friends. And she does sound annoying - but also wasn't being unreasonable in that particular instance. Having said that, I can't imagine what sort of person doesn't take the hint and bugger off.

Time to look for a new flat share?

Mediumred · 27/04/2018 02:02

Erm, I'm going to go against the prevailing trend and back you. I'm a 40-something and would find house sharing at my age very dispiriting and I do feel for her but she sounds like she's had issues with four other flatmates. House sharing is only possible with a lot of consideration for your housemates, it would have been obvious to her that you and your friends wanted to hang out in the front room and it was a complete one-off and she couldn't even give you that.

I would start looking for somewhere else though, she sounds very tricky and the situation is unlikely to resolve itself. Find somewhere with some more 20 and early 30 somethings who understand the unwritten rules of house sharing. Good luck

Original poster
boywiththebrokensmile · 27/04/2018 06:59

''maybe shes lonely and wanted to join in''

no you need to know her to understand this, she did not want them there, she blanked them and sat in a clear huff.

OP posts:
Original poster
boywiththebrokensmile · 27/04/2018 07:01

''Erm, you're being totally unreasonable. It's a house SHARE, key word, you have to share. She had more right to be there than your mates, you don't get to kick her up to her room like a child, especially when she was there first, and watching tv first!
How completely utterly rude, selfish and arrogant of you.''

and she was totally reasonable going ballistic over the couple that took friends over for a few hours and was going to ask them to leave before i told her to stop...

OP posts:
Original poster
boywiththebrokensmile · 27/04/2018 07:03

''But why didn't you tell/ask her about having people back, really quite late at night? Was it planned in advance?''

i had told her and she forgot

OP posts:
Original poster
boywiththebrokensmile · 27/04/2018 07:06

''it would have been obvious to her that you and your friends wanted to hang out in the front room and it was a complete one-off and she couldn't even give you that.''

exactly and if ppl here met here they would understand... the couple started using the front room when they moved in and i did not care as me or her hardly ever used it and she went mad saying they were taking over.

OP posts:
MyotherUsernameisaPun · 27/04/2018 07:08

YABU. It's a house share, you have to share space! There's no reason why you couldn't have sat in the sitting room and chatted to your pals with her there. Maybe it would have felt awkward to you but that's the cost of the cheaper rent you pay for a house share. I don't think you can expect others who share your house to see your friends' presence as a cue to vanish and stop using shared rooms.

That said she does sound prickly and difficult and I probably wouldn't want to live with her in general either. It might be worth looking at whether finding new accommodation is an option.

Original poster
boywiththebrokensmile · 27/04/2018 07:10

''Maybe she was actually interested in a programme and wanted to watch in the living room''

no i know her, she sat there and sat there in a clear way of making a point she did not want me ever taking friends back, she was been a bitch.

OP posts:
MyotherUsernameisaPun · 27/04/2018 07:11

You've obviously made up your mind about this and it's clearly upset you a lot. Time TM move out, I think!

Original poster
boywiththebrokensmile · 27/04/2018 07:14

''There's no reason why you couldn't have sat in the sitting room and chatted to your pals with her there. ''

sigh... people have clearly not read the op clearly, she sat there with the volume blaring and quiet- had we chatted she was ready to embarrass me and ask for silence, this was not her wanting to watch tv or been lonely- she wanted to create discomfort. Had they spoken to her she'd have bit their head off, Please do not think she is a saint.

OP posts:
KC225 · 27/04/2018 07:14

It does sound like a bit of a miffed arms fold protest, especially if she doesn't usually sit in the living room watching TV. But I don't see that you can complain - it is a house share.

Do you have house meets we called our (all those years ago) sip, snack and thrash. Four of us would bung a fiver in for couple of bottles of wine and some snacks (20 years ago mind) and we would discuss house gripes like boyfriends staying over too regularly, hot water usage, house guests etc. Could you not bring it up then and let her have her say.

I echo the previous poster who said look for something else. Sharing with a bitter 40 year and a couple sounds like the 7th circle of hell.

JennyOnAPlate · 27/04/2018 07:15

she was been a bitch

That isn't even English.

I feel sorry for her.

Original poster
boywiththebrokensmile · 27/04/2018 07:16

''I do feel for her but she sounds like she's had issues with four other flatmates.''

she has been here 6 years and has had issues with everybody over them years-all highly dramatic and all contrived in her head...

OP posts:
TheBitchOfTheVicar · 27/04/2018 07:18

Seems a bit pointless you having posted here, tbh Smile

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 27/04/2018 07:18

So just leave. You can't change her into a less difficult person. That's who she is. Go and find something better!

Original poster
boywiththebrokensmile · 27/04/2018 07:18

''Four of us would bung a fiver in for couple of bottles of wine and some snacks (20 years ago mind) and we would discuss house gripes like boyfriends staying over too regularly, hot water usage, house guests etc.''

tbh i am never in the house, i work 6 days a week[very long hours] and so she has full reign of the house,that is why it really annoyed me. Think alot of ppl here are missing the point.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 27/04/2018 07:19

Did your friends stay overnight?

I'd say as a pp did, you need regular house meetings to discuss things like this, to set up agreed protocols for visitors etc.