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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

angry with housemate

264 replies

boywiththebrokensmile · 26/04/2018 23:52

So for the past yr i have lived in a house share in Cornwall, I am 28 and my housemate is a woman in her mid 40s. We get on ok but she is quite bitter [bitter at been alone, fallout with her family, hates house sharing....] She is quite territorial and has no life really, she obsesses over the other couple that live with us and hates them like she did to the couple before. 1 night they had a few friends over and she went mad to me, i told her it was a houseshare and they did not do it often and they were all gone by ten and she was been unreasonable. She acts like it is her house.

Anyway, a few weeks back, i had three mates over[1st time ever having ppl back,]. She even moaned about that saying she would have stayed elsewhere if she had known. They were staying the night and we went to the pub for 1 drink, we got home round ten and she was sitting in the front room. We all walked in but when we saw her walked back out, she was sitting watching shit tv and I would not mind but she hardly ever sits in there and she sat on. We went to the kitchen even though it was a clear q for her to go to her room [where she usually resides] and let me chat to my mates who i had not seen in yunks. Eventually i took my friends in and she sat on, it was so uncomfortable, i eventually asked her could we watch something on telly and she made a joke of it and said ok and went to bed. But the thing is i think she clearly did that deliberately to deter me taking ppl back to the house again, any normal person would have went up to their room and given me the front room [which i hardly use] for the evening when i had mates over but she imposed and i feel angry over it. What do you think?

OP posts:

Curtainshopping · 27/04/2018 09:48

I’ve shared many a house and I think she has broken the unwritten rules of house sharing etiquette. You generally make yourself scarce if another housemate has people over. That’s why everyone had a tv in their room!

She was being obnoxious and petty to make a point but moving out is your only option as she won’t change.

bakingdemon · 27/04/2018 10:24

Do you have a shared calendar hanging somewhere like the kitchen where, once you've checked it's OK with everyone, you can write down when guests are coming over? I've always found that essential when in houseshares of more than a couple of people. Ultimately, residents' wishes beat guests every time, so if one of you isn't happy with people coming over, stay out at the pub with your friends.

Witchend · 27/04/2018 10:51

If you are never in the house you can't know that she doesn't usually spend lots of time watching TV like that.

It might have been nice if she'd left you to it, but it's her house too and no reason why she should.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 27/04/2018 11:00

So glad I don’t flat share anymore.

HonkyWonkWoman · 27/04/2018 11:06

I wish that pp with obviously no experience of housesharing would stop going on about why the Very Awkward Annoying Woman should not have to give OP

some space and privacy when she had visitors (for the first time, actualey).
Pp who obviously have shared and know the unwritten rules/etiquette of housesharing, greendale17 and Curtainshopping are correct here.
Thank goodness she's not sharing with some pp on here, some of you sound worse than the Awkward Housemate.
But I imagine that you're all just spouting off as usual with no actual knowledge of what your talking about.

PetulantPolecat · 27/04/2018 11:08

This reminds me of a friend in her 40s who moved here from another country, and as she had no credit history, she thought a house shares with another professional was the best way forward. The other girl was younger and she had lived there for years, getting new flatmates (about annually) for the second bedroom. My friend had her parents visiting from overseas at some point in the first year for an extended weekend. They were staying at a nearby hotel but would come back to the flat for a coffee/to chat after a day of sightseeing with their daughter, etc. The flatmate knew weeks in advance of this plan. Even announced to stay with a mate for a night to give them some privacy, despite there being no need.

Saturday afternoon, they return to the flat to find it stinking of paint fumes. Oh yes, didn’t she mention? She’s repainting her room that bank holiday weekend.

Some people are just passive aggressive assholes.

waterrat · 27/04/2018 11:08

I understand OP - personally I would move out as I couldnt live with someone like this - but from the other point of view I think if you wanted to chat with your mates I would personally have just gone to the pub.

southeastdweller · 27/04/2018 11:19

I've many years of flat sharing under my belt. To me the OP is being more awkward because she could have taken the guests to her room or stayed in the kitchen but she deliberately chose to piss off her housemate by going back to the living room with her guests.

Also, where did the three people sleep? It's a bit weird to have three stay over in a share, unless it's a huge house.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/04/2018 11:19

I think AvocadosBeforeMortgages is spot on.

The is no fairy godmother of houseshare fairness, so it really doesn't matter whether you're right, or we all agree with you. Especially if she's as belligerent as you think she is, she isn't going to change.

The only thing you have to decide is what are you going to do, for your own future happiness?

Were I you, I would look for other houseshares now but take a bit more care to meet and get a sense of the housemates before committing. Ideally, take a room in a house where you know someone, so have met the housemates already.

EveningHare · 27/04/2018 11:21

I wish that pp with obviously no experience of housesharing would stop going on about why the Very Awkward Annoying Woman should not have to give OP
some space and privacy when she had visitors

But I imagine that you're all just spouting off as usual with no actual knowledge of what your talking about.

You know the thing about a (made up) unwritten rule? It's not worth the paper it's (not) written on

The world doesn't need unwritten rules, you need to be explicit in your wants and needs and be clear and fair.

