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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 21/04/2018 19:32

YAB paranoid I do this to beautiful women. Doesn't mean I want to shag them. I just like looking at pretty things/people., (I'm a straight woman by the way, I definitely don't want to shag them).

flopsyrabbit1 · 21/04/2018 19:35

nice mutual friend,not

she is stirring

PugwallsSummer · 21/04/2018 19:35

Your mutual "friend" sounds as though she enjoys stirring up a bit of drama.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:37

No, she wasn't. It wasn't trying to cause trouble, I've known her nearly ten years and she's not like that or she wouldn't be my friend. It was a genuine comment

OP posts:
SandysMam · 21/04/2018 19:37

I would be sad OP, and a bit jealous. Totally natural but you can’t punish him for looking or stop her being who she is. Instead, use it to spur yourself on to make yourself turn his head again. There is a massive emphasis on MN about not having to compete etc but only you can honestly say if you have let yourself go and if so, maybe up your game a bit. I will probably get flamed for that but every “active” marriage has to have an element of attraction, no matter how long you have been together or what you have been through.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:38

Her comments werent in one conversation praising her then saying about the eye contact, they were over the last few months

OP posts:
Adviceplease360 · 21/04/2018 19:38

Or the mutual friend is picking up on the same thing as the op and has had the nerve to tell her rather than ignore it or play it down.

PetulantPolecat · 21/04/2018 19:39

It is sad and I don’t know why you think you’ve got nothing to be worried about, other than she would refuse him. That he never ever mentions her but behaves like a love struck teen (and his colleagues and you can clearly see this? Yuck) would definitely have dented my trust in him.

How unprofessional of him and embarrassing for him.

FowlisWester · 21/04/2018 19:41

I don't know why you think he wouldn't foo anything. The nod from her and he'll probably be off like a shot I'm afraid

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:42

I wouldn't say lovestruck teen at all. I think it's a lot more subtle than that which I think is better. As far as I know, it's only our friend that's noticed and that's only as she's known him the last five years we've been together.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 21/04/2018 19:43

" no matter how long you have been together or what you have been through"

Yeah Cheryl Cole really let herself go ...............thats why Ashley cheated on her! Hmm

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 21/04/2018 19:43

I think it might be more appropriate to say ‘he’s turned his head’ rather than implying it’s the woman’s fault for ‘turning his head’ His head is his own responsibility, not anyone else’s.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:43

We have a young child, so potentially sandysmam. We're both tired a lot but we've done a lot the last few years. It's possible I have slipped out of my pre motherhood self

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:44

Woah there lol its a casual turn of phrase

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 21/04/2018 19:45

" no matter how long you have been together or what you have been through"

Wow So if someone is on medication they should just stop taking it if their partner gets "their head turned"

Pengggwn · 21/04/2018 19:45

There's nothing wrong with fancying someone who isn't your partner. What is wrong is a) broadcasting it and b) doing anything about it. Has he?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:46

I'm not on any medication... Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:47

Pengggwn, not to me at home. All I've seen is him looking at her when she wasn't aware and my friends comments who is around them 40 hours a week

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 21/04/2018 19:50

Butt it was in response to the poster who said this,

no matter how long you have been together or what you have been through.

Should be self explanatory. And this is a public board. So someone in a similar situation who is ill could have read that and felt crap as a result.

Cant believe ive just had to explain that.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:52

There's no need to be rude

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 21/04/2018 19:52

Sorry if that sounded unsympathetic, I hope everything works out ok for you. I just get a bit fed up with the underlying misogyny of these casual phrases where essentially it’s blamed on the woman- no husband ever got ‘stolen’ if they didn’t want to be.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:55

Slightlypeturbedowlagain, you didn't, I took your post in the spirit it wasn't intended

I've never seen him look at anyone else before so it's making me sad

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 21/04/2018 19:55

Exactly Slightly. Im sick of the blaming of women for mens behaviour.

Olympiathequeen · 21/04/2018 19:57

I would be honest and say that you have noticed he never talks about her which in itself is odd and that you saw him looking at her like a moth at a flame. Don’t mention your friend’s observations though.

Tell him you find it hurtful and even though you trust him, it makes you sad. People can be strongly attracted to other people, especially in a work environment and it’s may just nip it in the bud if he knows you are aware of it.

HelenaDove · 21/04/2018 19:57

How old is your DH Butt.