Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
Adayindisney67 · 21/04/2018 20:46

Buttmonkey..
Just because the thread is full of people that are cool with it, doesn't mean you have to be. Honestly everyone is different and what is normal for one relationship isn't for another. Its upsetting you and that's not okay.
One wife may say "I'm cool with it", and another may say "I hate it."
You are you, and you do not like it. So you MUST tell him you have noticed, and how its making you feel.

My son had an insanely hot teacher that I'm sure other mums noticed (I know they noticed he regularly got harassed at school events). My partner felt uncomfortable about it because YES I noticed.. He noticed I noticed. So I just made more of a fuss of him and put his mind at ease.

It's not rocket science. Tell your partner you aren't comfortable with the glances, eye fucking hopefully he will take it on board and you can both move forward.

Adayindisney67 · 21/04/2018 20:47

P.s your mate has your back, PP obviously don't have people that will make sure they aren't shit on! Good for her!

SilverySurfer · 21/04/2018 20:48

SandysMam
I would be sad OP, and a bit jealous. Totally natural but you can’t punish him for looking or stop her being who she is. Instead, use it to spur yourself on to make yourself turn his head again. There is a massive emphasis on MN about not having to compete etc but only you can honestly say if you have let yourself go and if so, maybe up your game a bit. I will probably get flamed for that but every “active” marriage has to have an element of attraction, no matter how long you have been together or what you have been through.

No idea from which century you have been transported but this is the 21st Century where we expect men to take responsibility for their behaviour and we do not expect women to 'up their game' or in modern day parlance do the pick me dance.

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP, maybe it's time to have 'words'. I wish you the very best.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 21/04/2018 20:48

Get a new hair cut, a red dress, manicure, pedicure and make yourself feel beautiful, full, awake. Get your gleam back. Having kids is awfully hard, most couples get bogged down by the wheatabix and baby talk. .. get fresh ;) This is completely positive that you feel riled by this, it means you want your man. Most marrieds I know are like old jumpers... and not that happy...

It's nice to fancy someone a bit at work. Makes it a bit more exciting. Kind of like school....

HelenaDove · 21/04/2018 20:50

Actually Silvery reading that post again its obvious that Sandy tried to backtrack.

HelenaDove · 21/04/2018 20:51

Oh Christ another one!!!! Mountains and to do all that the DH will have to do more childcare Is he up for that.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:51

Sorry I pressed post too sound. Friend also said she asked the woman about my partner when they went out for drinks. She mentioned various men at work and asked if she found him attractive and the woman said she did and if he was single she'd go out with him if he asked. She said she said it casually but genuinely so believed her. I think that's bummed me out a bit more for some reason

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 21/04/2018 20:52

Oh op how upsetting. I do agree with pps that being attracted to other people is normal, but you and your friend are obviously picking up on something. I think you need a heart to heart with your partner. I can also say that I’ve known friends in long term relationships have whopping great crushes and work through why etc, and stay happily with their partners. I think a crush is usually to do with something in the person with the crush, maybe feeling older or less attractive, or just a bit fed up with life in general. None of my friends had partners who they had stopped loving or who they were unhappy with, it was more normal attraction, combined with internal personal stuff.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 21/04/2018 20:57

i always have the mantra, you can window shop just don’t touch. I always look at hot guys and I wouldn’t be offended if my bf looked at other women It’s natural to admire beauty. I think maybe your friend has planted something in your head and now it’s made you overthink. If he hasn’t mentioned her maybe you bring her up ‘ so hows it working out with the new women you hired’ or something along them lines and try gauge his reaction. Honestly I think your slightly paranoid.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 20:58

I think that's where my noticing the noticing comes from, Sir. We've been together 5 years, house, child and he's stressed in his job. I don't want her to be a shiny new attraction

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 21/04/2018 20:59

Has this situation being going on for a while? There was a similar one not long ago which was similar although not sure if that was you? Anyway it’s horrible to feel so awful. Your ‘friend’ isn’t really helping you talking about eye contact and the woman walking away. What is she hoping to achieve?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:01

As I and others have said, to give me a heads up as it's unusual behaviour for him.

With regards to going on a while, I only saw my friend today so first I've heard of it from someone else was today

OP posts:
2cats2many · 21/04/2018 21:03

Everyone has work crushes. It's totally normal. The difficulty here is that you've witnessed it so now you're 'involved'.

In your shoes I would have a talk with him. Tell him that you know he's done absolutely nothing wrong but you can't help feeling jealous. If he's the man you think he is, he'll bend over backwards to reassure you and tell you how much he still fancies you.

If he gets defensive or angry, well, that might be another thread.

ReginaPhalange2 · 21/04/2018 21:04

Sorry but why would your friend ask her that?? How bloody ridiculous.

How do you know she’s not going back to the lady and saying things about your relationship to her? I find it incredibly unnerving and odd that she would ask this woman if she found your oh attractive.

If it were any of my friends I know they would be sat there laying it on thick about how amazing I was and what a good couple me and my OH were, oh and their baby is sooo cute!

Please be careful with your “friend” x

SirVixofVixHall · 21/04/2018 21:05

I just wanted you to know that a crush at some point in a long relationship is not all that unusual, and doesn’t in itself mean that things are terrible between you.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:08

Regina, because honesty works better. She's this woman's friend too so asked her as she saw what she saw. The woman knows I exist as per her reply. Whether she talked me up as an amazing person or a crappy person shouldn't matter, rather my partners actions do

OP posts:
DarkPeakScouter · 21/04/2018 21:10

Do you own your house together?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:13

We do

OP posts:
Blanikbalm · 21/04/2018 21:21

I'd apologise to the beautiful woman if I were you. Your OH sounds like a creeper.

FloralMist · 21/04/2018 21:22

I'd talk to your Dh.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:23

Why would I apologise?! I haven't done anything to her Hmm

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 21/04/2018 21:26

Buttmonkey, you sound so lovely. Would you be able to ask him without breaking your friends confidence?

Be careful that this doesn’t eat you up. I’ve been there and became slightly obsessed by the colleague. I thought if I could be like her he might find me more attractive Sad

Littlechocola · 21/04/2018 21:26

Why does op need to apologise?!

yourveryworstnightmare · 21/04/2018 21:29

You can't help who you're attracted to, OP. As many have said, it is natural to have a silly crush as long as he doesnt act on it. I work with mostly men and one day they hired a marketing woman, a very attractive blonde with a great body. Even I couldn't stop admiring her, and many married men are like salivating puppies trying to vie for her attention. Oddly enough, except the hot ones! It makes me think maybe the insecure ones who dont get much attention normally whose heads are more easily turned. I'd talk to your DH and tell him how I feel if I were you.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:34

Thanks, Little. I'm sorry you went through that

I took a few of pps and just brought her up with him. We're just watching TV so mentioned mutual friend going for drinks with woman and he made a non committal noise. So I asked if he had much to do with her and the response was not really. He's recently been moved desk placement wise to sit nearer her so sees her more now. I asked what he thought of her, he asked me wtf all these questions are coming from and he was trying to watch TV. He went a tiny bit stuttery and a bit red though Sad

OP posts: