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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:

ReallyWTF · 28/05/2018 20:32

Sobering indeed.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 28/05/2018 20:47

Will reply properly in a minute but with stuff like this:

'I know this sounds a bit crazy but does your friend have your best intentions at heart? I don't suppose she's interested in your DP and is exaggerating the situation with the OW to cause you to break up ? Stranger things have happened.

Women can be very sneaky, even if it's a long term plan. Does the mutual friend have a DP? How does she know you & DP?'

For the last time - please read the thread. My friend is my friend and that's why she is being....my friend. We have known each other for a decade. She knows me and my DP of 5 years. She's not some evil cunning witch. I apologise for losing my patience but her loyalty being questioned repeatedly when I've stated a hundred times she is my genuine, lovely, protective friend is driving me insane

OP posts:

TomHardyswife · 29/05/2018 08:35

OP I think you are being very unfair to the posters who are just trying to offer a different perspective to your situation.

And with respect, your thread is now over 800 posts long. Some people don't have time to read through the whole of the thread, they just skim read.

I've read each and every post on your thread from when you first posted, but there is no way I would be able to remember the finer details mentioned much earlier.

RainySeptember · 29/05/2018 09:22

To be fair, op, you have rejected every suggestion and piece of advice in favour of letting things play out while obsessing about their every nuanced look on here and with your mutual friend.

People have suggested your friend could be exaggerating for a range of reasons, that you should show your face more often at his place of work, that you could get to know or speak with this woman and so on. And you have, as is your right, been quite scathing of all suggestions in favour of 'wait and see'.

If your mind is absolutely made up to just trust him to do the right thing then I'm surprised you're still getting anything from this thread.

To the objective observer, to many of us who have been through similar, it is like watching a slow car crash because he is already ignoring your feelings and continuing to progress his friendship with this woman, and it is painfully obvious where it is all heading.

I wish I could have had all of this support and advice a few years ago. I would've acted on all of it and maybe stood a chance of holding my family together. Instead I'm miserable and so is he.

RubyTrees · 29/05/2018 12:04

OP, the problem with the wait and see approach is that your DP currently has no incentive whatsoever to distance himself from this woman.

Dozens of previous posters have mentioned that he’s showing no respect for your feelings, yet this doesn’t seem to faze you. He has implicit approval from you to carry on regardless.

Laiste · 29/05/2018 12:58

'Approval to carry on'.

How about 'enough rope to hang himself'? Are they similar things in this situation?

The OP is sure DP understands her one strike and you're out rule. The 'strike' for OP is physical contact. He hasn't crossed that line [yet].

He's sailing close to the wind and OP's secretly watching. I agree it's is a bit like watching a car crash in slo mo :(

RubyTrees · 29/05/2018 13:31

He hasn't crossed that line [yet].

He hasn’t been found out yet.

(The friend can’t be expected to monitor his movements every minute of the working day.)

WhatsGoingOnEh · 29/05/2018 13:46

This is a strange thread.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2018 14:07

I think so too, WhatsGoingOnEh, I posted further up the thread but it's become very apparent that OP doesn't want anything questioned, isn't going to delve but is quite prepared to speculate and have other people do so - and will consider second-hand information. However great her friend is, that's an enormous burden for that friend; her friend's relationship hangs on what she tells her.

Butt I don't know whether this thread is helping you, it's monstrously long and - to me - supportive - but to you, it's become something almost adversarial as if you have to defend your friend and your partner - and continue to champion this woman. It's actually very distracting and I'm not surprised that posters are questioning your responses. How is any of this helping you? It's tremendous hard to support somebody who just comes back with 'no action' as a default. This is about your partner - forget your friend, forget the lady at work - this is about HIM. You supposedly know him so, to be blunt - shit or get off the pot?

You're almost like a gun - primed but with the safety catch firmly rusted into 'on' position and nobody knows if there are any bullets anyway; they may even be blanks.

This inaction would drive me mad but I'm not you. The thread will eventually hit 1000 posts and drop off the page. I hope you find a way through whilst you still have a semblance of control of what happens next. It's all very sad; at least I think it is?

ReallyWTF · 29/05/2018 15:54

OP, why hasn't your mutual friend spoken to your partner about his behaviour? You say she is worried, so why hasn't she at least had a word with him, in an effort to prevent him making a mistake that will affect him and his child for the rest of his life? A true friend would do that.

