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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for this to make me sad that he's had his head turned?

888 replies

Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 19:28

I think or rather hope I'm being a bit silly. I don't want to bring it up with real life people.

My partner works in a creative environment for a large company. About six months ago he was part responsible for the hiring of a new woman.

I don't think for a second he would ever do anything about this, but he's never mentioned her since. Ever. He talks about some work people but not her. We have a mutual friend who has befriended this woman and says she's lovely, has fabulous style (important there) and is hilarious. She has also mentioned she's seen my partner looking at her a lot and trying to make her laugh. She said she's seen them have a couple of eye contact moments but the woman usually walks away quickly.

I've seen her once in person and she's very pretty. I didn't like the way I saw my partner watching her though, like he couldn't help himself. He didn't know I'd arrived to collect him early and I saw this through the windows.

AIBU to feel sad about this? Like I said, I don't think he'd do anything about her...I just feel down that he's had his head turned. In the five years we've been together this hasn't happened before

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 21/04/2018 21:36

silly crushes are completely normal. what matters is that he doesn't act on it, and he'll get over it. it's not nice for you, but seriously have you never looked at another man and on a small, completely secret level thought 'phoooaar!'

Storm4star · 21/04/2018 21:37

I agree with others here and say talk to your OH if you can without mentioning your friend. You actually sound like a nice person and not sure why some on here are giving you a hard time. People can disagree with me if they like but I think sometimes these things do need to be “nipped in the bud” so to speak and I think talking it through is the way to go.

PinotMwah · 21/04/2018 21:39

The fact that someone is very physically attractive in a textbook way does not automatically mean that everyone will fancy them. Stunningly beautiful people do often turn a lot of heads because they are just beautiful to look at and obviously heterosexual men will tend to appreciate them -- its an almost Pavlovian thing. It doesn't necessarily mean he actively fancies her.

I would be guided by what you think your friend's motives are on this. If you genuinely really trust her and trust her judgement it may be that she's trying to give you a warning or, worse, say to you in a soft way that she thinks that they are having an emotional or physical affair, or on the brink of one.

On the other hand I think quite a lot of women just sort of assume that all men fancy all women who are very beautiful and it's possible that she's put two and two together to make five. Whatever you say about her I find it odd that she's told you this about your partner.

If I were you I would gently probe your friend on this a bit. You should be able to figure out fairly quickly whether she's sounding a warning or if she's just being a bit of a gossip.

I

Storm4star · 21/04/2018 21:41

Sorry, my response appears to have overlapped yours and I see you’ve mentioned it. I’m sorry your having to deal with this. Have been in your shoes and it isn’t nice. All i can say is, you have a life and a child with this man and that counts for a lot and only a total dick would throw that away for an office crush (if it even is that) so try not to let it get you down.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:42

I really wish people would read - my friend is a genuine, lovely person I've known for the best part of a decade. Not a gossip or a stirrer etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:43

Thanks Storm. What do you make of his response?

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PinotMwah · 21/04/2018 21:45

Sorry, cross posted you've already raised with him. Hard to judge from his reaction whether he has something to hide or if he just dislikes being quizzed I think even if it hasn't crossed his mind he's bound to be defensive. I still think your friend and judgement/motives are the key to this though. Is she trying to tell you something or is she just making assumptions?

mummyoftvef · 21/04/2018 21:45

@onlyanothernamechange my dp had an EA 2 and a half years ago and he works with his dad, brother and bil didn't stop him and they all knew wat was going on, non of them told me either, he did in the end after he spoke to his sister about it I was 7 months pregnant at the time.
I would say talk to ur dp and let him no how you feel, it will only make you wonder otherwise.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:48

I was an idiot and blurted. I said I'd seen him looking at her and what I saw and he's gone upstairs and told me I was being daft

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Puffycat · 21/04/2018 21:49

Stop being sad and start getting tough!
He clearly fancies her and there’s a shit load of flirting going on which is unacceptable!
It’s making you feel crap and he’s being a total twat!
Let him know you are not a fucking idiot, you know what’s going on and he better pack it in right now cos other people have noticed and you are not prepared to look like a fucking fool and he better start treating you with respect and taking you out for fucking dinner!

