to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

[LurpakIsTheOnlyButter]

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

I agree that birthdays should not be cancelled or used as punishment in any way. In addition to the other reasons already listed, I would add that punishments should never punish innocent bystanders, such as dd's friends (and their families who may have plans which depend on the sleepover). I actually think punishing innocent friends sends a lousy message to your own children that Mum is willing to be inconsiderate of other people who haven't done anything wrong.

It seems to me that the goal here is to set dd up to succeed. Also, you need to get her to see that you are on her side: you want her to be healthy, to develop trusting relationships, and be able to resist temptation and self-regulate.

Because of this, I would not put a temptation in her way which she is very unlikely to resist. For whatever reason, she is very tempted by sugar, so I wouldn't keep it in the house at the moment if you don't want her to have it. If you really need to have it in the house, lock it up somewhere and don't let her know. You can have it mysteriously appear in lunch boxes once in a while, or whatever.

I would also make sure she really understands why sugar is bad for her; there are some good films on the subject. I would have attractive savoury snacks around, and call them treats if you like. We sometimes have treats of artichoke hearts and sundried tomatoes, which are special and expensive, and which my daughter happens to love.

Finally, remember that many adults are unable to resist forbidden treats which they find desirable (cigarettes, chocolate, wine, other people's partners) and they often lie, deceive, or steal to get their fix, so don't be too shocked if your 12 year old hasn't learned to resist temptation, but think what you can do to help her.

OP - I have a 13 year old daughter and she can outeat me. She is a size 6 in clothes.

Always hungry, we had dinner last night we she then followed with a bowl of cereal later.

In the last year she has grown about 4 inches so she has a snack tub in the kitchen, it has snack size packets of dried fruit, cashew nuts etc which she can eat whenever she wants apart from one hour before we eat, she always asks me when dinner is first. We also have a fruit bowl. Saves the arguments and she eats relatively healthy.

I get the lying, that would really wind me up. Can you talk to her about how you can come to compromise?

My parents were very restrictive, they even marked bottles of milk levels etc to ensure we never had anything outside food time, when I left home food was and to some extent still an issue with me. I lose a stone, put a stone on, lost it put it on, I’m a real emotional eater now. I’m not saying your children will be the same of course but for me it back fired.

And if your friend had said it was cancelled because she'd lied and stolen?
Lied and stolen... money? Yeah, sure
Lied and stolen... biscuits? Yep, off her rocker.
‘Stolen’ biscuits. Good God

I think people should note that OP had now said she won’t cancel the sleepover, which I agree is the right choice to make. I also agree that it’s probably hormonal cravings so the poor child probably can’t help herself. OP would you consider maybe relaxing your rules a little on sweet things? I know we want our kids to be healthy but there is a balance to be struck.

My now adult DS went through massive sugar cravings during puberty. She’s now an adult and her food choices put me to shame! She can cook delicious healthy meals and rarely eats sweet things now.

And if your friend had said it was cancelled because she'd lied and stolen?.....

She'd presumably ask her what she'd stolen and then she would say "a biscuit"

'Stealing' implies the food doesn't belong to her.

Do you view it as belonging to you until you dish it out?

This is very different to my home, where the food belongs to all of us, there is unlimited fresh fruit, yoghurts, veg sticks & hummus, nuts

And limited crisps, sweets & biscuits (I don't buy fizzy drinks) each week.

My teens have access to it all, but when the treats are gone then they aren't replenished till next weeks' shop. They have learnt to ration them and share between them. My only requiems is that they eat the healthy, home cooked meals I make, which they always do.

Both my teens are very slim (skinny even) but seem to eat lots and lots. And often (to my annoyance) will be making a huge mess in the kitchen themselves sandwiches & chopping up fruit late at night or making an omelet. It drives me mad, but I feel if they are hungry it's best they go to bed with a full stomach.

This has made me fancy a KitKat...

I wonder if you need to let her explore, make her own choices and mistakes for a bit?
I think as teen years approach you need to pick your battles. She could be taking drugs, selling sex, etc. What are you going to do if something big arises if you are willing to cancel a birthday treat over lying about kitkats.
Of course lying is irritating And wrong , but with a set up where she is stuffed for eating a snack, she hasn’t got the freedom to come up trumps has she?

Oh no, don't cancel her birthday sleepover.
I can understand the lies are not on. My daughter will often swipe an extra treat and share it with her brother. We are all a healthy weight. However....
I remember my mum being so controlling with treats when I was younger that I'd gorge on them when I was able to. She's still a bit now about treats, but then again she's quite controlling in other ways too. I promised myself I'd never be the same. Don't be too hard on her OP.

and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy

Haven't read the whole thread because I got stuck on this, in the OP.

