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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think catching up on much needed sleep isn’t about having a leisurely lie-in...

214 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 21/04/2018 07:20

Me and my husband have two children, a 4 year old and an 8 month old.

My husband sleeps in the spare room and has done for as long as I can remember because the baby wakes up on average about 3-4 times a night and we bed share as it’s the only way I can get any form of decent sleep.

My husband gets a good 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.

If the 4 year old wakes up for any reason in the middle of the night, which maybe happens twice a week on average, it’s me he comes and wakes up. We have told him that if he needs anything in the night then he is to go into daddy’s room because daddy will help him, but it’s still me he comes in to and wakes.

I would say that on average I get 5 hours of broken sleep a night which when compared to my husband’s uninterrupted 8.5 hours is pretty rubbish but I accept that it’s just the way it is.

When the weekend comes my husband will get up with the children on both Saturday and Sunday mornings at about 6.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours so I can try and get some more sleep.

Yesterday evening I had some friends over and someone who I classed as a good friend started making snide comments about how no doubt I was going to be having the “lie-ins” again this weekend whilst my husband looked after the children and then started laughing at me in a way that inferred she wanted to embarrass me or imply I was lazy. I told her that every night I’m up countless times with the baby whilst my husband sleeps in the spare room and that as I get significantly less sleep and time away from the children in the week than my husband does he is happy for me to have two hours back in bed on the weekend mornings for both of those reasons.

She then rolled her eyes and said “Whatever you say Queen” and gave a smirk at one of our other friends.

She made me feel really crap about myself and the rest of the evening was pretty awkward. I spoke to my husband about it after they’d gone and he told me to just let it wash over me as their opinions on what suits us as a family are really not worth getting upset about.

AIBU to feel so disheartened though. I’m supposed to be seeing her again tomorrow as we’re taking our children to the park and I’m dreading it because now I feel like underneath our friendship she actually thinks quite little of me Sad

OP posts:
Porpoises · 21/04/2018 14:39

I'd forgive her, it's one angry consent borne of jealously during a very upsetting time, after a 20 year friendship. Though if it continues happening then obviously don't put up with it.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/04/2018 14:39

OK, then, the break-up is genuine, but she was still hoping to carry on her nastiness and get away with it (see first text this morning). Sorry Sad

No need to apologise - we had just cross posted Smile

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 21/04/2018 14:48

I'd let it go OP. A 20 year friendship isn't worth throwing away over a snide comment. She's clearly going through a bad time and the remark came from a place of jealousy.

I think it's lovely of your husband to let you sleep in until 8 both weekend mornings. Mine refuses to get up before 9, even when I'm up multiple times in the night (first night feeds and now toddler nightmares!) I'm up at 5am every day, including weekends, as he's shattered from work. I don't begrudge him his lie-ins but it would be bliss to have even one morning a week that I could go back to bed until 8!

In your shoes I'd probably keep quiet about lie-ins, as it's like a red flag to a sleep deprived mum who is up at dawn every day!

shanefolan29 · 21/04/2018 15:06

''Could it have been a genuine wind up and you’ve taken it a bit too seriously? Tiredness does have an effect on the mind!''

exactly, some people are just jokers or we all say things without thinking at times with no malice and they are picked up wrong. I have a close friend who always makes digs at me but it is just banter and it is never overly serious. People are different and you have to know how to take some people-often they do not mean malice and are just kidding. I just laugh it off and never take it to heart as he is a joker. Access the friendship-does this friend always make hostile remarks to you?

If you are so bothered then explain yourself but do not throw away a good friendship here over a few remarks-we all screw up now and again. As my mum says 'do not use an axe to remove a fly from your mate's forehead.'

Charley50 · 21/04/2018 15:13

Your poor friend! Ignore the bitter comments on here OP! So what if it's about her when you guys go round tonight.
She was genuinely sorry and is obviously very upset over her breakup.

Hermagsjesty · 21/04/2018 15:28

I’d definitely forgive her and move on. Her explanation sounds really honest (and understandable). It can’t have been easy for her to say. It sounds like you have a lovely friendship. You’re doing the right thing supporting her.