PinotMwah · 21/04/2018 21:50

I don't mean to suggest she's being a stirrer.

But it is odd that she volunteered this to you as it was bound to upset you and sow doubts in your head about your relationship. Without wanting to freak you out further, I would only do this if I was trying to sound the alarm -- there's just no way I would idly speculate with a friend that her partner may have a crush on a colleague. If you really trust your friend, I can't think of any other constructive reason for doing so than telling you he's up to no good.

So I think you need to ask her why she's told you this.

SandyY2K · 21/04/2018 21:52

I'll second what some others have said. I don't think your friend should have mentioned anything...least not to you. She could have causally mentioned something to your DP...
She could mention in passing to this lady that you're a good friend of hers.

I really don't see the benefit in her asking the woman if she found your DP attractive. If men asked about attraction of female colleagues...they'd be called leery or sexist pigs on MN.
I know you think she was concerned...but I don't see her as being helpful.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:53

I did answer that when it was asked earlier in the thread - she told me to give me a heads up on what we both know as unusual behaviour from my partner. I don't think it's strange she said it as we've known her a long time

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LeighaJ · 21/04/2018 21:53

The not mentioning her whatsoever thing is the biggest tell to me. I don't blame you for being sad especially after the look you accidentally observed.

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:54

Puffycat, I think that's a bit extreme. I'm not catastrophising and all I know of is looks between them, not flirting like mad etc

I'm sad and it's not great but I don't think an ultimatum and looking nuts is the way forward

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stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/04/2018 21:55

Well I have had crushes come . And go
And never acted on them

Notwithstanding hurtful as hell

Puffycat · 21/04/2018 21:55

Oh come on ladies! Really?

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 21:56

Sandy, she told me as she's my friend and looking out for me. She asked woman if she found him attractive based on what she witnessed. I don't understand why you think it's strange. She didn't ask her in the middle of a work project, she asked her casually while having drinks

OP posts:
PinotMwah · 21/04/2018 21:57

OK. Again, sorry, but for her to have got to the point of giving you a heads-up she is probably significantly underplaying what's happening. You don't go to a friend and open a can of worms like this if its a few harmless glances at someone across an office.

You're clearly not going to get much out of him for now. Maybe its time to push your friend more explicitly on whether there's more to this than she has told you so far.

Puffycat · 21/04/2018 21:58

Buttmonkey86
I’m sorry you think I’m being extreme and I’m really sorry you’ve got to deal with this.
I just don’t think you should put up with a situation that makes you unhappy.
Good luck x

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 22:00

Thank you, Puffy

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Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 22:03

Pinot, my gut is still telling me he's not cheating on me. And my friend assures me woman isn't even wanting a relationship at the moment let alone the drama of an affair.

It just makes me sad that if he's attracted to her and she's attracted to him then he needs/is stopping himself acting on it because of us...I don't want him to even have to stop himself... If that makes any sense

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/04/2018 22:05

I think you should say to him, "Love I understand you have a crush on this woman, it makes me sad but we are human, it happens. But we have a really good thing going on here, and a child who deserves to grow up with two parents. So please don't do anything stupid and throw away what we have."

Original poster
Buttmonkey86 · 21/04/2018 22:08

I don't have much if I'd need to say that out loud to him :/

OP posts:
Kocerhan3 · 21/04/2018 22:08

Every one finds people attractive, that's normal. It's also normal for you to feel this way that his attention is (even only the smallest most innocent bit) elsewhere. However, have I just wanted to comment and say - have confidence in you! You're the one for him. You've been together over 16 years from what I read, You've a child, a life, a love. He finds you beautiful as a person to be with you this long and this seriously. Hold your head high, you're the cat that got the cream. As I said - yes it's normal to feel sad about him eyeing up someone else, but don't forget you're in this equation and you're the one holding his life down and who he comes home to. Have utter confidence in this. How cute he may or may not have a little crush at work, aw. But at the end of the day, you're the woman by his side and where the real bond, love and ties are!

As for the friend - her intentions may be good but she's definitely gossiping about nothing. Why isn't she clonking him on the back of the head when she sees this? Reminding him of you? If she's as close to both of you as you describe, she'd tell him to keep his eyes forward and focused! :)