Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think catching up on much needed sleep isn’t about having a leisurely lie-in...

214 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 21/04/2018 07:20

Me and my husband have two children, a 4 year old and an 8 month old.

My husband sleeps in the spare room and has done for as long as I can remember because the baby wakes up on average about 3-4 times a night and we bed share as it’s the only way I can get any form of decent sleep.

My husband gets a good 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.

If the 4 year old wakes up for any reason in the middle of the night, which maybe happens twice a week on average, it’s me he comes and wakes up. We have told him that if he needs anything in the night then he is to go into daddy’s room because daddy will help him, but it’s still me he comes in to and wakes.

I would say that on average I get 5 hours of broken sleep a night which when compared to my husband’s uninterrupted 8.5 hours is pretty rubbish but I accept that it’s just the way it is.

When the weekend comes my husband will get up with the children on both Saturday and Sunday mornings at about 6.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours so I can try and get some more sleep.

Yesterday evening I had some friends over and someone who I classed as a good friend started making snide comments about how no doubt I was going to be having the “lie-ins” again this weekend whilst my husband looked after the children and then started laughing at me in a way that inferred she wanted to embarrass me or imply I was lazy. I told her that every night I’m up countless times with the baby whilst my husband sleeps in the spare room and that as I get significantly less sleep and time away from the children in the week than my husband does he is happy for me to have two hours back in bed on the weekend mornings for both of those reasons.

She then rolled her eyes and said “Whatever you say Queen” and gave a smirk at one of our other friends.

She made me feel really crap about myself and the rest of the evening was pretty awkward. I spoke to my husband about it after they’d gone and he told me to just let it wash over me as their opinions on what suits us as a family are really not worth getting upset about.

AIBU to feel so disheartened though. I’m supposed to be seeing her again tomorrow as we’re taking our children to the park and I’m dreading it because now I feel like underneath our friendship she actually thinks quite little of me Sad

OP posts:
Juells · 21/04/2018 09:40

I would call her every time you have to get up during the night and keep her awake for the duration. It shouldn't worry her as she won't need any extra sleep as she isn't lazy.

Brilliant 🤣

fc301 · 21/04/2018 09:44

The park:
Either A) she is suitably contrite, apologises and demonstrates that she recognised she has hurt your feelings. Fair enough. Strike one.
B) she's too ignorant for A). Distance yourself a bit. Stop sharing personal info.
C) the 'I need to talk to you' is wholly about problems in her life and she could not give a fuck about your feelings. In which case she cares only for herself and is not your friend. Strike 3, begin to distance and ignore. Certainly proceed knowing that this 'friend' does not have your back.

Sparklyshoes16 · 21/04/2018 09:51

I would meet up and see what she has to say...she was definitely rude though and should apologise even if she has got stuff going on!

Be wary of long term friends making you feel like that op I had to drop a friendship of someone two years ago as her snide comments over a ten year friendship wore me down she would do it once in a while but it was to stick in my mind and they were very hurtful...and when another friend of mine I introduced started doing the same and 'wendied' me I finally had the courage to get rid...I hope things are good for you and it's just a blip in your friendship and can be resolved!

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/04/2018 09:53

Well I guess I won’t know what’s going on until I meet her. I’m just getting ready to go now so I will update you when I’m back. Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
Wateroffaduck · 21/04/2018 09:59

My children are older, so at weekends I sleep in till about 9 - 9.30 and I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks about it. I get up at 6 for work and don’t stop till I fall into bed.

If anyone said anything about my lie ins or tried to to be snarky they would told, it doesn’t affect your life so wind your neck in.

Although I was up at 8 this morning as I have lots to do, and I did get up at 5 this morning to let the bloody dog out as he was barking.

Whatevszz · 21/04/2018 10:01

She sounds like an arsehole diva.

jedenfalls · 21/04/2018 10:09

She’d hate me. DH has taken the kids out. I’m still in bed.

And I’m not getting up anytime soon.

sonjadog · 21/04/2018 10:15

I think you are right to give her a chance to explain herself. Update when you are back, please!

Fridasfridgefreezer · 21/04/2018 10:19

Hope it goes well op.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 21/04/2018 10:21

I'd just blank her.

kaytee87 · 21/04/2018 10:22

I hope she apologises op, she wasn't nice to you. I have a 'friend' like this, I now hardly see her as she made constant snide comments.

ittakes2 · 21/04/2018 10:28

So not a great friend - and to do it to you in your own house after you invited her over! Use the park trip tomorrow to tell her how hurt it made you feel and if she gets funny about it - unfort you might need to rethink the friendship.

LannieDuck · 21/04/2018 10:30

FWIW, we have v similar arrangements to you. I do all the overnights, and he does the early mornings.

He definitely had the better deal when the kids were younger (but it made sense because I was breastfeeding). Now they're a bit older, I'm mostly getting a full night's sleep (apart from illnesses / nightmares), and he's still getting up at 6am with them every day.

I offer to give him a break sometimes at weekends, and he just says that he's in a routine now, so he'd probably wake up anyway!

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 21/04/2018 10:34

Good luck op! That text about you still asleep would have given me a rage!

