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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/04/2018 20:18

Whatsgoingoneh...why would I do that?
It was a joke, really. But if this woman were to leave, it'd be a relief surely?

TipTopTat · 21/04/2018 20:21

I have read what you've written. And you're being a totally bloody wally.

Bambamber · 21/04/2018 20:21

It is hurtful but I don't think it's necessarily anything to worry about. If it's only subtle, he may just find her attractive and enjoy her company, but that doesn't mean he will run off the first chance he gets. I obviously don't know either way but sometimes people are attracted to others and that in itself isn't a problem although of course it doesn't feel nice

Sit down and have a chat with him about it otherwise it will keep eating away at you

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:21

Not really, but I appreciate your sentiment lol

I don't think he's looking to leave me in general, I'm just sad he's looking at all

And for anyone who thinks it's controlling or whatever, I'm aware people notice attractive people. I'm sad my partner seems to have noticed someone in particular

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 21/04/2018 20:21

Sandy i have never experienced anything like this so you didnt strike a sour chord with me at all.

Most women are stuck with the majority of the childcare and after that are too bloody tired Thats why i was asking the OP how much time she gets to herself.

And does he make her feel special.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:21

Thanks, tiptoptat. Super helpful

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 21/04/2018 20:25

Are you certain your friend isn’t trying to hint to you that he has a crush on this other woman that may or may not be reciprocated ? I just can’t see why your mutual friend would be telling you otherwise, as it is a painful thing to hear. Is she trying to warn you ? I would talk to your dp about this , or if you think he won’t be honest, then ask your mutual friend , if you trust her too. There’s something rather dubious about telling a friend about a “lovely, stylish, hilarious” woman and then also telling that friend that her partner has been giving that woman the glad eye. I don’t understand why she has told you this stuff, unless she’s secretly jealous of you, or is trying to be kind and warn you. I suppose she could be incredibly thoughtless and tactless ?

onlyanothernamechange · 21/04/2018 20:25

As poster up thread said, there's a big line between fancying a colleague and acting on it. I would say most people have found a colleague attractive at some point. The vast majority won't act on it as they have too much to lose - professionally and at home.

Also, even though and if he fancies her, she might not be interested.

I would really only be concerned if his behaviour changes - hiding phone, suddenly working late. If you have a mutual friend working there I would say he would be even more stupid to try anything at work.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:25

Helena, I go to yoga and he plays an instrument so we both have separate hobbies too. He finishes work at 4 so has our child for an hour or two before I'm home

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:27

SirVix, yes she was absolutely giving me a heads up as she hasn't seen him do that before either

OP posts:
lovetoomuchfood · 21/04/2018 20:28

It would make me really sad too tbh, make sure you talk to him about it :-)

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:29

Onlyanothernamechange, that's what makes it stranger. We have an out of work friend there too. Theydont all work directly together (think art director, gallery space type situation) so...it would be incredibly stupid. But people are inherently stupid

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 21/04/2018 20:30

It’s complicated though isn’t it. I have an extremely glamorous friend, I’ve known her for years and years and we meet up maybe every 2 or 3 months for the afternoon, sometimes we meet with our DHs too. I know my DH thinks she’s very physically attractive, she is very fit, has her nails done etc, whereas I have 2 children and an interesting busy job and don’t have much time to myself. I said to DH once (after he’d spent quite a lot of time one evening looking at her Hmm) that she sometimes makes me feel inadequate and he said he was just thinking that evening it was odd how someone can be so attractive but obviously does very little else and was quite boring and moaned a lot.
So fingers crossed it’s not as bad as you fear Flowers

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/04/2018 20:33

I think the worst but in all this is that you've had a tiny bit of information. You saw a lingering look, then your friend mentioned a lingering look. That's really the entire scope of it. But if your imagination is anything like mine, your brain is now busy scurrying around inventing details and creating a glittering castle of what is, in reality, made-up shite.

Facts would help. At least you have a friend there to keep an eye on it.

LanaorAna2 · 21/04/2018 20:34

Fancying other people when attached, even married, is normal. Separate hobbies are really healthy. You're not under any threat unless he does something about it, which he hasn't yet and shows no signs of doing so, so relax. It happens.

MorningsEleven · 21/04/2018 20:34

Your friend is a total shit stirrer and you're paranoid.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:35

Mutual friend said she was genuinely funny/kind etc so a step up from your friend in your dhs eyes lol but thank you

I broke and text friend. When she said it I didn't react much so I don't think she realised it was playing on my mind. I asked how many times she'd seen the eye lock...awaiting a response

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/04/2018 20:36

That's nasty Tip. OP is perfectly normal in feeling sad that her dp is eyeing up another woman, especially to the extent that a friend has noticed and made a point of letting her know. Sure, everyone notices others, but if you are in a relationship you owe it to your partner to be very discreet.

Nothing wrong with objecting to porn either, given that many participants are coerced, either physically or through circumstance and it is very hard to be sure you are consuming 'ethical' porn!

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:36

Morningseleven, your kindness and humanity really shone through there, thanks

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 21/04/2018 20:37

Op has known her friend for ten years If friend is jealous of her then why wait a whole decade to pull a stunt like this.

Perturbed your post reads to me like your DH might have been a bit worried he was going to have a do a bit more so you could have time to go to a salon.

Dozer · 21/04/2018 20:37

You could tell him you think it’s odd the never mentions her, and you saw him looking at her on their night out, that you think he fancies her and - although recognising it’s natural to find other people attractive - sad about it.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:39

Dozer they didn't go on a night out, they were just at work.

OP posts:
Delatron · 21/04/2018 20:40

Thing is, you can fancy someone without sending longing glances at them.

He's making it obvious and it's disrespectful. Not sure what you can do though!

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 21/04/2018 20:41

Grin maybe HelenaDove though I do get a good haircut/colour anyway. As she’d just spent the whole evening moaning I was fairly convinced he meant it though. She does seem a bit ‘lost’ these days (and i think is struggling with getting older, fortunately she has me to remind her that looks aren’t everything Wink)

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:43

My friend phoned me back worried she'd worried me

She said it looked weird and that's why she mentioned it. I asked her if she thought I had anything to worry about and she stuttered a no out but said she felt shit saying it but it looked like he was trying to stop himself looking at her. And that's made it a bit worse Sad

OP posts:
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