Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

angry with housemate

264 replies

boywiththebrokensmile · 26/04/2018 23:52

So for the past yr i have lived in a house share in Cornwall, I am 28 and my housemate is a woman in her mid 40s. We get on ok but she is quite bitter [bitter at been alone, fallout with her family, hates house sharing....] She is quite territorial and has no life really, she obsesses over the other couple that live with us and hates them like she did to the couple before. 1 night they had a few friends over and she went mad to me, i told her it was a houseshare and they did not do it often and they were all gone by ten and she was been unreasonable. She acts like it is her house.

Anyway, a few weeks back, i had three mates over[1st time ever having ppl back,]. She even moaned about that saying she would have stayed elsewhere if she had known. They were staying the night and we went to the pub for 1 drink, we got home round ten and she was sitting in the front room. We all walked in but when we saw her walked back out, she was sitting watching shit tv and I would not mind but she hardly ever sits in there and she sat on. We went to the kitchen even though it was a clear q for her to go to her room [where she usually resides] and let me chat to my mates who i had not seen in yunks. Eventually i took my friends in and she sat on, it was so uncomfortable, i eventually asked her could we watch something on telly and she made a joke of it and said ok and went to bed. But the thing is i think she clearly did that deliberately to deter me taking ppl back to the house again, any normal person would have went up to their room and given me the front room [which i hardly use] for the evening when i had mates over but she imposed and i feel angry over it. What do you think?

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 27/04/2018 07:21

I don't feel sorry for her, having shared multiple houses in my twenties I know exactly how much discord one resentful or selfish housemate can create. You know her OP, no one on here does and the only thing I would say is perhaps it's time for you to look for a different house share as it sounds like it's reached the point of no return with this one, she is obviously not invested in creating a harmonious environment and wants things her way. I sympathise with her slightly as I couldn't stand to live in a house share at that age.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 27/04/2018 07:21

What is the point? You live in a house where you all annoy each other and haven't found a way of coexisting. Lots of people have acknowledged this and suggested that you move. What is it you actually want?

ReasonableLlama · 27/04/2018 07:21

She may have sat there purposefully to discourage you from bring your mates home, but at the end of the day she is allowed to use the front room as and when she wants and you can hardly sling her out.

I understand your frustrations but the best thing to do is carry on and be polite and civil. If you really can't stand living with her then you may have to move.

Unfortunately, part of house sharing is living with people who can be awkward. I feel your pain. I once lived with someone who demanded to know how much toilet roll we all used!

LaGattaNera · 27/04/2018 07:23

She is not going to change - whatever the rights and wrongs - this is who she is and clearly she is unhappy. I'd try to find somewhere else, perhaps with just one other person and leave her to it.

BlondeB83 · 27/04/2018 07:23

Move out. YABU.

buckeejit · 27/04/2018 07:25

Be honest with her, say you think you should feel at home in the house & that includes being given a little space for your friends on the rare occasions they visit.

Say it felt like she was purposefully trying to make things awkward & that hurt. Ask if she has a problem with visitors. See if there's a way things could be better next time

Odoreida · 27/04/2018 07:29

A 'bad' housemate - and unfortunately that could mean someone who is depressed or very unhappy - is terribly draining to live with. So it's not their fault as such, but it's also not your fault. The best thing is to move. She sounds very very annoying, and also like she needs help, but it's not for you to explain that to her really. Housemates should become friends naturally over a period of time - if you don't want to be her friend I would get out of there as it will just make you angry all the time, and you will start behaving badly. I've seen it too many times over the years.

sonjadog · 27/04/2018 07:29

She sounds like a pain in the arse. But, you can't change who she is and she doesn't sound like someone who would be open to having a chat about her behaviour. So what are your choices? Move elsewhere, give her the consideration that she gives you (i.e. start a conflict), or try to smooth it over the best you can. Which you go for is up to you.

RavenLG · 27/04/2018 07:35

Look I agree she sounds like a PA pain in the ass but you lost me at any normal person would have went up to their room and given me the front room you’re entitled. You could have sat in your room, you could have asked her but all you’re doing is seething about it. As others have said it’s a houseSHARE. Even if she was doing it be petty you have to deal with that type of behaviour when living with other people.
YWBU to expect her to leave the room to placate your friendship group.
YANBU to think how you do about her but if you don’t like living with other people you need to get your own space

Orangecake123 · 27/04/2018 07:35

I don't think she did anything wrong. Why should she have to leave if she was watching TV? If you want to be alone you could go to your room.

supersop60 · 27/04/2018 07:37

OP - she sounds difficult. I would move, because you know she won't change.

