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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to cancel DD birthday sleepover?

354 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 12:45

DD 12 has been stealing treats from the cupboard. I caught her red handed a while back and she lied to my face and we had a big talk about being deceitful and stealing (she also took her sisters Christmas chocs).

At the time I removed her phone as punishment and explained that I don't allow my children to eat treats all day long because they are unhealthy, there is always fruit available if snacks are needed after school etc. The DCs are allowed treats, just not 2 chocolate biscuits right before tea,
and certainly not every day.

I moved all the treats to a high cupboard to make them less accessible and DD spent her own money to buy a gift to replace sisters stolen sweets. I thought that was the end of it.

Last night I caught her doing the same again. Then immediately after removing her phone I caught her with an iPad which she is not allowed mid week and tried to hide. Again she lied when caught red handed.

This morning I am fairly sure she has been in the cupboard again and I told her yesterday one more strike this week and I would cancel her birthday sleepover this weekend.

This feels very mean to me but I think I need to follow through, nothing else seems to get through to her that this is unacceptable. So AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Davespecifico · 24/04/2018 13:29

Like poster above, we weren’t allowed treats or indeed anything containing refined foods e.g. white sugar. For A child in the70s before health food took of, it was horrendously mortifying and we were so hungry. I stole money and bought sweets and cakes till my pockets were bulging.
Luckily I’m not affected as an adult but it’s miserable as a child being denied what others have.

saoirse31 · 24/04/2018 13:30

How do you think they'll learn to be adults, independent, self regulating with your controlling all the stuff they' or she seems to really want..

Katedotness1963 · 24/04/2018 13:30

No, I would not cancel her birthday sleepover, that an over reaction to eating a couple of biscuits. And I really hate the idea children are stealing food in their own homes, the food is bought for eating.

bootLegging · 24/04/2018 13:30

@BoffinMum

The OP would be cancelling your sleepover until you stop using those stolen images on your blog.

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 24/04/2018 13:31

No, I do not have weight issues. Never have had either.

Nor at any point have I suggested I shame her in front of her friends.

The issue for me is the lying and stealing, the treats (which is what they are and my children are not puppies) are irrelevant in a way. The rules have been broken and if I ignore that then why bother having rules at all?

Maybe cancelling the sleepover is harsh which is why I posted to ask. I have tried to reason with her, I have explained trust issues, and health issues. I think I should be able to keep chocolate in the house and DCs should be allowed to have some from time to time but I also think they should eat proper food and I did not think that was such an unreasonable thing to do and really didn't expect such a flaming

But then again I did post in AIBU so...... Grin

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 24/04/2018 13:31

I never understand why some parents think cancelling a birthday party is an appropriate punishment.
Years after the reason why it was cancelled is forgotton she will still remember what you did on her 13th birthday.
In my opinion it is vastly out of proportion for her basically eating a couple of biscuits and having a sneaky extra play on an ipad.

kateandme · 24/04/2018 13:31

putting this much on food will become the thing she remembers.not the reason.nor the argument or sanctions but food associated with wrong bad,punishment.
there is reasons shes doing this.and to keep going.its gone beyong just wanting a snakc.like you say the others manage.so there is something further at play here.
have you sat down and talked to her.this routinely battle is ingraining itself.even stopping for a minute to talk,listen.and help her and you both think why this is happening and lending on ear might help her.it will certainly open up the conversation and open up the stopper put in place to think "hang on what is happening here and why?
now you going back and forth no one backing down and now you've gone past how it started in the first place to it being a battlegroudn

ppeatfruit · 24/04/2018 13:32

Exactly Jaylabelle

OP You are storing up big problems for your dd with the food controlling. She's eating the biscuits at home now, how are you going to stop her doing it at school, or on the way to school?

Loosen up, if you want her respect and love.

StubbleTurnips · 24/04/2018 13:33

It's a biscuit, not crack cocaine.

CircleofWillis · 24/04/2018 13:33

By separating food into "healthy food" and "treats" you are making the chocolate biscuits even more desirable. Why not have healthy items as treats and allow free access to biscuits etc to help her to self regulate. Just don't have many in the house.

BTW a child cannot "steal" food from their own home.

DaveswifeDawn · 24/04/2018 13:34

If you cancel her birthday sleepover, I can guarantee she won't ever forget what you did. You don't want to make her 13th birthday memorable for something negative.

ppeatfruit · 24/04/2018 13:35

As other posters have said ,It's not stealing if she's having food in her own home. A chocolate biscuit is not a 'treat' Do you think of one as a treat?

Can't she relax in her own home?

sundayfeeling · 24/04/2018 13:36

That's really harsh. Poor girl Sad
Please don't do it.
Also, be careful how much importance you attach to sweets and treats. It's a slippery road to issues with eating.

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/04/2018 13:36

OP, I get that you have rules, but what everyone is trying to tell you is that they are too strict and limiting for a 12 yo.

I have a 12 yo DS.

We have no limits on screen time provided he does what ever else he needs to do during the evening ie homework, shower etc. He also needs to come off when we ask him which he does.