Who the heck would say that to their own children? Is this some kind of reverse?

Me to Fash84 I’ve just added Ruby (!) KitKats to my online food order.

I'm sorry but buying biscuits and telling the kids not to touch them is a bit like this

I don't think its sinister for a 12 year old to sneak a few biscuits.

I never had to do it at home because my mum just left them in the cupboard. But my friends all raided their kitchens for the wagon wheels on a regular basis. I remember one friend's mum had hidden them individually inside the clean oven gloves in the drawer. We still got them. Kids just like sweet food, and make bad choices.

Overreaction to cancel the sleepover, but the OP's on board.

What I'm confused about, is what path should you take with regards to unhealthier food and teens?

Don't have it in the house at all = making it illicit and probably crave it all the more

Have it in the house but not unlimited access = possibly mixed signals to the child, and still making it illicit to a certain extent

Have it in the house and they can help themselves = great in theory but what happens if your child doesn't have the self control and does gorge and does spoil their appetite for healthier and more filling meals?

Not being snide, I'm genuinely interested.

I am quite confused here.
I have 2 kids, similar age to OP. If I buy a multipack of kitkats, I’ll put them in the drawer. Anyone in my family can take one whenever they wish. Nobody gorges on the whole pack, people just have one if they want to or if they feel like it.
OP your rules sound incredibly strict and I would be wary of doing things that cause your dd to lie to you. She shouldn’t need to lie to you. And the lies will just get bigger as a teen. You should let her have a kitkat if she wants imo. It’s not shameful to want to eat a kitkat.

I am a mean cook BTW and make all sorts of yummy home made meals from scratch

And how could your dd POSSIBLY prefer chocolate to your amazing meals 😂

Lots of people are great cooks. Doesn't mean people don't fancy something sweet

I'm really glad you changed your mind on the sleepover birthday, that's one of her most important birthdays ever, she will remember it for the rest of her life!

It sounds like she is really hungry.

As previous posters have pointed out, when children start to get near teens they need a lot more food than some people may realise.

I spent the majority of high school being extremely hungry a lot of the time, I was perilously underweight as well. My mum did not intentionally do this, I realise this now. I think she was simply unaware of the calorie requirements for teenagers. She would cook the same thing for everyone. As I was vegetarian at that point, I'd have the same meal, minus the meat. I sometimes wish I could redo high school but at a normal weight, I wonder if I'd have felt better. I felt exhausted and cold the majority of the time. I would say from Year 8 to the end of school I felt ill. That's a lot of years. I was hungry and felt horrible. Please speak to her about it and find out what's going on.

I think YABU. In my parents house growing up my mum always had loads and loads of biscuits in but they were treated as taboo. She would monitor them and she was so anal about food (and also quite possibly a sociopath, tests reveal) that she would almost taunt us (my sister and I) with them. If we had even 1 she would go mad.
As teenagers when we were hungry we would just nick a pack of biscuits then eat them in our rooms. She would go mental, love to tell us how fat and disgusting we are. It became a huge thing and both my sister and I struggle with various food issues now in our adulthood, largely down, I suspect, to my mum's crazy obsessiveness over food when we were growing up.

With my daughter, who is only 8mo, I'm aiming for treats little and often. If when she's 12 she wants 2 biscuits, she can have 2 biscuits, it's hardly going to kill her. That should also be balanced with a good mix of fruit and veg, meat, fish, simple and complex carbs, and mixed fats.

I can see the look on my dgs faces if offered a sun dried tomato!!!!

That poor hound, Pickwick!

@ScattyCharly I'd say that's what things should be like.

I have a 13 year old girl. She never asks me what she can eat. She eats like my pug and is a size 6. Let her be a pre-teen, don't cancel her party. Relax, she will move out one day and you'll miss picking up all the sweet wrappers from the bedroom :)

Cancelling her birthday sleepover seems very harsh to me.

I'm so glad you aren't going to cancel her birthday - a disproportionate reaction to something you are only 'fairly sure' she did this morning.

I think the sugar craving re periods could be at play here and she's young so she might not realise that's what is going on, just that she's craving something sweet and a banana won't do.

I won't add further 'advice' re how you make sweet food available in your house, I think it's all been said. I was of the 'buy with the weekly shop, when it's gone that's it' school of thought. I didn't expect anyone to come to me in supplication for a penguin biscuit and arbitrarily decide yay or nay and expect my word to stand without question. I also never regarded food taken from family supplies as 'stealing' but if you do, then you do.

Mine are all late teens now and none of them has a wildly sweet tooth or eats crap to excess. The boys get through bread and cereal like billy-o, but that's it really. You can start to relax the reins a bit with teens without losing control completely.