Missingstreetlife · 27/04/2018 07:50

Get your own place. Can't afford it? Maybe neither can she.
Sharing is great when you have good housemates and you are at that stage in life. It's shit if not.

RedSkyAtNight · 27/04/2018 07:52

When I was in house shares you took mates back to your room if you wanted a chat or put up with what other house mates wanted if you chose to stay in the living room.

So I think OP has it totally the wrong way round - she should be working round her housemate, not her housemate round her.

Look at if from your housemate's point of view OP- she was sat in the living room minding her own business, you came home (late) with friends and sat in the living room chatting round her clearly indicating that you wanted her to go. Why on earth couldn't you have just taken your friends up to your room?

Derlei · 27/04/2018 07:52

I agree OP that people are missing your point.

Yes it’s a house share and that means sharing communal areas, but that doesn’t mean it has to be at the same bloody time, sharing is also about being a fair person and allowing one person to enjoy their time of said privilege, and it happening equally vice versa. It’s called respect and being harmonious. I didn’t want to watch 3 days of European football this week, but DH said he was going to be occupying the TV so I let him get on with it and I’ve spent the last 3 days pottering around the bedrooms. Was I disadvantaged : yes. Did I sit there in a huff : no. Would he do the same for me : yes

RestingBitchFaced · 27/04/2018 07:54

Why couldn't you have stayed in the kitchen?

LIZS · 27/04/2018 07:57

What are your house rules about guests and staying over? It sounds as if you were planning to take over the space, perhaps with little or no warning.

RedSkyAtNight · 27/04/2018 07:57

I don't think people are missing OP's point - in the example she gave, she was the one in the wrong.

She says that her housemate hardly ever uses the front room so hardly a case of hogging it. Did OP say in advance "I'm bringing friends home late at night, would it be ok if we had the living room to ourselves?" - which would be a mature way of agreeing to share the space - I presume not, or she would have mentioned it.

expatinscotland · 27/04/2018 08:01

Why didn't you stay in the kitchen?

PaintedHorizons · 27/04/2018 08:01

3 friends staying over night with no warning is not very fair.

Move out as others have said.

I also agree about the house meetings - we had them. Boyfriends were discussed as it is pretty miserable if you are paying 25% rent and bills and yet two others have boyfreinds staying six nights a week.

How would you feel if she had three or four friends back on a night when you needed an early night for work - and then you couldn't get in the kitchen as they're all doing a fry-up or the bathroom for your shower? House sharing means you share the space and discuss/ask if you want to add others into the mix.

And stop going on about her age.

HariboIsMyCrack · 27/04/2018 08:02

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

PetulantPolecat · 27/04/2018 08:07

We get it. She treats everyone like her lodger where she gets to dictate the rules, rather than her flat mates with equal privileges. This happens a lot when you’ve been somewhere for 6 years and have new flat mates coming/going all the time.

Does your landlord chose the tenants and you rent directly via him or did she advertise for flatmates and she selected her flatmates? If she’s been there that long, the landlord probably will side with her as she’s long term, so I think she does see it more as her home, with people coming/going.

You could try sitting her down and acknowledge all of this - and deliver the big but... at end of day ymwe have equal rights and you being here longest doesn’t mean you can behave like the landlady, etc.

I doubt it will get you anywhere, except maybe to make you feel you’ve tried... before looking for another home.

MarthasGinYard · 27/04/2018 08:08

Maybe move?

PoorYorick · 27/04/2018 08:09

If your mind is made up about it, why post in AIBU?

I don't think I'd fancy house sharing with either of you.

harriethoyle · 27/04/2018 08:12

She has historically been unreasonable but YABU about this. Really mean to expect her to vacate communal space!

Lizzie48 · 27/04/2018 08:13

The OP said in one of her posts that she did tell her that her friends were coming. The flatmate's behaviour suggests to me that she was expected her, as it's hardly a coincidence that she chose that particular evening to sit down in the living room with the TV on loud.

She did have every right to be there, though, so you shouldn't be seething at her still.