To think catching up on much needed sleep isn’t about having a leisurely lie-in...

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Me and my husband have two children, a 4 year old and an 8 month old.

My husband sleeps in the spare room and has done for as long as I can remember because the baby wakes up on average about 3-4 times a night and we bed share as it’s the only way I can get any form of decent sleep.

My husband gets a good 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.

If the 4 year old wakes up for any reason in the middle of the night, which maybe happens twice a week on average, it’s me he comes and wakes up. We have told him that if he needs anything in the night then he is to go into daddy’s room because daddy will help him, but it’s still me he comes in to and wakes.

I would say that on average I get 5 hours of broken sleep a night which when compared to my husband’s uninterrupted 8.5 hours is pretty rubbish but I accept that it’s just the way it is.

When the weekend comes my husband will get up with the children on both Saturday and Sunday mornings at about 6.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours so I can try and get some more sleep.

Yesterday evening I had some friends over and someone who I classed as a good friend started making snide comments about how no doubt I was going to be having the “lie-ins” again this weekend whilst my husband looked after the children and then started laughing at me in a way that inferred she wanted to embarrass me or imply I was lazy. I told her that every night I’m up countless times with the baby whilst my husband sleeps in the spare room and that as I get significantly less sleep and time away from the children in the week than my husband does he is happy for me to have two hours back in bed on the weekend mornings for both of those reasons.

She then rolled her eyes and said “Whatever you say Queen” and gave a smirk at one of our other friends.

She made me feel really crap about myself and the rest of the evening was pretty awkward. I spoke to my husband about it after they’d gone and he told me to just let it wash over me as their opinions on what suits us as a family are really not worth getting upset about.

AIBU to feel so disheartened though. I’m supposed to be seeing her again tomorrow as we’re taking our children to the park and I’m dreading it because now I feel like underneath our friendship she actually thinks quite little of me

Right, so just got back.

I arrived at the park and she was already there. It was really uncomfortable at first as though neither of us quite knew how to interact with each other.

Anyway, the older kids went off playing and we just sat on the bench and after what felt like ages of silence I told her that what she said last night about me having
Lie-ins had really upset me and that considering we were such good friends I was surprised she would say those things, especially in front of other people. I told her that I had felt really humiliated and didn’t understand why she would do it

She then apologised and said she knew she’d been out of order and now that she knew how upset I was she felt even worse. Then out of nowhere she told me that the reason she’d wanted to see me and talk to me was because her partner had said he wanted them to break up and she didn’t know what to do.

She said she had wanted to tell us all as a group last night but because I’d been talking about something nice my husband had done and it made her feel upset and angry about her own situation and that’s why she then went on to make her snide comment. She was then apologetic again and told me that of course she didn’t think badly of me and that she had just been irrationally venting her anger and that unfortunately I’d been the one on the receiving end of it.

She said she’d told the other women on the way home about the break-up as they’d pulled her up on what had been said to me and so my friend had wanted to explain herself to them.

We couldn’t talk at length or in depth as we had the children but she asked if we could go out for a quick sandwich as she didn’t want to go home so that’s what we did.

I had to come back home as I’m sitting in waiting for a delivery and although I asked if she wanted to come back with me to talk about it some more she said not as she knew she had to go home at some point. Before we parted ways she apologised again for what she had said.

So yes, I guess that explains it somewhat.

It does somewhat explain her snide comment. But she is going to struggle if she thinks the way to survive a divorce is to alienate her best friend, she will find she loses enough friends without bitching at the ones who are liable to stay true.

This ^^

It's great that you were able to be honest with you. Well done! It's great that she is genuinely remorseful and apologetic.
But going forward I would be very wary of a 'friend' who can lash out like that. Try very hard not to get sucked into her relationship drama. You probably feel that, as a friend, you should support her but she has already demonstrated that her feelings outweigh yours (to her).

*honest with her

I’m glad she apologised and explained. With context (not that her comment was ok or fair at all) I kind of understand how a snide comment came out in the heat of the moment. It was good of you to see that it’s not usually like her and to hear what she had to say.

She’s just text me to ask if I can go over tonight once her children are in bed so we can talk about it some more. She said her partner (not husband as I accidentally called him on Page 2 I think) has gone to stay with some friends whilst he clears his head and she doesn’t want to be alone.

She has also invited our other two friends over and has said she just need to talk about what’s happening because she’s upset and confused. I can understand that so when my husband is home I’ll let him know he’s on bedtime duty tonight.

I’m glad you’re all going round to support her

Hmm I'm not.

One friend going round is lovely.
All 4 of you meeting up to hear about her is about the focus being back on her.
You are getting sucked into her drama.

You're a good egg @QueenofmyPrinces and are handling both sides of this very well.

I’m not sure her wanting to see her best friends and talk to them when her long term partner has suddenly ended the relationship is drama?

I would like to think that after 20 years of friendship my friends would rally round me when I asked them to if my husband announced he wanted to leave me.

Isn’t that just what friends do?

@QueenofmyPrinces I agree and don't think she's out of order at all. Her whole world may be about to shatter. She needs support.

You are being a good friend but maybe have a "sorry you are stressed but that isn't a very nice way to talk to anybody" tucked up your sleeve for the near future just in case. Good luck.

Glad you've cleared the air. It's nice you're supporting her.

Also, you need an actual lie in on the weekend. 8:30 doesn't count. I slept til 11 this morning

Fair point. I'm just more wary of selfish people now.

Pooh. She's got a lot going on then! Sounds out of character. Good luck!

Oh, your poor friend, I feel really sorry for her now. Glad you are going round tonight to support her. Well done OP.

It was a one off, in twenty years, she's apologised and explained. OP it sounds like she's genuine, and needs you right now. I know my friends would rally round if I needed them...it's good you're all doing the same.

Tbh I'm with fc301. Her explanation doesn't ring entirely true, because she carried on the snide digs this morning (the 'you're probably still asleep' text). If she had really been pulled up on it on the way home and taken it to heart, she would never have gone on to carry it on in the text. I'd even be wondering whether this was true or if her dp is just away for the weekend and there will be a 'reconciliation' shortly.

People do and say odd things when under pressure, but it shouldn't give them carte blanche to say whatever they want.

I once got a nasty email from a friend after a weekend break about me allegedly not paying her enough attention - this is after I looked after her DS when she went off for beauty treatments and took him swimming because she didn't want to. I was devastated as I would hate to think that I'd done that and she then said that she was upset because her XH had announced he was getting married that day.

Fair enough, but I never saw her in the same light after that and didn't make arrangements to ever meet her again, even though before that we'd been quite close.

Real friends don't go around being arsey to each other. I really don't like the fact that her text this morning also made reference to your sleeping habits.

I'd let it go for now, but if she - or anyone else - ever mentions it again, I'd be prepared to robustly state what you did in your OP about being wakened during the night and your DH getting a full nights sleep.

('this' being the break-up)

It turns out my husband knew this was coming which is why he told me not to be upset over her comment and told me to go and meet her today.

My friend’s partner had confided in my husband about how unhappy he was and then a few days ago he’d told my husband he was planning on leaving.

I feel upset my husband hadn’t told me but he said it wasn’t his place as my friends ex had told my husband to keep it to himself. I suppose my husband was in an awkward position but it still feels weird.

OK, then, the break-up is genuine, but she was still hoping to carry on her nastiness and get away with it (see first text this morning). Sorry

Real friends don't go around being arsey to each other. I really don't like the fact that her text this morning also made reference to your sleeping habits.

I’d completely forgotten about her first text amongst all of this. In hindsight I’m hoping she just said that without thinking because actually I still would have been asleep normally.