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 29/05/2018 16:27

Like I've said - and never scathingly - I appreciate all support and use it as a sounding board and outlet. If you are frustrated etc, there's no need to post

I have taken on board suggestions and they have made me think

I'm defensive of my friend because I know her and her motives. Like anyone who are friends

OP posts:

Cuppaoftea · 29/05/2018 16:50

If the only red line for you is a physical affair then I think you should stop asking your friend for any more information. That isn't something she would find out about and she's putting her career on the line.

Marriage, more children, at 30 you have time to meet someone else who wants those things with you if they are important to you butt. Don't waste these next few years on him when he isn't fully committed and you feel he's just settling for what you have together.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/05/2018 17:26

Butt, it's not frustration. This isn't affecting anybody here but you. You started this thread wanting something, I'm not sure what exactly, but you've had very supportive posts.

You keep posting back. Nothing's changed, so why posting back? You seem resigned to it all, waiting for the inevitable. Your OP was very sad, that's why posters responded, they were angry for you, not with you but for you. This man isn't unaware of what he's doing, he's having a lovely time of it. A partner who is 'happy' to be put 'on hold' whilst he has his romantic dalliance and see where that takes him.

He walked into a pillar because he was watching her... he's fully aware of what he's doing and, in my opinion, when he's ready, he will leave you. Whether he goes to her or not (perhaps she doesn't want him?), he doesn't want you because everything he's doing isn't reassuring you, is it? He should be doing that. You've told him how you feel and he isn't doing it.

When he has a physical affair and you have proof of that, it will be too late. I hope he does it quickly so that you do have time for children with somebody else if that's what you want.

I've got no wish at all to upset you. You owe nobody an update either; it's your life. My advice to you is to make sure that you have everything in place for if/when this does fall to pieces. That's what I'd tell my best friend too.

Lazypoolday · 29/05/2018 17:52

I would wager that they are in pretty frequent, if not constant, email or text contact during the day. That's how these things go. He's lying to you already about her, he will start to check out, then he will leave you. You need to be getting angry at him, not posters on here.

ReallyWTF · 29/05/2018 18:46

he's fully aware of what he's doing and, in my opinion, when he's ready, he will leave you. Whether he goes to her or not (perhaps she doesn't want him?), he doesn't want you because everything he's doing isn't reassuring you, is it? He should be doing that. You've told him how you feel and he isn't doing it.

And this is why I also said earlier that I think he's going to leave you OP :(

Original poster

Buttmonkey86 · 29/05/2018 21:21

Thank you for all those who were supportive x

OP posts:

Luisa27 · 29/05/2018 21:45

Don’t feel pressured to leave the thread Butt - we all work through things differently. If it helps you to reflect here then that’s the main objective surely?
Big hug x

MrsHobbs · 29/05/2018 21:47

I have read through the whole post. Horrible situation to be in OP- I hope you’re okay . I think you have the patience of a saint and are reacting very calmly and maturely to the whole thing.

wolfinfoxesclothing · 29/05/2018 21:49

You know your lovely friends motives.

Surely your DP is lovely too?

How well do you know anyone really?

Can't you check his phone if you are after proof?

Is a physical cheat a kiss or is that ok? Is the line sleeping together ?

SandyY2K · 30/05/2018 00:25

So...just catching up. He got her a fast tracked interview for a promotion and now he's her second line manager.

I don't believe anything physical will happen in the office area. They may meet for lunch and nobody else has to know they're meeting up.

Some affairs go undetected for years..if they hide it well enough. They never text unless the attached person instigates it and every chat is deleted. I know a guy who does this and it's been 3 years now. Except they're both married.

I may have said it earlier...but I would just keep busy...invest time in yourself...do things for yourself....socialise and live your life... and always know your worth.

Laiste · 30/05/2018 18:52

Don't feel pushed away from your own thread butt! Plenty of us are fine with sharing thoughts with you. It's always been clear this place is a sounding board for you.

Not every problem has a dynamic short term solution.

TomHardyswife · 30/05/2018 19:48

What have I missed? Has the OP said she's not coming back?

Laiste · 30/05/2018 20:09

Thank you for all those who were supportive

Sounded a bit past tense tom.
:(

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2018 20:51

Laiste please stop, nobody is pushing Butt away from her thread. There's no hive mind here though and we don't all have the same opinions and views as to what is going on. Nothing wrong with that; it's a very long thread.

I'm sure Butt will post back if she wants to and I'm also sure she doesn't need prompting or persuading. It's starting to sound a bit like pushing for updates.

Laiste · 30/05/2018 21:06

Stop what?

I posted a couple of sentences (same as Luisa) to say hope OP isn't feeling discouraged from her thread. My post to tom was answering her question.

You however have posted 2 long posts this afternoon basically questioning the point of the thread!

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