HonkyWonkWoman · 27/04/2018 11:33

I disagree Evening Hare.
The whole World runs mainly on unwritten rules or etiquette or good manners if you like.
Most reasonable people know this so we don't need to be explicit in our wants and needs for every interaction with other sentient human beings.
Btw she'd already mentioned to the Awkward Housemate that she would be having some visitors. Anyone normal, would give OP some space. It's called being considerate. The opposite of being an awkward arse.

Lucisky · 27/04/2018 11:45

I,too, am curious as to where 3 extra people slept. Did they sleep on the floor? This is something I may have thought fun as a teenager, but as a working adult it sounds like hell. Doesn't your house share have rules about overnight guests? Had you all been out on the booze?
Put the boot on the other foot OP; how would you feel if she had done this, and you were forced out of the sitting room because she wanted to chat to her guests in private?
I think you should find somewhere else to live, alone, then you can entertain as you please.

RedSkyAtNight · 27/04/2018 12:05

I also have many years of house sharing and the unwritten rule was certainly not that you brought friends home and made your self annoying in the living room in the hope that the others would get the hint and leave you to it.

If you wanted a room(s) to yourself you clearly asked for it in advance.

If OP had said in advance not just "I'm bringing friends over" but "I'm bringing friends over, we won't be here until after 10, would you mind awfully if we used the living room after then?" I would fully agree that housemate was unreasonable.

Shared living is all about communication.

Mammyloveswine · 27/04/2018 12:42

Where were all these extra people staying??

That would piss me off, we had a lodger once who had his gf round night and asked if i could leave the kitchen free so he could cook a romantic meal.for his gf... they then sat in there at the dining table all night! Was so awkward when i wanted a cup of tea! And I was the home owner!

In a house share, unless agreed then i dont think that people should just be staying over!

MirriVan · 27/04/2018 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoorYorick · 27/04/2018 13:14

She probably was just trying to make a point and piss you off, but you really don't have the right to walk into a communal room with your friends and expect her to sod off. Perhaps that expectation is why she wanted to make the point.

This is why houseshares suck. They're bearable when you're young but they still suck. The older you get, the worse they suck.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/04/2018 13:53

Why exactly are you still sharing with this woman??

I'd move...

Life is too short...

(just for record have done fair share of flat mates over 10 years... From sharing with 1 to 11 others!)

Eatmycheese · 27/04/2018 14:00

She sounds special.

Just move.

Weezol · 27/04/2018 14:17

RedSky makes good points. I'm a house share veteran and there are a few basics that have been in place at all of them.

Common areas are communal - guests are welcome in them regardless. However arriving halfway through a programme or film someone's already watching, hush up until it's over, then the floor is open.

Overnight guests are agreed in advance

If someone's bedroom door is closed,that means Do Not Disturb

Keep the noise down between 10pm and 7am.

Leave kitchen, bathroom etc as you would like to find them.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/04/2018 18:00

Of the things that I learnt as some someone that house shared two have stayed with me

1/ one person is always passive aggressive
and
2/ those that go on about compromise are those that are lease likely to.

Jamiefraserskilt · 27/04/2018 18:14

So, buy a blackboard. All sit down and agree that this is a shared house with shared facilities. Agree that if mates are coming over and privacy is required, you will write it on a blackboard in the kitchen so everyone knows and can make alternative arrangements. With her history I imagine she will kick off. Just keep reminding her that a successful share is made through compromise. That it is a SHARE and that's what good co tenants do.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 27/04/2018 19:08

I currently live in a houseshare and have for 5 years now and no way in hell would I or anyone else (of the 12 people I have lived with in this time) expect other housemates to clear off out of the living space when we have friends over!

Generally if friends are over you either go to your room for privacy (or more normally the pub) or sit in the living room with other housemates and include them. Similar to how you would if you invited friends over your parents house as a teenager. If someone is a big enough friend to stay the night, I would expect them to make a mild effort to get to know the people I am living with, I know all my friends housemates etc too. Even if you wanted to go up to your room generally you would spend 10 minutes chatting to anyone in the living room before going up.

If you wanted something like a movie night (i.e requiring peace and quiet in the living room) you would generally say something such as "im having a few friends over, was wondering if we could have a film night in the living room on Saturday! Everyones welcome of course, bring snacks" if you want the living room for something general rule is all housemates are invited.

It's common courtesy, it's everyones living room and it's not fair to expect your housemate to vacate it. If my housemates did what you Did, id think they were a bit of a dick, ive generally found the way to make houseshares work is to act like housemates are family and treat them as you would your parents.

Pengggwn · 27/04/2018 19:36

You have no right to expect her to vacate a room on demand, OP. It is her home. She was watching television. You sound deranged.

Lizzie48 · 27/04/2018 19:50

I hate it when posters say, 'You sound deranged.' It's nonsense, and insulting to people who actually have mental illness. I agree that the OP doesn't come across well, but there's no reason to suggest she's mentally ill. If you don't really mean that, then don't joke about it.

Pengggwn · 27/04/2018 19:52

Lizzie48

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