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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

angry with housemate

264 replies

boywiththebrokensmile · 26/04/2018 23:52

So for the past yr i have lived in a house share in Cornwall, I am 28 and my housemate is a woman in her mid 40s. We get on ok but she is quite bitter [bitter at been alone, fallout with her family, hates house sharing....] She is quite territorial and has no life really, she obsesses over the other couple that live with us and hates them like she did to the couple before. 1 night they had a few friends over and she went mad to me, i told her it was a houseshare and they did not do it often and they were all gone by ten and she was been unreasonable. She acts like it is her house.

Anyway, a few weeks back, i had three mates over[1st time ever having ppl back,]. She even moaned about that saying she would have stayed elsewhere if she had known. They were staying the night and we went to the pub for 1 drink, we got home round ten and she was sitting in the front room. We all walked in but when we saw her walked back out, she was sitting watching shit tv and I would not mind but she hardly ever sits in there and she sat on. We went to the kitchen even though it was a clear q for her to go to her room [where she usually resides] and let me chat to my mates who i had not seen in yunks. Eventually i took my friends in and she sat on, it was so uncomfortable, i eventually asked her could we watch something on telly and she made a joke of it and said ok and went to bed. But the thing is i think she clearly did that deliberately to deter me taking ppl back to the house again, any normal person would have went up to their room and given me the front room [which i hardly use] for the evening when i had mates over but she imposed and i feel angry over it. What do you think?

OP posts:

HonkyWonkWoman · 27/04/2018 08:15

I would suggest that all the housemates have a meeting to decide on what would be agreeable regarding the use of the living room and bringing friends back.
Most houseshares would agree that a bit of give and take is needed and for harmony, housemates should be able to request the private use of the living room for an evening when required.
I've had experience of this OP, where a housemate was 99% of the time happy to be in their room but the minute anyone has some guests round for a few hours, they would appear in the living room, making things awkward.
Housesharing for pp on here with no experience of it doesn't mean an entitlement to all areas of the house at all times.

You said that you had told the housesharer that you were having friends round and she said she'd forgotten. In that case, I would have reminded her on that evening and asked her to give me some space and privacy.
She sounds like a tyrant, stand your ground, she can't have the whole house as her private domain 24/7. Tell her this!

lottiegarbanzo · 27/04/2018 08:17

Well, you needed to make sure she knew in advance you had people coming to stay. Asking whether you could use the living room with your guests later, with an indication of times, and getting a yes, would have been the right thing to do.

If she did forget, or you hadn't fully communicated (gained the person's attention at a good time, put your message across nicely, allowed them to think about it, gained a response), rather than casually saying 'I'm doing this ok?', then the feeling of being both unwelcome and unconsidered in her own home would have been pretty horrible for her.

It's quite possible she's being grumpy and territorial, as you believe. But, that doesn't give you any excuse for being inconsiderate or not communicating properly.

What I don't understand is why you didn't meet the housemates and make an informed choice before moving in. If you choose to live with strangers, without sussing out the situation properly, you're going to get difficult situations and housemates you don't like.

Vangoghsear · 27/04/2018 08:18

At 28 it is probably time you got your own place and stopped housesharing.

MarthasGinYard · 27/04/2018 08:26

God knows why any of your want to live like this.

I'd be taking on an extra job to earn enough to move out.

StrangeLookingParasite · 27/04/2018 08:28

3 friends staying over night with no warning is not very fair.

She had warning.

HonkyWonkWoman · 27/04/2018 08:32

Why are we blaming the OP here?
This was the first time that she had had any friends round.
She's already said that she informed the housesharer.

Why are you questioning her if she hadn't fully communicated?
How hard is it for a person to understand someone saying, I'm having some friends round x evening, just letting you know?

It's not her problem if the housemate then forgets what she's said.
Most normal, agreeable people are happy to accommodate people who they live with.
The woman is at fault not the OP.

RandomDreams · 27/04/2018 08:32

At 28 it is probably time you got your own place and stopped housesharing.

I wasn't aware that there is an age limit on house sharing?

Palegreenstars · 27/04/2018 08:32

I don’t think it’s appropriate to have 3 friends stay the night in a house share unless everyone consents.

If she had consented a convo about making herself scarce for a few hours to give you guys some time to catch up would have been fine but once you were there you have to do your best to make her feel welcome.

In general though she sounds a frustrating housemate and I’d nove

snowsun · 27/04/2018 08:41

You posted in AIBU it's the section where you get roasted.

