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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

354 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 12:45

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 24/04/2018 12:49

Suggest it's for her own good it's cancelled. You can't be sure not to mention her recent behaviour and her friends wouldn't be impressed she is a thief.
And what if anything important went missing who would you blame?

Kaykay06 · 24/04/2018 12:49

Sounds fair to me, I also have a greedy 12 year old doing similar, not sure what they think when they are taking things and lying, I’ve hidden all treats to the point I can’t remember where I put them

Peachyking000 · 24/04/2018 12:50

YABU. My mum used to hide food from
us, and I ended up getting my own food issues and I’ve been overweight since my teen years. Why not stop buying sugary food instead?

Also, what 12 year old can’t reach a high cupboard? Would t be much of a deterrent for my 11 year old

Theknacktoflying · 24/04/2018 12:54

I would - consequences for lying
Also, don’t buy treats ...

Foxysoxy10 · 24/04/2018 12:54

Why do you think she is doing these things op?

It seems that she must be very desperate to get the ‘treats’ when she knows there are quite heavy sanctions in place.

Do you think it may have become even more important for her to get the treats now they are so forbidden?

I know what I would do but I think it would be piles apart from how you wish there handle it so I won’t offer any advice just maybe it would be good to work out why she is doing it in the first place rather than getting into a massive battle.

Trinity66 · 24/04/2018 12:54

YANBU, besides the sweet issue the lying would really bother me. Maye you should stop buying treats for a while

Unforgiving2 · 24/04/2018 12:54

Yabu... It's her birthday, surely there is a different punishment you can do?
Have you asked her why she does it? Comfort eating? Hungry?
Perhaps she needs more filling food in evenings? Mine all have a bowl of porridge before bed.

borlottibeans · 24/04/2018 12:55

I understand about taking her sisters sweets, but is it really stealing when a 12 year old eats general food in her own home? Hmm

Foxysoxy10 · 24/04/2018 12:55

*poles apart Blush

Mrscog · 24/04/2018 12:57

She's 12 - maybe she's about to have a growth spurt? You sound a bit too controlling for the age.

Stealing a sibling's treats is a different matter and I think you handled that well.

Maybe let them have free reign on the treats but only buy them every fortnight- my Mum's mantra was 'when they're gone they're gone'.

Returnofthesmileybar · 24/04/2018 12:57

God it seems very harsh to me, as for suggesting you threaten to tell her friends, wow, she took a few digestives and went on her iPad, perspective please. I'd be more annoyed by the lying than anything, though I can see why she would lie when then punishments are so harsh

I think you might want to rethink how you handle treats too, hiding food only makes it seem more attractive imo

BarbarianMum · 24/04/2018 12:58

You sound very rule bound, esp about food. Instead of controlling her intake in this way, why not sit down and talk to her about making good choices, snacking and what she'd like to have available to snack on. I would strongly advise you to avoid making food a battleground in this way.

causeimunderyourspell · 24/04/2018 12:58

It sounds like you are making a battle ground out of everything at the moment, why are you being so controlling? The deceit isn't good, but you have to ask yourself, how would you feel if there was a rule, block or lecture around everything you wanted to do?

From what you have posted, it sounds as though your daughter has binging tendencies. Why are they 'treats', and not allowed everyday? Surely 2 choc biscuits every day (even if they are right before dinner) are better than raiding the cupboards at the first opportunity and eating everything in sight?

I'm not saying let your daughter eat all kinds of crap constantly, but a 'treat' not everyday, is making a big deal of something that really isn't. Have you every asked her why she's taking food without asking? Happy people don't binge, I can guarantee this.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 24/04/2018 12:58

Lying and stealing is wrong and she should be punished for that.

You are making 'treats' the forbidden fruit and placing some sort of great importance on them.

Cockmagic · 24/04/2018 12:58

Seems harsh, 2 chocolate biscuits before tea isn't exactly much 🤔

Quartz2208 · 24/04/2018 12:59

For a start fairly sure is not enough

And also you are not really looking into why she is doing this - you are creating a situation that is the opposite of what you want which is making treats even more desirable - she is 12 and you seem to be treating her as if she is much younger.

Naughty1205 · 24/04/2018 13:00

I don't get these posts. She's obviously doing this for a reason which makes sense to her. Is she hungry? Does she have periods yet, would it be pmt? You sound quite strict around food op. Cancelling her birthday sleepover for the sake of a few biscuits is ott and harsh imo. Can you have a proper discussion around it?

MismatchedStripySocks · 24/04/2018 13:01

I had to not give my son any birthday presents this year after a very serious misdemeanour. It was hard and I felt like shite (why??!!) but believe me he deserved it!

AntipodeanOpalEye · 24/04/2018 13:01

Has she a weight issue you are trying to address. I'd be more worried about the lying and sneaking than her wanting a couple of biscuits.

MrsJayy · 24/04/2018 13:02

If you restrict treats you need to stop buying them she is either feeling deprived and comfort eating or hungry. You need to help her to have a better relationship with food she doesn't care about punishment or sanctions because they reward for pinching biscuits and sweets is better. I wouldn't cancel her birthday party poor kid will feel terrible telling her friends she isn't allowed because she was caught stealing biscuits

lovelyjubilly · 24/04/2018 13:02

Seems very harsh to me too. I can remember how hungry I used to be age 12.

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 13:03

Peachy - I have other DC that manage not to steal treats and deserve them once in a while. I also believe that making treats unavailable entirely makes them more desirable and I try to encourage everything in moderation.

The idea behind moving them was not to stop her, of course she can get to a higher cupboard - but to make her think about what she was doing rather than just helping herself.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 24/04/2018 13:04

Btw biscuits is just food

RedSkyAtNight · 24/04/2018 13:05

I agree with others that understanding why she is taking the things, rather than just issuing increasingly draconian punishments is surely the key?

If you trusted her to be sensible about what food she ate, I suspect it might be less attractive. You're going to find it increasingly harder to monitor everything she is eating as she gets older - yes, you might be able to impose strict rules at home, but you can't impose so many rules on what she does away from the home.

Dorris83 · 24/04/2018 13:05

Wow don’t do what April said- threatening to shame a 12 year old in front of their friends is just unkind and unnecessary.

I think you need to take a step back and think about what you actually want to get out of this situation. I expect it is that you want your DD to show restraint and to understand that treats are not for every day and not for her to sneak.

In that case perhaps a bigger talk about why this rule is in place- putting barriers in the way (moving it to a high cupboard) hasn’t helped so what does she suggest to help the situation. Certainly you should tell her that it makes you trust her less when you discover that she had snuck things out of the cupboard.

I fear that you will make this a bigger issue and make her more likely to resort to sneaky behaviour if you blow up about this and cancel the sleepover.

Deep breath, this isn’t that unusual. Plenty of people have an irresistible urge to have treats even when they know they shouldn’t.