Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think catching up on much needed sleep isn’t about having a leisurely lie-in...

214 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 21/04/2018 07:20

Me and my husband have two children, a 4 year old and an 8 month old.

My husband sleeps in the spare room and has done for as long as I can remember because the baby wakes up on average about 3-4 times a night and we bed share as it’s the only way I can get any form of decent sleep.

My husband gets a good 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.

If the 4 year old wakes up for any reason in the middle of the night, which maybe happens twice a week on average, it’s me he comes and wakes up. We have told him that if he needs anything in the night then he is to go into daddy’s room because daddy will help him, but it’s still me he comes in to and wakes.

I would say that on average I get 5 hours of broken sleep a night which when compared to my husband’s uninterrupted 8.5 hours is pretty rubbish but I accept that it’s just the way it is.

When the weekend comes my husband will get up with the children on both Saturday and Sunday mornings at about 6.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours so I can try and get some more sleep.

Yesterday evening I had some friends over and someone who I classed as a good friend started making snide comments about how no doubt I was going to be having the “lie-ins” again this weekend whilst my husband looked after the children and then started laughing at me in a way that inferred she wanted to embarrass me or imply I was lazy. I told her that every night I’m up countless times with the baby whilst my husband sleeps in the spare room and that as I get significantly less sleep and time away from the children in the week than my husband does he is happy for me to have two hours back in bed on the weekend mornings for both of those reasons.

She then rolled her eyes and said “Whatever you say Queen” and gave a smirk at one of our other friends.

She made me feel really crap about myself and the rest of the evening was pretty awkward. I spoke to my husband about it after they’d gone and he told me to just let it wash over me as their opinions on what suits us as a family are really not worth getting upset about.

AIBU to feel so disheartened though. I’m supposed to be seeing her again tomorrow as we’re taking our children to the park and I’m dreading it because now I feel like underneath our friendship she actually thinks quite little of me Sad

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 22/04/2018 11:52

If my friend acted out of character and then explained as she has what she is going through then too right I'd be there for her.

Confused
Charley50 · 22/04/2018 11:56

@flowerslemonade - are you for real? they've been good friends for 20 years.. her friend is incredibly upset and has apologised. People are human.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 11:59

A bit unstable? That's a bit of an over-reaction, no? Her 'friend' has made snide, quite nasty comments, acted like she disbelieved her, and generally behaved quite unpleasantly. She doesn't sound like a very nice person, so no, I wouldn't tolerate that in my life, because I'd rather be around people who didn't behave like that...

You’d throw away a 20 year friendship because someone was nasty (out of character) and then apologised? Wow.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 22/04/2018 15:18

I remember about 5 years ago I said something quite nasty to one of the other friends from our group, it came from a place of upset, jealousy and general sadness about my own life and I just snapped at her. I felt awful afterwards but in that moment the words just came out my mouth and what I said wasn’t nice. The next day I couldn’t apologise enough, I was so upset that I’d spoken to my friend that way but she understood why I had said what I did and she forgave me for my outburst. Like a previous poster said we are all human and we all make mistakes.

It turns out there is another woman involved Sad

OP posts:
Smeddum · 22/04/2018 15:27

Anyone who says they’ve never had a bite at someone close to them is talking shite. Or they’re a saint. Nobody has ever snapped at their husband/partner? Got irritated and told one of the kids to pack it in? No?

JingsMahBucket · 22/04/2018 17:43

It turns out there is another woman involved :(

Oh no. How did you or her find out? I hope it doesn't worsen any more than this.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 22/04/2018 18:01

My husband told me as my friend’s ex told him.

My husband doesn’t know any details of who she is or how long it’s been going on for because he told my friends ex that he didn’t want to know the details. My husband had told him that he didn’t want to get dragged into it because he would feel very uncomfortable knowing about an affair when the person being lied to was his wife’s best friend.

Now I jus my have to decide whether to tell my friend. When I was talking about it hypothetically I thought I would tell her no problems so she would know the truth, but now I actually know the truth I don’t know if I can bring myself to tell her Sad

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 22/04/2018 18:12

Definitely tell her. She deserves to know and your loyalties are with her.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 22/04/2018 18:16

She’s coming over tonight whilst her mother babysits as she said she just needs to get out the house. She sounded so deflated when she rang and asked if she could pop over. I know I have to tell her but it’s going to be so horrible Sad

OP posts:
Smeddum · 22/04/2018 18:18

I’d tell her. That’s not to say I don’t have empathy with you because it’s a horrible position to be in, and her H is a dick for dragging your DH into it. Horrible bastard.