User11220 · 21/04/2018 17:02

I would definitely give a good friend a break on this. She’s apologised and is clearly having a difficult time. Of course it’s not nice to be lashed out at like that but people who or unhappy or in pain often act like this. Within reason good friends try understand/forgive and support if they can (all to which you seem to be doing by the way Smile)

fabulous01 · 21/04/2018 22:27

She is jealous
And do you know I would say something like gosh I had a really lovely lay in today and after wards my hubby woke me with an erection and we had an hour of sordid fun

But I also jealous as I don’t know what 2 hours of unbroken sleep is never mind 5 but if you were my friend I wouldn’t hold it against you. Every mum has her challenges and it always amazes me how much we don’t support each other

So yes I would rave about my sleep more to her lol

soed · 21/04/2018 22:38

What a bitch. You deserve the catch up rest so bloody well enjoy it!

Iggiattheend · 21/04/2018 23:36

@onestepsideways it's not "lovely" it's just fair. And your dh is being really unfair to you.

cantstopfuckingeating · 21/04/2018 23:52

Tell her to fuck away off!!! Yanbu

OneStepSideways · 22/04/2018 07:25

it's not "lovely" it's just fair

I don't think it's about fairness, as different things work for different couples. Out of all my friends, most take one lie-in each at the weekend, a few never lie in (breastfeeding or unwilling partners) and obviously the single mums or those with partners working away have no choice but to do all the early starts. So I do think lying in until 8am both weekend days is a luxuary rather than a necessity. Mentioning it to someone who can't take any lie-ins probably came across as bragging or rubbing her face in it. The friend was wrong to reach as she did, but it's not hard to understand why.

JingsMahBucket · 22/04/2018 07:55

To all the posters cursing, calling the OP’s friend names, and being angry: RTFT. Or at least OP’s posts. It’s been resolved and there was no harm done. 🙄

jkl0311 · 22/04/2018 08:03

Sorry about the friends relationship, hope your there for her Thanks

StripySocksAndDocs · 22/04/2018 08:20

I imagine she was tectchy about the swooning over your husband (who has never attenptrd to ensure you get unbroken sleep) for allowing you a 'lie in'. It'll be upsetting for her that she's now jealous of a relationship where the right to sleep is unequal.

InspMorse · 22/04/2018 08:41

Just read update.
Let it go but hope she isn't becoming the type who always has a sob story ready to excuse their behaviour when challenged for their crappy behaviour.

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 22/04/2018 08:46

stripy - DS is breast fed so there’s not much my husband can do in terms of helping with the broken sleep.

My friend was in such a mess last night. She has a feeling her partner has been seeing someone behind her back but he denied it when she asked him. She’s pretty sure they his mates house he’s staying at is probably the suspected other woman. She is blaming herself for it, saying she pushed him into it (she obviously didn’t) and she’s just heartbroken.

She has no idea how long he is going to be away for in order to “clear his head” and she has no idea what she’s going to say to her eldest child.

I got back late last night and haven’t had a chance to talk to my husband as the 4 year old is about but I’m going to try and ask him later if my friend’s partner had mentioned anything to him about another woman.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 22/04/2018 09:52

She’s lucky to have you as a friend op!
But please be wary.
When your friends with a couple who split you are in a difficult position.
Ask yourself how is you knowing that her partner has another woman going to help you or her?
Flowers

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 22/04/2018 10:01

Ask yourself how is you knowing that her partner has another woman going to help you or her?

I think it’s because if there is another woman I can tell my friend that.I think that her knowing the truth, as upsetting as it will be to hear, is better than her analysing things over and over again, convinced there’s an OW but being lied to constantly by her partner as he continues to deny it. I do think that it’s better to know the truth because that’s what everyone deserves. I would want to know anyway.

It’s all just so messy because we are all part of the same friendship group. Thankfully my friend hasn’t asked me yet if my husband knew anything/knows anything but I just know that when the initial shock wears off she will.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 22/04/2018 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charley50 · 22/04/2018 11:25

Sorry that was mean.

MarthasGinYard · 22/04/2018 11:28

But slightly true Wink

Op I hope your friend is ok and you obviously knew how out of character it was.

flowerslemonade · 22/04/2018 11:47

I would've told her to get the fuck out, what a rude bitch.

MargaretCavendish · 22/04/2018 11:48

Why is there such a high correlation between people who sound aggressive to the point of being a bit unstable, and people who can't be bothered to read the thread?

flowerslemonade · 22/04/2018 11:51

A bit unstable? That's a bit of an over-reaction, no? Her 'friend' has made snide, quite nasty comments, acted like she disbelieved her, and generally behaved quite unpleasantly. She doesn't sound like a very nice person, so no, I wouldn't tolerate that in my life, because I'd rather be around people who didn't behave like that...