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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think catching up on much needed sleep isn’t about having a leisurely lie-in...

214 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 21/04/2018 07:20

Me and my husband have two children, a 4 year old and an 8 month old.

My husband sleeps in the spare room and has done for as long as I can remember because the baby wakes up on average about 3-4 times a night and we bed share as it’s the only way I can get any form of decent sleep.

My husband gets a good 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.

If the 4 year old wakes up for any reason in the middle of the night, which maybe happens twice a week on average, it’s me he comes and wakes up. We have told him that if he needs anything in the night then he is to go into daddy’s room because daddy will help him, but it’s still me he comes in to and wakes.

I would say that on average I get 5 hours of broken sleep a night which when compared to my husband’s uninterrupted 8.5 hours is pretty rubbish but I accept that it’s just the way it is.

When the weekend comes my husband will get up with the children on both Saturday and Sunday mornings at about 6.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours so I can try and get some more sleep.

Yesterday evening I had some friends over and someone who I classed as a good friend started making snide comments about how no doubt I was going to be having the “lie-ins” again this weekend whilst my husband looked after the children and then started laughing at me in a way that inferred she wanted to embarrass me or imply I was lazy. I told her that every night I’m up countless times with the baby whilst my husband sleeps in the spare room and that as I get significantly less sleep and time away from the children in the week than my husband does he is happy for me to have two hours back in bed on the weekend mornings for both of those reasons.

She then rolled her eyes and said “Whatever you say Queen” and gave a smirk at one of our other friends.

She made me feel really crap about myself and the rest of the evening was pretty awkward. I spoke to my husband about it after they’d gone and he told me to just let it wash over me as their opinions on what suits us as a family are really not worth getting upset about.

AIBU to feel so disheartened though. I’m supposed to be seeing her again tomorrow as we’re taking our children to the park and I’m dreading it because now I feel like underneath our friendship she actually thinks quite little of me Sad

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 21/04/2018 08:03

I would call her every time you have to get up during the night and keep her awake for the duration.
It shouldn't worry her as she won't need any extra sleep as she isn't lazy.

timeisnotaline · 21/04/2018 08:05

Ignore her - I get all the lie ins when I’m up with a non sleeper, it is definitely survival not an indulgence. If you need a plan for this lady adopt a superior tone and say’ ah you’ve obviously had good sleepers, it’s a different universe really’

lottiegarbanzo · 21/04/2018 08:06

Your friends won't have realised. Also, it's easy to see people who are happy, in strong relationships etc as 'permanently ok' and impermeable to a little criticism.

leghoul · 21/04/2018 08:07

Sounds like you're feeling very low and sensitive - this could be you placing greater emphasis on it than is warranted, it really could. Otherwise it sounds like there could have been a failure in delivery of what was meant to be a humorous remark. I say things in jest that are not always taken as such!
It would be odd for a friend of 20 years to suddenly be like this. The other issue is whether they are jealous, etc.
Personally I'd go to the park and see how it is. If you still feel bad time to reevaluate this friendship.

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2018 08:08

Queen you could have a chat with one of your other friends about it if it made you feel better? They may not have thought it was as big a deal as you do, and if you’re sleep deprived and sensitive about it that’s quite possible. But I’d just try to forget it, put it down to her being a bit of a cow on this occasion for some reason. If she says something again then pull her up, but it’s unlikely a 20 year friendship has been very affected by your DH giving you a lie-in!

Sleepsoon7 · 21/04/2018 08:08

How does she even know what your sleeping arrangements are? It is shit when people you consider friends turn on you like this when you are feeling vulnerable. If anything else is said in future I would smile and say something like “Yes I’m really lucky to be so loved” and then just carry on.

Dozer · 21/04/2018 08:09

She was rude and nasty. She may have internalised misogynistic views about parenting, and/or a sexist partner who doesn’t do his fair share. Perhaps it’s easier to be negative about other mothers than to deal with her situation.

IMO your H should be assisting your 4yo at night/early mornings, in addition to the weekend mornings!

ZZZZ1111 · 21/04/2018 08:12

Honestly, what you are doing is not decadent or highly unusual. It's very normal for people with wakeful babies to do things like that! I'm sure she is probably jealous at the support your husband offers you. I talk with lots of friends about 'lie ins' I have sometimes at weekends and the odd nap and no one has ever been weird about it (including those with wakeful and non wakeful babies). Apart from possibly a slight hint of snidiness from a friend whose husband does nothing so I know she's just envious!

pictish · 21/04/2018 08:16

She’s jealous that your dh gets up with them at the weekend because hers doesn’t. In order to make her peace with the discrepancy in support, she has turned it into you being a diva, rather than your dh being the better man than hers. She’s being an arsehole.

I’d bring it up with her again. Be calm but confident. “I didn’t like the way you sneered at me about catching up with sleep on the weekends.As I said at the time, I get about five hours of broken sleep per night during the week, while he enjoys a full night’s peace. I won’t apologise or be made to feel bad about getting a longer lie at the weekend. Please don’t do that to me again. Thanks. “

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 21/04/2018 08:17

Mean of her, and yes, probably jealous. Don’t lose sleep over it Grin

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/04/2018 08:19

Her children have always been good sleepers, or so she has told me. She’s one of the lucky ones whose baby slept through by four months.

She does moan about her partner sometimes but no more so than most women have little gripes with the man in her life. I’ve met her husband many, many times as we all socialise together and he’s always come across as a nice guy but I suppose outsiders never truly know what someone else’s relationship is like regardless of how close friends you are.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 21/04/2018 08:21

Why on earth didn't you say' oi, matey, what the fucks that about!!'
It doesn't matter what the subject is when someone starts putting you down especially in front of others it needs nipping in the bud there and then.

Also she has not made you feel bad, it's an emotion and mindset you have imposed on yourself. Shake that shit off. If you do see her toady ( personally I wouldn't) I would be challenging it. It doesn't have to be confrontational but I'd be asking what the hell last night was about.
If it's not dealt with it's a sign that you are happy to accept criticism from others.

jkl0311 · 21/04/2018 08:22

She sounds horrible OP what I would pay for my H to get up for me to have a lie in! I've found myself going to bed an hour earlier and that's making a difference. I also use a fit bit and try to track improve my sleep

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 21/04/2018 08:27

She’s just text me to ask if we can go to the park later today instead of tomorrow and she started the text with “I know you’re probably still asleep but.....”

Shock
OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 21/04/2018 08:28

TBH I wouldn't have taken that to heart. I think it was your friends sense of humour not necessarily snidey.

Justifying it to everyone at the table was a bit daft. I'd have just said....

'too right.... In fact I think I'll get up at midday tmrw and make it really worthwhile'

Skiiltan · 21/04/2018 08:30

Yesterday evening I had some friends over

Am I being unreasonable to wonder why mumsnetters keep referring to nasty, spiteful people as their "friends"?

Serena1985 · 21/04/2018 08:32

I have a friend who is constantly snide. Constantly. It’s just her. She’s like it with everyone. People don’t like her when they first meet her but we have worked together for a long time and she’s part of our “group”.

I’m in the process of extracting myself from the group because I just don’t want to hear her shite any more.

Ditch her OP. Ask her what her problem is and fuck her off. Life is too short.

Qcumber · 21/04/2018 08:33

Yeah she sounds really nasty and spiteful. I hate people who mock under the guise of a joke.
I'd text her back at 8pm and say 'sorry NastyBitch I was having my usual lie in and I've only just woken up, hope you had fun at the park by yourself'

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 21/04/2018 08:34

I'd reply to her text:

No, I don't want to go to the park.

And leave it at that.

Silverstreaks · 21/04/2018 08:36

Reply

I'm awake. I've been mulling over your snidey comment. Think we'll give the park a miss.

CookPassBabtridge · 21/04/2018 08:36

What a bitch. I would have an honest chat with her while the kids are playing, frame it as "I'm wondering if everything is okay with you? You don't seem yourself at the moment"

Then go on to wonder whats caused all these comments, as you barely get any sleep. Is some

NapQueen · 21/04/2018 08:36

Id just reply "fuck off"

MarthasGinYard · 21/04/2018 08:38

I'd reply

"Yes you've woken me up,
Stick the park I'm getting some more lovely sleep"

CookPassBabtridge · 21/04/2018 08:39

Actually after posting, I agree with the comments above me. Hold your head high and don't go.

BalloonFlowers · 21/04/2018 08:39

Absolutely nothing wrong with your set up (it's what we did for many years), BUT consider extending it one day a week - you will be amazed how different you feel if you can get yourself about 4 hours straight sleep sometimes.

It's all switched now the kids are older. Im a SAHM, and we all get up crazy early during the week. At the weekends, I tend to get up about 6.30 (kids up about 5.30 still), and DH surfaces closer to 8. Sometimes I have a nap in the afternoon!

Ignirevtye friend. It sounds like she gas never suffered the sheer desperation to get a few hours straight sleep.

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