Marmitesoldiers · 27/04/2018 08:44

She sounds awful OP. That passive aggressive occupation of the front room when she doesn’t normally go in there speaks volumes.

But really any reasonable person wouldn’t have been able to sit it out. The fact that she sat there for so long when she was clearly not wanted means that she is not ever going to be a cooperative person. And she is not ever going to move.

I agree that you’d be better off finding a more amenable housemate.

OliviaStabler · 27/04/2018 08:46

I think you were unreasonable. Trying to force her from the front room just because you have guests. She pays to live there and, unless it is a massive house, three guests overnight is way too many. Either you share the front room if she or the others housemates wants to be in there or take your guests to your room.

It sounds like you don't have proper house rules and, in this case, she reverted to passive aggressiveness to get her point across.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 27/04/2018 08:50

As a veteran of many houses shares, this won't change. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, she will always be the same.

If you can't live with her being the way she is, you need to find a new house share as it's clearly not working for you anymore

aharddaysnight · 27/04/2018 08:59

In the example you gave YABU and don't think you should have three people overnight without her agreement. Maybe she has been a terrible housemate in other respects but I don't think you were in the right here.

Maybe you should reconsider if you want to continue living with her. I doubt things are going to get better for either of you.

willynillypie · 27/04/2018 09:08

She sounds difficult and bitter - her opinion is probably that, since she never has guests/never will as she has no friends or partner, why should others? She won't change and won't let people use communal rooms for that purpose as she will never need you/others to reciprocate. You can try a house meeting but it won't get anywhere.

You don't come across well in your replies to other people though btw, and you clearly don't think you are being U so I don't know why you posted here.

SofieMonde · 27/04/2018 09:10

Get ur own flat problem solved. She wont change but you can change ur situation.

MumofBoysx2 · 27/04/2018 09:12

I don't think she's being unreasonable sitting there if she is paying rent. But maybe communication is key here with everyone in the house - maybe ensure that everyone has roughly the same number of visitors in any given month or so, let everyone know in advance, keep the numbers down and of course invite the housemates so they feel included rather than pushed out.

sunshinesupermum · 27/04/2018 09:18

You're still angry weeks later so the atmosphere must be awful. Just move to another house share. You obviously don't get on and she isn't going to change, no matter how unreasonable she may be.

Rudgie47 · 27/04/2018 09:19

Why couldnt you just be kind to her and include her with your friends? Thats what I would have done not expected her to piss off to another room.
I personally couldnt be mean to someone who was obviously lonely, I would feel ashamed of myself.

southeastdweller · 27/04/2018 09:24

I think you've got a bloody cheek to kick her out of her own sitting room where she is watching tv and she pays to rent as well as you, and not your mates

This. Time to grow up, I think.

Lizzie48 · 27/04/2018 09:24

She does sound very unhappy, and probably clinically depressed. I understand why you were annoyed, but it's not worth being this angry about it so long after the event. You're really not coming across as very nice, either.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/04/2018 09:25

A classic housesharing problem, really, and one that's probably on the increase due to the state of the housing market and how difficult it is to afford a home. When you share a house or flat with people other than existing friends, there's often at least one tenant who is a PITA in some way (to be fair, sometimes living with a group of friends can show up the fact that someone you thought you liked is an impossible cunt). But if the PITA is the one who's been there the longest, you have to adapt to them rather than trying to make them leave. Best thing OP can do is look for somewhere else to live.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 27/04/2018 09:27

Don’t know why the OP is having a hard time. House sharing is all about compromise, you do not get dictate terms of living 100% of the time. If you share a home you have to accept that now and again you are going to have your housemates guests / partners / parenTS / etc visit from time to time. So long as you inform each other of what your plans are I don’t see the problem. Acting like a passive aggressive arse though just immature, especially for a 40something

GabriellaMontez · 27/04/2018 09:31

She sounds hard work.

You sound just as bad in your treatment of her.

I've not missed the point. Most people haven't. Hth.

Lizzie48 · 27/04/2018 09:36

I think it's the OP's attitude that's got people's backs up here. Yes, I would understand her being slightly annoyed about it, but to be seething about it so long after the event just makes her seem like she's been in a long sulk about it. Very immature, time to act your age.

greendale17 · 27/04/2018 09:41

**She sounds awful OP. That passive aggressive occupation of the front room when she doesn’t normally go in there speaks volumes.

^This. I would move

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