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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

354 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 12:45

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
BringMeCoffeePlease · 24/04/2018 13:06

I would not be cancelling the sleepover.

In my opinion, you’re being too strict with what she can and can’t eat. She’s obviously wanting to eat sugary things, she may be going through a growth spurt. I would personally buy something like a packet of treat size chocolate and allow her to eat them reasonably when she wants, i.e. no more than two a day/in the evening. And when they’re gone, they’re gone. Withholding certain food is resulting in her stealing it. This can lead to serious issues around food.

UserInfinityplus1 · 24/04/2018 13:07

My mum used to forbid us taking food and I absolutely hated it. Only now that I'm an adult do I realise that it was really abnormal. We weren't allowed to eat anything when we got home from school (even though we were growing and starving) in case it spoilt our dinner some two hours later!

Like your daughter, me and my brother also used to sneak food (which I always felt incredibly guilty about).

You aren't doing her any favours by being so controlling OP. If it really bothers you then stop buying treats but encourage her to have a piece of toast or a sandwich or something.

AjasLipstick · 24/04/2018 13:07

This phrase "stealing treats" really gets my goat. Food is food. It's either healthy or unhealthy. Please don't call them "treats" it's very unhealthy generally for children to be controlled to this degree.

If your child eats too many sweets when they are available...don't buy them! They're shit anyway...now and then it's fine...but keeping some in a cupboard and expecting everyone to ignore them is weird.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 24/04/2018 13:07

Why do you even get the treats if you hide them in the high cupboard and stop everyone having them? Seems a bit mean and controlling to me. I also don't agree that it is stealing if it's food in her own home Hmm
Way to go to make food/treats an issue in future years, forbidden fruit and all that. Poor girl gets called a thief for having a few biscuits Confused

BarbarianMum · 24/04/2018 13:08

You need to talk to her. Agree a way forward. No of course she cant eat everybodies biscuits but the way you're going about stopping her is really damaging - both to your relationship and to her attitude towards food.

AjasLipstick · 24/04/2018 13:08

UserInfinity me too. I thought we were poor but in retrospect, I had two parents in work!

MrsJayy · 24/04/2018 13:11

I too hate the word treat it is ingrained that treat food is naughty etc etc

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 24/04/2018 13:11

but to make her think about what she was doing rather than just helping herself.

Make her think about what she was doing? She's not taking illicit drugs or mugging an old granny, she's having a couple of bloody biscuits after school Confused

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 13:12

DD is not overweight. She is given free access to lots of food if she is hungry, there are always plenty of healthy snacks available.

The things she is taking kitkats etc she would have in her lunchbox at school. I think one a day is enough.

I don't think I am controlling over food at all, but I don't think kids should eat all the crap they want either (or anyone else for that matter). I did speak to her onvthe first occasion about being healthy and the importance of looking after her teeth etc. It was obviously wasted breath.

I have rules in my home that all DC have to follow, not just her. There aren't many of them but I cannot abide lying and if someone takes something that they do not own or have permission for, then this is stealing. Whether it's a chocolate biscuit or a purse full of cash stealing is stealing.

I will not tell her friends anything other than we are now unable to host a party, sorry.

I just don't think I can ignore this behaviour

OP posts:
Irishgurl · 24/04/2018 13:13

I feel so sorry for your daughter. She is almost a teenager and she is being treated like a toddler. Pick your battles as they grow up or she will distance herself from you so much that you will have difficulty knowing what is going on in her life. Yes lies are wrong but it is your job to guide her on this important fact. At the moment, she has so many rules she isn't being allowed to learn her own mind. And humiliating her in front of her friends is hardly going to help. Do you use these rules for yourself? Does someone else tell you when to eat a biscuit? Yes you are an adult but she is not that far away from being a young adult.

UserInfinityplus1 · 24/04/2018 13:13

AjasLipstick We definitely weren't poor but my mum was just ridiculously controlling with food. You can only imagine what I was like when I left for University and had free reign of whatever food I wanted.

What's worse is that now she has gone completely the other way and turns up with masses of sweets for my own children when ever she sees them (all the time!)

RoughPatchMum · 24/04/2018 13:13

She’s 12 and you can’t control her eating in the same way you can a younger child. I’ve always had a massively sweet tooth and at her age I was getting the train to school on my own and spending all my pocket money on chocolate and sweets at the station every day, not a thing my mum could do about it. However my parents were never particularly strict about biscuits etc and I’ve grown up to be a perfectly healthy normal weight adult (who still likes chocolate every day!)