We have a variety of food in the house (including chocolate, crisps and snacks) and the DC may eat what they want when they want provided that it isn't just before dinner meaning dinner is left uneaten (DS2!).

The DC are both slim, happy and doing well at school.

Too much control will equal rebellion, which is what you are starting to see.

chocatoo · 24/04/2018 13:36

I think it's mean to cancel the sleepover. Maybe investigate a greater variety of healthy snacks for her to help herself to.

QuizzlyBear · 24/04/2018 13:37

My DS (13) has behaved like this for about a year. He's a lovely boy but he doesn't want to abide by bedtime rules / eating rules etc. We have the talk, he apologises, then does it again the next night (iPad in bed etc). It really upset me at first (the deceit) and I couldn't work out why the rules wouldn't stick.

It wasn't until my DH started getting angry with him that I heard echoes of my own Dad and realised that at his age I routinely sneaked sweets where possible, read or watched tv late into the night, fibbed to my parents etc. It's the age, not the child!

I now turn a blind eye to some degree and if he's tired in the morning then he understands why and if we run out of biscuits, there's no more until the shop arrives. At this age, learning by cause and effect is more effective than arbitrary punishments IMO.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 24/04/2018 13:38

You’re not listening, but I hope you remember this thread in years to come.

KreigersClones · 24/04/2018 13:41

I feel a bit sorry for your DD not going to lie.
I bet her self esteem isn’t great, you obviously don’t have a close relationship where she feels she can talk to you.
When I was in school, if my friends Mum told us her sleepover was cancelled because she eaten some biscuits and played some computer, I would have felt sorry for her and thought her Mum was of her rocker.
Nastier kids would also have had a field day with that kind of info....

user1487194234 · 24/04/2018 13:42

She is your child and I suppose you are best placed to know what to do.
But IMHO YABVU

At her stage you need to be talking ,discussing and agreeing ,not laying down the law.Otherwise you are setting yourself for a difficult few years

Food should never be used like this,increases the risk of eating disorders.Fact .

And to cancel her party! Enough to put her in therapy.

Take it from one who is through the teenage years.Pick your battles and equip your DC to make the correct choices

colditz · 24/04/2018 13:42

She will never forgive you for such a disproportionate response.

And her friends, far from being shocked at her 'behaviour', will be genuinely sad for her because her mother treats her like a toddler. Those girls will tell their mothers, and their mothers, if they are kind, will start making sure your daughter has their house to go to when she inevitably rebels against the ridiculously tight boundaries and tells you to go fuck yourself.

deste · 24/04/2018 13:43

You are making such a big deal over this and making problems for the future. Cancelling her sleepover because she ate two biscuits. The friends will think you are crackers and will only feel sorry for your DD. Why don’t you let your children choose snacks for the week but it’s up to them to make them last. When they are done, they are done. You sound very controlling and I really feel for your daughter. As said above, when she leaves home she will gorge on rubbish because there is no one to control her.

bonnyshide · 24/04/2018 13:43

You sound unhealthily controlling over food.

You do understand that teens eat very differently to younger children? Don't you? They are bottomless pits when it comes to food.

You can not dictate what older children eat like you can with little ones, they make their own choices.

You are creating an unhealthy relationship with food that will last your DD a lifetime and you are damaging your relationship with DD and will lose all her trust just as she heads into the precarious teen years....bad move OP.

Of course it would be the wrong idea to cancel her birthday sleepover. What you should be doing is sitting by down and having a heart to heart with her, try to work with her and help her.

It's attitudes like yours that sends kids off the rails.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 24/04/2018 13:43

Why do you have a cupboard full of treat food if you want to control when it's eaten? Just have a designated day when you buy them some goodies, and stop having the temptation / arguements as a daily event.
I have to be careful what I have in the house myself in case I go to town on it, and I'm an adult with zero willpower

Butteredparsn1ps · 24/04/2018 13:44

I had v controlling abusive DPs and butted up against a lot of rules. Fine when I was small, less so as I got older and realised my friends weren't having to live under such restricted conditions.

I wasn't allowed my own sweets except one at a time after weekend lunches to be shared with other family members. I'm talking about a box of quality street or similar. I spent my lunch money on junk instead.

I wasn't allowed to read fiction books, they were a waste of time. If I had time to read, I had time to do some chores. I soon learned to play piano scales and read a book at the same time.

I wasn't allowed to watch television without asking permission and had to justify my choice of selection. TOTP wasn't on the approved list. I tried to spend as much time as I could around friends houses.

DP's believed their rules were for my benefit. but, I hated being different to my friends so I found ways around the rules. I also left home at the earliest opportunity.

OP - what is the worst that could happen if your DD could help herself to the food of her choice? What is the worst that could happen if she used the iPad mid week?

What would you consider a reasonable compromise that would stop your DD feeling she has no choice but to lie to you?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 24/04/2018 13:45

Oh God, I forgot you're cancelling the sleepover! Of course you're unreasonable, you can't possibly think you aren't