Swissgemma · 21/04/2018 10:36

Do you think that you maybe feel guilty in some way that you don't deserve a lie in or something? Even though rationally you know you do! When DS was a baby and waking every 1.5 hrs to feed (the first 6 months!) I was a zombie and the only way I survived was that every Saturday night I slept alone and DH did the night shift - I could easily have more than 12 hours sleep that night. However, I felt really awkward explaining this at baby groups or with friends... so maybe you took gentle ribbing to heart when really your friend intended friendly banter (eg my friends always mock my 1st world problems and the amount of help I get from DH in a similar way - I am a student and have lots of study weeks away)

mandieleeinatree · 21/04/2018 10:44

Why do women/mothers drop into this habit of saying 'my husband does it for me too.' (As a few posters have said here...) It sounds like it's a favour. NO it's not a favour, the baby is his too, and so WHAT if he works 9-5, five days a week, YOU work 24/7 looking after the kids, and the home.

@Queenofmyprinces

This 'friend' sounds like a nasty cow, and tbh I would be pulling her up on it and would NOT be going out with her today.

She may be a perfectly OK person, who was just pissing about, and may not realise that her 'banter' has upset you, but even so, you need to tell her.

My guess is her husband is useless and she is jealous. If that were true though, she should be having a dig at your husband, not you.

It's like when we had issues with our kids at school (being bullied by others,) or if one of them was jealous for some reason of our kids, (or me and my husband,) and wanted to dish out some spiteful remarks; the vitriol from the mothers was always aimed at me - ALWAYS. Never, ever my husband. Hmm

@MuddyForestWalks

Definitely reply with something like 'wind your fucking neck in, my sleeping patterns are none of your bloody business. I don't fancy meeting up with you when you're bitching at me. Maybe you're tetchy because you need some more sleep yourself? We'll rearrange when you're not being an arse to me.'

Oooooooh, I like THAT one. ^ Smile

MarthasGinYard · 21/04/2018 10:49

'Why do women/mothers drop into this habit of saying 'my husband does it for me too.' (As a few posters have said here...) It sounds like it's a favour. NO it's not a favour, the baby is his too, '

Agree

I always cringe a little at this.

mummmy2017 · 21/04/2018 10:50

Stop being upset and own it...
Gush about it instead...
How your so proud of your DH who in return for getting his sleep during the week replays you with your lie ins at the weekend....
How you love him and how precious he guards his me time with the children at the weekend...

ificouldwritealettertome · 21/04/2018 10:54

Sorry OP. That's so nasty and mean of her. You don't expect it from a friend! If she doesn't realise how much of a spiteful bitch she's being then it's time to re-evaluate the friendship and move on. You just don't need this extra turd amidst the ocean of shit that having kids brings!

StrumpersPlunkett · 21/04/2018 11:03

I really wouldn’t walk away from a 20 year friendship over that comment.
A 20 year friendship should be able to hack some straight talking.
She has upset you. She needs to know it.
You need to get it out there and give the opportunity for her to respond.
Some of my best friends I have known since we started secondary school in 1985. We have had strong words at times and come through the other side.
If she is a good friend it will work out. If she isn’t it will fizzle out and that is ok.
By the way you and your husband sound like you have a lovely way of working with each other. 👍

TheJoyOfSox · 21/04/2018 11:09

She’s no friend. She sounds snide and downright nasty. I’d be putting some distance in between her and me if I was in your shoes.

Ok I understand that not everyone can get their head around the fact that some people do things different to how they do things, you could forgive a friend for being stupid or ignorant. But to eyeroll, laugh and try to undermine your family for the way you choose to cope with your sleep arrangements is beyond rude, it’s sheer bloody nastiness.

AhoyDelBoy · 21/04/2018 11:28

@mandieleeinatree

"Why do women/mothers drop into this habit of saying 'my husband does it for me too.' (As a few posters have said here...) It sounds like it's a favour. NO it's not a favour, the baby is his too"

This is so true and you've put it so well. I have a 7 mo DD and like the OP my DP will get up with her in the mornings (sometimes) while I snooze on for an hour or two. However, I always feel guilty doing this and can never normally sleep properly anyway (as I can hear her squealing away) even though I'm exhausted. Sorry I know it's not my thread but you sound like you know what you're talking about. Any suggestions around this? I feel maybe I'm one of these with the ingrained view of its my job etc etc as that is very much how I was raised but not my actual thoughts if you get what I mean?

mandieleeinatree · 21/04/2018 11:31

Thanks ahoy Smile

Women do that though don't they?

'My hubby is babysitting the kids while I go out for a few hours with my mates' some women will say. NOOOO!! You don't babysit your OWN KIDS GRRRRRRR!!! Angry

mandieleeinatree · 21/04/2018 11:34

I don't know what to suggest though @ahoy, as we women (sometimes) do tend to feel guilty and bad about things we shouldn't feel guilty and bad about!

I guess only you, yourself can tell yourself that your husband/partner is a parent to the kids too, and that he SHOULD be looking after them sometimes, and SHOULD be getting up to them sometimes, so you can sleep. So hard to not feel guilty isn't it? Sad

Does he make you feel like it's your 'job?'

Woshambo · 21/04/2018 12:03

@notacooldad happiness Hoover's! I'm stealing that