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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

354 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 12:45

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
CrabbyJo · 24/04/2018 13:17

I don't understand this. I find it bizarre that you see a 12 year old helping themselves to food in their own home as stealing. Both my DC help themselves. The only time they'd ever ask if they were allowed something is if we'd not had dinner yet and they want to know how long it'll be.
I get the punishment for eating a siblings gift, other than that you're being totally unreasonable.

alwaysthepessimist · 24/04/2018 13:18

YABU - My mum used to do this and I have had a weight issue basically for my entire life, to this day I still secretly eat, the lying & stealing go hand in hand, you don't 'allow' these things so to get them she needs to sneak them but the punishment is so extreme she lies to try to avoid it - I suggest you sit down and talk it out with her, she is 12 and finding her way in life - don't buy the treats then say you can't eat them, either buy them with the message when they are gone they are gone or don't buy them at all. FWIW too confiscating tech is crap, it doesn't work as a deterrent so don't waste your time, I hated the being kept in and not allowed to play out punishment worse than anything else.

bootLegging · 24/04/2018 13:18

A kitkat a day in a lunchbox (what kind of shit schools still allow this) is too much.

That's besides the point though. You're tempting her with having the crap food in the house and I can't quite put my finger on it but 'stealing treats' has a nasty tone.

The more you stop a child doing something, the more they'll want to.

I think a cancelled birthday party is a massive punishment and not something I'd consider for this.

Ninjamilo · 24/04/2018 13:19

Well you're going the right way about pushing your daughter away, that's for sure...

BoffinMum · 24/04/2018 13:19

She's probably hungry and this is the easiest and laziest food source to grab. It's completely normal for kids to do this.

You need to stop buying the dodgy stuff and replacing it with something that she likes and which fills her up. I did a blog post on it here:

Helping teenagers towards healthier food raiding

saoirse31 · 24/04/2018 13:19

You sound ridiculously controlling...your other kids 'deserve' treats, why? Cos they're not as hungry as her or whatever reason is which you don't seem interested in determining.

KurriKurri · 24/04/2018 13:19

I don't agree with using birthdays as a means of punishment. They come once a year - what would you do if it wasn't her birthday - what punishment would you use ? Use that.

It sounds as if she is craving sugar - some people find it more addictive than others. Has she started her periods yet - I always used to crave sugar just before my period.

I would stop hiding treats, - don't buy them, or buy them one at a time so you don't have as store she can access. Your rules sounds quite strict - why isn;t she allowed limited time on the ipad mid week - maybe half an hour after she has done her homework ? Be a bit more flexible, by making things 'forbidden' you are making them more attractive and desirable. And strict rules and punishments don't allow children to learn self control.

Coveredinbeeeeeeeeeeeees · 24/04/2018 13:19

Do you have weight issues OP?

BoffinMum · 24/04/2018 13:20

PS It works quite well if she has a snack budget and gets a big say in what is bought.

teaandtwigs · 24/04/2018 13:20

No one is saying ignore it, but you seem to think we are all wrong and you are right. I agree that it sounds like you have a very strict household and it's completely normal for them to push these boundaries. Is she your oldest? What was she using the iPad for? Does she have a way to communicate with her friends during the week if she isn't allowed to use tablet devices?

Don't make this a huge issue around food. Talk to her, ask her why. Speak to her about planning family meals, preparing the shopping list, budgeting. Involve her in the family food choices and let her pick something on her own that she would like, that she can have either in her packed lunch or as a snack at home. Sometimes giving them a bit of responsibility instead of punishing can be more effective

Brokenbiscuit · 24/04/2018 13:21

I have a 12yo dd. I don't really understand your approach tbh. You control when she eats treats. You control when she goes on her ipad. When are you expecting her to learn to self-regulate? She will be an adult in just a few years, and you won't be around to tell her what to do.

She should not have taken her sister's stuff, but you dealt with that. Fine. With regard to the general treats and ipad usage, wouldn't it be better to talk to her about limiting herself, rather than imposing harsh punishments? She is certainly old enough to understand and take responsibility (assuming no SN, of course).

The deceitful behaviour is also wrong, obviously, but that may be at least partly a response to an excessively controlling approach on your part.

Cancelling her party would humiliate her in front of her friends. I wouldn't do that, but I would have a chat with her about why she is doing what she is doing, why you don't feel that it's good for her and why you're upset about the deceitful behaviour.

Ski4130 · 24/04/2018 13:22

How on earth is it stealing? That sounds incredibly controlling, if the food is in the house, it's family food surely? Either stop buying treats, or stop making them the forbidden fruit, it's not healthy.

butteriesplease · 24/04/2018 13:23

oh my goodness, DO NOT CANCEL THE SLEEPOVER.
that's a totally separate thing from the biscuits.

I used to scoff biscuits around that age and still ate my dinner! She's growing, hungry and fancies a few biscuits. You need to loosen up quite a bit.

If you really don't want her having biscuits at home, then you have to stop buying them. You can't honestly think growing kids will just angelically leave them uneaten without your actual holy blessing.

And HOW do you know for sure that it wasn't any of your other kids??

Don't cancel the sleepover, but do have an honest chat. iPads downstairs at night, or whatever if youa re limiting screen time.

but a few biscuits losing her birthday treat - that's totally extreme.

Cockmagic · 24/04/2018 13:23

Maybe your cooking is crap?

Maybe she had a shit day at school and wanted a biscuit?

I think you need to calm down!

Witchend · 24/04/2018 13:24

I think the dd should be made aware she would be unpopular with her peers for such behaviour - as she would be.
I doubt it. More likely they'll pity her having a mum who won't let her have a couple of biscuits and then resorts to telling her friends to humiliate them.

Give her a few years and she'll be making her own choices. Your task at present is to help her make the right choices when she comes there. If you deny them, then she's far more likely to end up over indulging on them when she can.

RoughPatchMum · 24/04/2018 13:24

A kitkat a day in a lunchbox (what kind of shit schools still allow this) is too much.

Only on Mumsnet Hmm she’s 12, you think secondary schools are monitoring the contents of lunchboxes?

TheresTheFlyingFuckIDontGive · 24/04/2018 13:24

When I was little, my Mum wouldn't let us have 'treats'. So we (my sister and I) climbed up to the highest cupboard and ate all the vitamins. Next time, we ate all the cough sweets in the house (and my Uncle worked for a manufacturer, so we had LOTS).

I'm still surprised that neither of us grew up to have any lasting eating disorders. It's a very bad way to live though, with that lack of trust.

Maybe read some of the replies on here, OP.

SendintheArdwolves · 24/04/2018 13:25

Is this a "girl" thing, OP? My mother felt that, as a boy, my brother was perfectly allowed to shovel food into his mouth and he couldn't be expected to show any restraint, whereas as I (as a female) ought to be forever moderating myself, thinking of others, and that any food I ate that wasn't basically raw veg was a "treat" or "being greedy".

Be honest - would you be less angry with her if she was a boy and hence her hunger wasn't so frightening to you?

butteriesplease · 24/04/2018 13:25

by the way BoffinMum's blog is really good. I may implement in my house!

Davespecifico · 24/04/2018 13:25

My DD has treats on tap, they’re always there so no big deal to her, therefore not something I need to pull her up on.
As it’s your rule that you ask first and she’s continually deceitful and steals, yes you need a firm hand.
I agree re: the sleepover unless friends have already been invited.

BecauseWeCanCanCan · 24/04/2018 13:27

That's how a lifetime of binge eating started with me - an over controlling mother and food being 'treats' that were withheld from me because I was overweight, but given to my thinner brother in front of me.

You are doing awesomely well at instilling in your daughter a fear of being deprived of food, she WILL go out and buy her own stash when she can because of your attitude of 'treats' and controlling access to them, to the point of severe over punishment for transgressions.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 24/04/2018 13:27

There aren't many of them but I cannot abide lying and if someone takes something that they do not own or have permission for, then this is stealing. Whether it's a chocolate biscuit or a purse full of cash stealing is stealing

Fuck me. So, for you, there’s no shade of grey between stealing someone’s purse and eating a biscuit from your kitchen cupboard?

Are you this rigid about everything? Or just food?

I will not tell her friends anything other than we are now unable to host a party, sorry

...and you think that won’t cause her issues with her friends wanting to know why? She’ll tell them eventually ‘My Mum cancelled my birthday party because I ate a kit kat’

I just don't think I can ignore this behaviour

No, you can’t, but you can talk to her & start treating her like a 12yo, not a 2yo. Or you can use an unbending rod and wonder ‘why?’ when she becomes a secretive teen that’s never home and never listens tomyour ‘advice’.

Up to you really.

Bobbybobbins · 24/04/2018 13:28

I think replacing her sister's sweets from her own money was a good idea.

However I think cancelling her bday sleepover is ott.

I used to 'steal' biscuits at this age but grew out of it pretty quickly. My parents told me off. What I think worked actually was my mum saying that ok you can have 1 biscuit now (coming home from school v hungry) but you must eat all your tea, which I did.

IMO some negotiation and discussion works better at this age.

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2018 13:29

If you knew she was prone to behave like this there should have already been sanctions in place.

Never ever use birthdays as rewards or punishments.

lynmilne65 · 24/04/2018 13:29

mismatched did it work ?

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