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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Hateloggingin · 21/04/2018 22:09

My friend had similar happen. Her dh and a mutual friend of theirs worked together. The mutual friend told my friend that her dh was looking a ‘bit cosy’ with a woman at work and that they were spending lots of time together in meetings (without much business cause).

My friend had a year old baby and felt v sad. She eventually asked her dh and he reacted angrily ‘I’m being spied on!’ ‘It’s ridiculous!!’ ‘I’m allowed female friends!!’ Etc etc. From things that happened afterwards, they were having an EA at the very least. Her marriage suffered very badly and she even saw a solicitor about divorce. They seem ok now but it destroyed the trust for a long time.

Anyway, the mutual friend who told her certainly wasn’t stirring, she was trying to protect her friend and felt it was unfair if she knew and her friend didn’t. I think she downplayed it in what she told her so as not to hurt her further (sorry).

The thing is none of us can say for sure what is happening (if anything!), but this can eat you up inside so you need to talk to him and actually feel listened to, not brushed aside or ‘mad’ or ‘jealous’.

Hope it works out for you x

happysnappysandwich · 21/04/2018 22:12

I would be sad about this too OP. But the thing is, you can't be everything. You can't be wife/partner and mother of child whilst holding down a job and then also be the attractive girl in the office who makes him stare that little bit too long. You just can't.
So you have to have faith in your relationship and have an honest conversation about why it upsets you, so he understands. Then maybe make some time for just the two of you, I really can't overstate the importance of spending quality time together as a couple.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 22:13

Koc, not sure where you got 16 years from. We've been together 5 years and I'm 30. My friend shouldn't need to remind him of me, he knows I exist and I am solely his responsibility. Thanks for the positive thoughts though

OP posts:
GrannyGrissle · 21/04/2018 22:13

Flowers OP. This sort of shit really punches you in the gut.

Motoko · 21/04/2018 22:16

The not mentioning her whatsoever thing is the biggest tell to me.

I agree. Surely he talks about other people in the office, so it would seem that he's not mentioning her because he's wary of mentionitis, so he thinks that if he doesn't talk about her at all, you'll forget she exists, and he won't have to feel guilty.

It probably hasn't gone anywhere, but the worry is there that it's only because she knows he has a partner, so isn't interested.

I'm not sure what to make of his response tonight. It could just be that he's embarrassed his crush has been caught out. Or, it could be that his feelings for her are deeper than just a crush, and now he's feeling guilty at having been called out on it.

PinotMwah · 21/04/2018 22:16

OP you may well be right that he's not having an affair and won't do. Clearly you know him better than I do. And I do get that its upsetting to realise your partner has had his head turned even if he's not going to act on it.

Again though, and with great sympathy for you: I do think it must be pretty noticeable to have got to the point where your friend feels the need to bring it up with you.

I've been in countless situations where I've observed people in committed relationships having mild, harmless flirtation with other people and never felt the need to relate this back to the partner. There's just no conceivable upside for doing so for anyone and in the best case scenario you are creating a world of grief for yourself being doing it.

For your friend to have got to the point where she feels the need to talk to you about this and assuming she is trustworthy and her motives are good it must be fairly evident to her and presumably to their coworkers that there is a strong mutual attraction between them. That suggests that it has crossed a line and even if they are not and have no intention of sleeping with each other, they are behaving in a way which is not consistent with his loyalty to you. By the way her comment about not wanting to be in a relationship is meaningless -- people say things like this all the time and it has no bearing at all on their feelings for individuals. And she would say that to your friend, wouldn't she?

I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm not suggesting you make any rash decisions based on this as there's clearly a lot to work through.

But it does sound to me as if there is more to this than your friend is letting on.

PugwallsSummer · 21/04/2018 22:17

I agree with PinotMwah. I initially thought your friend was just being a stirrer, but if she is as genuine and lovely as you say, I think she might be trying to tell you that you have something to worry about. Not necessarily cheating at this stage but something that she could predict leading to it. Especially as it seems that the attraction is mutual.

I think you were right to raise it with him.

Kocerhan3 · 21/04/2018 22:18

Must've misread, is a long thread!! :) my bad.

