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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

354 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 12:45

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
frutti · 25/04/2018 23:30

So you’re going to stop buying sweet things now as well right? Because otherwise you do sound a bit hypocritical and controlling.

Stealing her sisters sweets was absolutely wrong but sneaking out treats from a cupboard. She sounds like she could do with some help as well here. I would say no more unhealthy food in the house now. Will benefit all of you. Practise what you preach...

Ps there’s good research to stop calling certain foods treats as it can lead to eating disorders. Further reason to stop reassuring yourself you only buy treats because of your other dc. They too would benefit from having only fruit etc. regardless.

frutti · 25/04/2018 23:32

Oh and I hope my answer naturally led to, don’t cancel the party. Cruel and unnecessary imo.

Icanttakemuchmore · 26/04/2018 06:31

Is she eating enough? Maybe she's hungry. Off her the 'treats' rather than making them forbidden. You'll give her a complex if you make them unobtainable. Chocolate shouldn't be treated as a treat and then they'll be just like any other cupboard food and hopefully not so much of an issue or forbidden 'fruits'! I have a cupboard full of treats and no restrictions - they hardly get touched from one week to the next. Two chocolate biscuits is hardly a crime but lying isn't good but if the punishment is very harsh then it's a wonder she is lying. Getting to the bottom of the problem would be the best answer all round.

Icanttakemuchmore · 26/04/2018 06:32

offer

Teacher22 · 26/04/2018 06:35

The responses on this thread that suggest that you are in the wrong are part of why we have raised an entitled, depressed, snowflake generation. You are in the right. Stealing and lying are wrong and, if your daughter continues to do both, she could be in trouble with friends and at school.

Take a firm and reasonable approach and, if she steals again, cancel her sleepover. It will not be good for her if she beats you and is allowed to carry on trashing the rules.

Having said that, I had two children who were economical with the truth and one who took food and then money from the house. It is not the end of the world if kids try it on. Just be prepared to have a firm but fair battle and win it for their future benefit.

Also, ignore people who indulge their children. They are just rendering their offspring unemployable and potentially friendless.

MeetPrinceHobnob · 26/04/2018 06:48

OMG!

I do NOT understand this way of parenting. It seems so cold. Charts, punishments, rationed sweets, the concept of cancelling a child's birthday party JUST because the child has been helping herself to sweets from the cupboard. Confused

It's all so controlling and ignorant to the fact that we all have complex personalities with some 'naughty' tendencies. This 'beating' star charting it out of the dc makes me feel really uncomfortable. Why don't you speak to dd and find out what's going on? Help her control herself IF she is eating too many sweets rather than beat her into it. Food is such a complex topic for many people. Either don't have sweets in the house at all or allow you dd to choose for herself whilst teaching her kindly what's good and not so good for her.

But stop correcting her. You will have massive issues on your hands.

speakout · 26/04/2018 06:57

I agree.

It's simply not possible in our house to "steal food".

Food is there for the whole family, children need to learn to self regulate rather than have their actions determined by punishments- or even rewards.
Punishment teaches children to lie rather than develop their own internal moral compass.

I don't punish, I have never punished. I think it is a lazy way of parenting.

MeetPrinceHobnob · 26/04/2018 06:58

The responses on this thread that suggest that you are in the wrong are part of why we have raised an entitled, depressed, snowflake generation.^ Thank goodness your generation whichever one that is has produced a compassionate, generous and insightful individual
thistle such as yourself?

DrGreeneChairLean · 26/04/2018 07:25

Can we all please stop using the word 'snowflake'? That is of course unless you're a redneck American Trump supporter with a gun, they seem to own that term Smile

BackInTime · 26/04/2018 08:40

It’s about balance and moderation, harshly punishing a child for ‘stealing’ a couple of biscuits in her own house could have very negative consequences as PPs have explained. The OPs reaction was disproportionate and she has admitted that she realises this.

RunLillian88 · 26/04/2018 09:14

You’re rules sound a bit OTT OP! The lying is bad, but i can’t follow the rules you’ve listed that she’s broken, I don’t think I could follow all the others there must be!

Confused

I think it’s a bit much cancelling the party. focus on the stealing and lying, and maybe give her more freedom, because to me that’s what she’s trying to get by being ‘deceitful’.

jocarter67 · 26/04/2018 09:33

I don’t think that you should ignore the behaviour, it does need to be addressed, also it has nothing to do with the fact she’s stealing food, it’s the fact that she’s stealing full stop. My 11 y.o Dgs was stealing “treats” the problem was he was also stealing from his friends and the local shop as well. It genuinely turned out as an attention problem, his sister had been seriously ill, and although we tried so hard to spend as much time with him as possible, sometimes it just wasn’t possible.
Good luck to you OP

ppeatfruit · 26/04/2018 09:57

Bitcat Do you regret the stopping of corporal punishment by schools and parents?

Funnily when we were all hanged, punished brutally etc. for stealing sheep, even for stealing when we were starving etc. it didn't stop the wars , killing and stealing did it?

There is no way that you can fight brutality with brutality. It creates humiliation , lying and warlike tendencies.

Lizzie48 · 26/04/2018 10:39

My parents were very authoritarian when we were growing up and I understand now that they used fear to keep us in line. We were expected to behave like little adults from being very young. My DSis was supposedly a bad liar, but she can't have been more than 3 or 4 when I remember them saying that.

But what happened was it was self fulfilling. Because she had been labelled a liar, she eventually thought she may as well be one. So she then did tell lies, and got me into trouble. So if you focus on the bad behaviour and label children as a liar or a thief, eventually they will start to see themselves as that. So rather than stopping the behaviour, that style of parenting encourages children to lie in order to stay out of trouble.

Some children obviously do learn to behave through punishment and humiliation, but only because of fear of the parents. I don't want my DDs to be afraid of me, so I don't parent them that way.

margesimpson40 · 26/04/2018 11:32

teacher on the contrary I've got an employed friendly 22 year old son who has no issue with food or me. I'm the screw up cause my mum treated me in the way your promiting

ppeatfruit · 26/04/2018 14:20

I'd rather have a child who is'nt afraid to show his or her feelings , can report the inappropriate behaviour of an adult, without being being mocked , be listened to, "snowflake" child than a humiliated fearful child and grown up with eating disorders thank you teacher

Petitepamplemousse · 26/04/2018 17:53

MeetPrincdHobnob, I totally agree. It’s completlry alien to me. Horrible way of doing things IMO.

Bettiedraper · 26/04/2018 17:58

If you hide food you turn it into a game. "If you can find it, you can eat it!" At least it was that way in my house growing up (and yes it led to binge-eating on the occasions when the treats were found).

tava63 · 28/04/2018 10:22

A very thought provoking thread - the first step before even thinking of 'punishing' needs to be 'understanding'.

Lisapops · 29/04/2018 19:54

Is she the eldest child? When I did these sorts of things regarding food I know that my younger sisters would never have dreamed of taking treats as they were not the same age, equally I would not have dreamed of it when younger than 12/13. I was the post that mentioned maybe her hormones are all over the place, has she started her periods? All this happened to me at around that point in my life

Lisapops · 29/04/2018 20:00

Teacher.. wow “unemployable and friendless” you are deluded. I indulge my daughter as she is my only child, I want her to feel nothing but secure and loved and if she earns something or saves for something then I will do anything I can if it makes her happy, we also make sure that we do as much as we can for less fortunate people and I show her as much of life’s diversity as I can. To assume that someone who in endulged is only spoilt and will end up unemployable and friendless is just rediculous. I would rather my child could come to me with any problem or issue no matter how bad she thought it was, I would never be so Dickensian in my view of other people’s parenting!

BITCAT · 01/05/2018 12:10

Rules are rules. Lots of parents gave different rules and standards...they must learn to live by the rules in their house.
When i was a child parents rules were final, you didnt argue it
Everywhere you go there are rules, you cant go stealing food at your place of work..even if it is just a couple of biscuits. Its still stealing if you didnt ask for it.
We have a treat draw but they have to ask otherwise they would eat the lot and this would create problems.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 01/05/2018 12:15

This is not stealing though

Massive overreaction and very controlling parenting

Goodness, "stealing" a few choccie bics at 12.... she probably just has these growth-spurt related calorie cravings teens get.

Cancelling party seems harsh

ppeatfruit · 01/05/2018 12:54

What sort of child do you think wouldn't know the difference between their home and their place of work BIT ?

If you bring your child up to OBEY all rules strictly, how are they going to show independence of mind and be able to stand up to inappropriate behaviour from adults? As we know there was terrible covering up of child abuse when everyone taught children to OBEY regardless.

Petitepamplemousse · 02/05/2018 23:48

@Teacher22, couldn’t disagree more. As a fellow teacher I feel depressed by your comments. How awful that a member of the profession thinks of our students as precious snowflakes. I think young people are wonderful and love teaching them. How unfortunate for your pupils that you don’t feel the same.

Oh, and I had relaxed rules as a child and parents who weren’t strict and I am already a successful middle leader at 26. Relaxed parents with fewer rules does not make one unemployable.