Don’t buy the treats if you don’t want her to have them, but try to start treating her a bit more grown up and able to make her own choices about food.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 24/04/2018 13:13

I didn't suggest the dm mention it - I think the dd should be made aware she would be unpopular with her peers for such behaviour - as she would be. My dc have treats after shopping day and then less high value stuff the rest of the week. Once they are eaten that's it!! I have bought crab sticks today and wraps +salmon pate - they will be just as happy with that after school!!

RhiWrites · 24/04/2018 13:14

When I was that age I was ravenous. Okay there’s fruit but sometimes it’s not filling in the same way as biscuits or crisps or little fairy cakes.

Why is she taking the biscuits? What’s really going on? You need to agree a plan together to help her wrestle this temptation.

What about a wider range of food she’s allowed to take?

CuriosityDoor · 24/04/2018 13:15

Growing up, we were allowed one biscuit or one chocolate bar (penguin/kit kat etc) after school. I also used to sneak away more than one and probably lied if I was asked. I was a child and wanted chocolate - no other reason than that! And I would have lied about taking them because I knew I'd get in trouble and I didn't want to get in trouble...but I also wanted chocolate! Obviously stealing someone else's chocolate is different though.

I obviously regret eating all that chocolate as I did get a bit porky once I hit puberty but I don't think it made me a bad person. Just a normal human being with a developing brain!

Greggers2017 · 24/04/2018 13:15

Wow you sound so mean and so strict. No phone for stealing 2 biscuits. I eat that when making a cheeky cup of tea.
No iPad during the week? She's 12 not 5. Carry on being so strict and she will rebel. Maybe she lies because she's hungry and she feels she can't ask you because she's hungry

Abitlost2015 · 24/04/2018 13:15

Why would taking food from your own house be “stealing” ?

calilark · 24/04/2018 13:15

Please don't. It is just food, stop attaching so much importance to it. Punish the lying, punish the stealing, but don't punish someone for eating a couple of biscuits.

Would you still be thinking of cancelling the sleepover if she'd eaten an apple before her tea, in case that spoilt her dinner? If you wouldn't, then you shouldn't cancel it over a couple of biscuits.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 24/04/2018 13:15

I will not tell her friends anything other than we are now unable to host a party, sorry.

I just don't think I can ignore this behaviour

Oh my God, poor girl. You are being far too strict, cancelling her Birthday Sleepover is just cruel.

Quartz2208 · 24/04/2018 13:15

No you shouldnt ignore it but you need to figure out why it is happening rather than just punitively punishing which is not working!

Is she your oldest because at the moment it seems that the rules that worked for younger children are not now she is getting older - and it will only get worse if you go down this path

Jaylabelle · 24/04/2018 13:15

You're handling this really badly.

My mother was like this, so me and my sister used to buy our own sugary food on the way home from school.

You need to address the root cause of why she wants to eat sugary food.

Also, stop calling them 'treats' - she's not a puppy. They're snacks.

You sound very controlling - as for threatening to shame her in front of her friends? After this sort of a childhood it would be no surprise to me if she went NC with you in adulthood.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 24/04/2018 13:16

She’s 12, she’s quite possibly having period (or hormonal pre period) related hunger & sugar cravings. I’d forgotten how awful they were until I came off the pill and a few months in wondered why I was SO hungry some days when normally I’m not that bothered about food. Finally the penny dropped! Two days every month I could eat my Grandads hat. She might not be craving an apple...can’t say I blame her.

Lying is wrong, but you’ve created a situation where to get what she needs/really craves she has to lie.

Being this way about food you are setting her up for a lifetime of eating issues, it’ll do FAR more damage than access to a couple of biscuits will.

...to answer your AIBU...YES. Massively so.

Quit with the iron rod.

BarbarianMum · 24/04/2018 13:16

OK OP do it your way. Hmm

Jaylabelle · 24/04/2018 13:17

Also, having such a controlling mother meant that me and sister rebelled constantly, and learnt to lie to her at a very young age.

You are not developing a healthy, trusting relationship atm.

MrsJayy · 24/04/2018 13:17

Well if you are not restricting her then you do need a chat why she is stealing chocolate do you think it mightbe PMT like a pp suggested?

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