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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

354 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 12:45

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 13:45

Ok, I accept AIBU.

I will not cancel her sleepover. I will have a chat with her again when she gets home from school. Someone upthread mentioned sweet cravings in relation to hormones which I hadn't considered.

It's clear she won't make healthy choices as she was filling up on sweet stuff and not eating her tea when I first caught her at it. Her bedroom drawer was full of empty chocolate wrappers etc. So I will stop buying the treats (perhaps I will replace them with dog Biscuit Grin) and let her eat what she likes when she likes.

I am a mean cook BTW and make all sorts of yummy home made meals from scratch and the kids all love my cooking as does DH.

OP posts:
BringMeCoffeePlease · 24/04/2018 13:45

She’s only lying because you’re withholding food that she wants.

MaiaRindell · 24/04/2018 13:45

Don't cancel her sleepover! If that's the way you rule the roost, I'd take Kit Kats and lie to you too.

Saltcrust · 24/04/2018 13:45

Personally I prefer that birthdays and special occasions have special status and I dont think they should be linked to punishments in any way.

CuntPuffin · 24/04/2018 13:46

You'd cancel a sleepover over a few biscuits and unsanctioned access to an iPad? The next few years are going to be a barrel of laughs in your house! This is definitely not the hill to die on.

Anecdotal, but my mother was brought up with similar rigidity of access to 'treats'. She has always been open about the fact that this led her to gorging once she was making her own choices as she craves what she hadn't been allowed. Net result, she has been obese all her adult life. She allowed all of us free access, we are all appropriate weight into our forties.

whatshappening1 · 24/04/2018 13:47

I think you should cancel the sleepover cause when parents don’t follow through with threats the kids realise that and know nothing is going to happen. Whereas cancelling the sleepover gives the clear message her behaviour is not acceptable

mimibunz · 24/04/2018 13:47

I would do the sleepover but definitely find another way to punish her and reinforce your rules. You are not being controlling! Life has rules and there are consequences for breaking those rules. She doesn't need to lie; she needs to follow your rules.

Didiusfalco · 24/04/2018 13:48

Urgh. I’m cringing at the constant use of the word ‘treat’ op. Food is food, yes some is more healthy than others but you shouldn’t be attaching reward status/additional importance to it. So she has free access to fruit? That doesn’t always cut it. Would suggest a sensible conversation about healthier more carb filled snacks she would like - crumpets, tea cakes, cheese and biscuits? Talk to her - she’s not a baby, involve her in her own health and eating, it is her body.

Additionally cancelling the sleep over seems massively disproportionate - I think you need to get some perspective.

maccaroni · 24/04/2018 13:48

You are treating her like a toddler. Stop buying kitkats and putting them in her lunchbox. Swap them for something that won't give her a sugar rush, followed by a low and make her crave more sugary snacks when she gets home. Make sure that she eats a healthy snack when she gets through the door after school to sustain her until tea time. Ideally something with protein.

You need to calm down and stop making a huge issue over food. I don't like lying either & wont have it, but approach this from the other side and she will stop taking food and have no need to lie. I'd lie if you were my mum!

Pengggwn · 24/04/2018 13:49

I think the issue is that you say 'yes' and 'no' to treats arbitrarily, so when she really, really wants one (and don't we all from time to time?) you will say 'no', and this makes her feel a lack of control. She isn't five. She should be able to control her own access to treats. Why not give her a certain number of treats per week (from the supermarket shop) and she can have them when she likes? If she spoils her dinner, that's on her. Then, if she runs out of 'her' treats that week, that's it: no argument, you just don't have any more.

Didiusfalco · 24/04/2018 13:49

Sorry op - cross post. Good decision on the sleep over.

BoffinMum · 24/04/2018 13:49

Thank you for that very unhelpful and legally inaccurate comment, Bootleg. I am sure that really adds to the debate on kids and food.

SabineUndine · 24/04/2018 13:50

I wonder if she’s doing this for attention or comfort eating. Maybe a few more hugs and fewer rules might help.

Trinity66 · 24/04/2018 13:50

She’s only lying because you’re withholding food that she wants.

Yeah the sweets Hmm

can't believe so many people think 12 year olds should be allowed eat chocolate and sweets whenever they want

PuppyMonkey · 24/04/2018 13:50

Blimey.

That's all I've got to say TBH.

ConkerGame · 24/04/2018 13:51

My mum was like this with sugar and it meant that as soon as I had my own money I went crazy on the sugar front and spent it all on chocolate and other unhealthy snacks and would binge on them every day at school. It also meant I had to lie to my mum which then meant I continued to lie to her about other stuff as a teenager as I was so used to it by then.

Such an unhealthy attitude to promote. If you think sugary snacks are bad then don’t buy whole packs of them for the DCs to eat!

Dondie · 24/04/2018 13:51

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to cancel it. Each house has its own rules and a child breaking them over and over needs to be nipped in the bud.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 24/04/2018 13:52

And her friends, far from being shocked at her 'behaviour', will be genuinely sad for her because her mother treats her like a toddler. Those girls will tell their mothers, and their mothers, if they are kind, will start making sure your daughter has their house to go to when she inevitably rebels against the ridiculously tight boundaries and tells you to go fuck yourself.

Absolutely this ^

StaplesCorner · 24/04/2018 13:52

I tried to scrape together a modicum of sympathy for you OP but I think the big grins and the language you use about your kids, particularly this child, is mean.

Its not your DD that needs a good talking to its you. I hate people who treat kids like this.You sound like a smug bully.

Nikephorus · 24/04/2018 13:52

When I was in school, if my friends Mum told us her sleepover was cancelled because she eaten some biscuits and played some computer, I would have felt sorry for her and thought her Mum was of her rocker.
And if your friend had said it was cancelled because she'd lied and stolen?.....

allchangenochange · 24/04/2018 13:52

That sounds like a great update OP. It is hard adapting your parenting style sometimes but it sounds like you have a good new plan.

I have to agree the original plan was OTT and likely to lead to bigger problems in the long run.

obachan · 24/04/2018 13:52

Locking away Kitkats, doling them out as rationed treats, and giving disproportionate punishments for eating them does not teach any adolescent life-skills about self-restraint or appetite control.

What it does do, very effectively, is connect sweet or restricted foods with a number of emotional associations (guilt, shame, rebellion, independence, reward, solace) which have the potential to screw up future eating habits.

And it's no use saying 'yes, but she broke the rules, that's what I'm really bothered about'. They're your rules, and they're unreasonable.

Given your responses so far, though, I expect we'll all be getting a lecture soon about how this lax attitude is the cause of rising obesity levels.

MrsJayy · 24/04/2018 13:54

She clearly has a very sweet tooth and you are just trying to curtail her scoffing Ithink not having as much in the house is a start. I didn't restrict sweet food but I usually only bought enough for everybody so we had to share iyswim I know it sounds restrictive but it helped them to regulate their eating.

BonsaiBear · 24/04/2018 13:54

Well done for being willing to reconsider your POV OP. I think it's the right choice not to cancel the party and also look into possible underlying reasons for her trying to get access to the sweeter food.

I do think it's good for growing youngsters to learn to self-regulate but not all of them manage it the first few times.

StaplesCorner · 24/04/2018 13:54

And if your friend had said it was cancelled because she'd lied and stolen?..... then I'd be desperately sad for her that her own mother called this behaving "lying and stealing" - I think she was a fuckwit.

That's her own child taking a kit kat.