Still is a significant amount of time. I feel a lot of posts on here are analysing it all a bit much is all. And you sound threatened by her and worried about some eye contact. Which is sad. Hence why I think you should focus on you. @happysnappysandwich had similar opinion of the fact you can't be all roles, but you're the most important and he'll recognise that. And if he doesn't then he's a fool :) wishing you the best outcome irregardless x

Storm4star · 21/04/2018 22:20

I agree, at worst it’s a silly crush. And my guess would be he feels embarrassment that you “caught” him looking. Honestly I think workplace crushes (with no intent on acting on them) are pretty common. For a lot of people the work place is a pretty boring place to be and bored peoples minds can wander but doesn’t mean they’d ever act on it. You’ve told him how you feel, he knows that now and hopefully that’s the end of it. I would say no more at this point and you can trust you have a good friend that would tell you if things progressed in any way.

I don’t think it’s even a case of him having to stop himself because temptation will always be there, in any relationship. Stopping ourselves is about loving and respecting our partners and valuing what we have, that’s not a bad thing. If that makes sense?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/04/2018 22:24

Is he cagey with his phone?

Ryder63 · 21/04/2018 22:24

Well, he's aware that YOU are aware OP, and this may nip in the bud any fantasies he has about this attractive colleague....although his going straight upstairs after the questioning is odd. Could he be in messaging contact with her?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 22:24

It does make sense, thanks and to other pps too. With the stopping himself, I meant he shouldn't have to stop himself looking at her if it's harmless. The fact he does it bothering me

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 22:25

No, he went to our child shouting.

Not cagey with his phone that I've noticed

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 21/04/2018 22:25

Cross post, whats!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/04/2018 22:28

But he does need reminding about you doesn't he? Lots of people, even people who really love their partners, get crushes and get carried away and damage their relationship and afterwards really profoundly regret it. It can be a kind of madness.

I'd rather give my husband a warning word than have him do something stupid that there's no going back from and mess up our family.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/04/2018 22:31

I reckon he reacted the way he did to you questioning him because he feels a bit embarrassed at being caught. I’d feel the same too but I’d handle it better I reckon. Some people are more sulky than others though. I wouldn’t read anything into his reaction though.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 22:32

All he knows is that I saw him watching her, not anything that our friend saw or said

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 21/04/2018 22:36

I would hate to be in your partner's position, having a so called friend reporting back to my partner - too much Das Leben der Anderen for me. I think you should focus on your couple / family relationships. Considering you have a child and a home together, maybe time to consider getting married.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 22:46

He'd have to ask me first!

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/04/2018 22:49

Why?

Delatron · 21/04/2018 22:52

Look you are not overreacting and it's worrying that it is a mutual attraction.

Your friend sounds lovely and she wouldn't have mentioned it if she wasn't concerned.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 22:55

Was the why regarding he'd have to ask me first?

OP posts:
SamandDean · 21/04/2018 22:56

Sorry OP. I’d be upset too if I thought my DH was interested in someone else. I understand how you’re feeling. At the moment though, you don’t actually know anything and so far it doesn’t seem he’s done anything. I’m in two minds here as I would normally say don’t think the worst as you have no proof and you admit you don’t think he’s cheating. On the other hand, I have a friend of over 15 years who works with my DH and if she were ever to tell me something like this, I know she would have good reason. She wouldn’t be stirring and would only say something if she was very sure I had something to worry about. I think you need to sit down with him and have a proper talk and take it from there.

happypoobum · 21/04/2018 22:58

I think his reaction is off, sorry.

If he didn't have a crush on her, he would have laughed and reassured you surely? I can understand how hurt you are. I think you need some really hard honesty here but that has to go both ways. Flowers

SandyY2K · 21/04/2018 23:08

Why does he have to talk about this colleague with you? Are you saying he mentions everyone else and not her? If he did mention her, he'd be accused of mentionotis.

I don't talk about any of my colleagues by name with my DH, but it depends on your normal.

Finding her attractive doesn't actually mean he fancies her either. There are a few good looking men where I work... they are objectively attractive...but I don't fancy them...even though I may glance at them.

Having feelings is one thing, acting on them is another.