Gently, carefully and with as much kindness as possible I think is the way to go.

It’s really unfair of him to have put you and your DH in this position.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 22/04/2018 18:30

I just know she’s going to blame herself, that’s what she was doing last night. She’s been talking to her partner a lot lately about wanting to get married and last night she kept saying that it’s her ‘nagging’ that has made him want to leave her and find someone else.

I told her that she didn’t even know if there was an OW and she should stop blaming herself for anything that has happened but she cane across as being more angry with herself than being angry at him if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 22/04/2018 18:34

Oh bless her, I’m gutted for her and I don’t even know her! He’s a twat, anyone who cheats is a twat. Just fucking leave if you’re not happy! There’s never a reason to cheat.

tailsiwin · 22/04/2018 18:36

She sounds like a bitch.

Nothing wrong with your set up. We have the same (and our Dd even sleeps through the night now).

Looking after a toddler is more exhausting than many jobs so my OH quite rightly gets up earlier than me.

fc301 · 22/04/2018 18:40

tailsiwin have you rtft by any chance??

tailsiwin · 22/04/2018 18:47

Ha, no, I accidentally didn’t. The app just loaded a whole load of “new” (to me) comments after I posted mine. I was just reading the new ones before I posted again. SORRY TO MAKE YOU SIGH, pp.

tailsiwin · 22/04/2018 18:48

Although there is nothing wrong with her set-up, that is still relevant.

Daifuku9 · 22/04/2018 19:04

I’m glad that the issue between you is resolved and it wasn’t meant. We all make mistakes and she was wrong, yet it came from a place of hurt and comparison in that split second. She genuinely knew she was wrong and was sorry she acted that way toward you.

I feel bad for her as she’s going through a tough time and yes, her close friends should rally around her. Break ups are never easy, and especially considering her situation.

I had a similar situation with an over 20 year friendship, except the friend did not apologize.

fc301 · 22/04/2018 19:08

Tailsiwin I'll let you off 😉
I find I blame technology too!

pineappleposter · 23/04/2018 17:35

@QueenofmyPrinces you're a good friend. She acted awfully but it sounds like she's remorseful, and it's very kind of you to forgive her and support her. We all need women like you in our lives.

pollymere · 23/04/2018 17:48

I think you need new friends.

Happygummibear · 23/04/2018 18:06

I hope you told her about the other woman. I lost alot of friends when my ex was seeing another woman, all the so called friends knew and not one told me. I removed them all from my life. I would have preferred to be told than find out the way I did, it hurt alot more.

We can all say horrid things when it comes from a place of upset or jealousy. The thing is owning what you have done and apologising which your friend has done.

I hope she is ok and has great friends supporting her through this terrible time

Icanttakemuchmore · 23/04/2018 18:09

Cancel the park and ask a decent friend instead! Your family arrangements are nothing to do with this so called friend and your dh is right, ignore her opinion. How dare she, cf! And yes, you deserve a lay in, it's 2 hours for goodness sake, it's hardly all morning! And who cares if it was! You need to recharge your batteries somehow

mum11970 · 23/04/2018 18:11

Fgs rtft.

Icanttakemuchmore · 23/04/2018 18:11

-sorry op nrtwt, still trawling through thread!

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 23/04/2018 18:25

Yes I did tell her about the affair Sad

It was really hard but to be honest I was just confirming what she already knew. She said she felt humiliated and embarrassed by the fact my husband knew that there was an OW and she said she feels ashamed. I told her she was being ridiculous and that she has absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about and that in no way does my husband condone what her Ex has done.

As predicted she then went on to blame herself, repeating again that if she hadn’t talked to him so much about wanting to get married then he would still be around. I told her that nothing excuses what he has done and she must not blame herself. It was really frustrating listening to her because she too busy trying to work out what she had done wrong (in her eyes) when really she needs to realise that he’s the one who has done wrong. I guess it’s a process she’s got to work through though and I can only hope she’ll see things more clearly soon.

Her Ex is going over tonight because he said he wanted to see their children. My friend is hoping that once the children are in bed they can talk about it. She hasn’t told him that she knows about the OW.

My husband is a bit put out that I’ve told my friend because now the Ex will know my husband has been talking to me about it, but heh go. I’ve told my husband that my loyalty is to my friend and that to be honest, her Ex should never have put my husband in such a shitty position in the first place.

OP posts: