To think it's rude to not give a wedding gift?

[Choccolitt]

I'll try not to drop feed. DH and I got married two weeks ago. I can't bear invitations asking for money and don't really like gift lists either so we didn't have anything gift related with the invitation.

We had quite a lot of guests for the day (120) and then evening guests too. For those who were there all day we provided a bottomless champagne reception with canapes, a lovely three course meal with unlimited wine, and then for the evening do there was a hot buffet and money behind the bar so everyone had 2-3 free drinks. I'm giving this info now so no-one says we hosted to get gifts and were stingy because we weren't.

We didn't want money or expensive gifts hence the lack of lists but to be honest I've surprised myself by how disappointed I've been by guests who chose to give us nothing. Some really well-off friends just gave a bottle of prosecco. I have friends who don't have much money at all and gave us a token gift worth about £10 which I thought was lovely but I am surprised some people came along to the full day empty handed or just with a bottle of prosecco. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not giving a gift.

Are people just so used to requests for money that if there isn't one they don't give a gift at all?

I always give a gift,

LONG REPLY AHEAD - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED lol

Whether I'm going or not, the fact I've been invited warrants it, what it will depend on the relationship with the person, what budget is, what likes/dislikes, other factors and I should have an idea of some of that if I'm close enough to be invited to their wedding

@Shrimpi I agree with you, no-one is made to buy a new outfit, shoes, get hair and makeup done, stay in a fancy hotel and see it as a gift to newlyweds - totally agree with all of your post.

I'm going to explain how I managed financially during a week of weddings back in 2005. 6 days out of 7 so i was wedding-ed out. Yes, I know the economy has changed a lot since.

Back in the summer of 2005, I had a run of weddings back to back, I should say now I'm Irish so you can see money signs in my eyes or reality of the lack of money. it was exhausting but was great craic some of the people were crossing into other weddings and some with new people as only 2 of the brides knew each other and one of the grooms had met one of the other brides doing pre-marriage course

When the invites came out which was 2 months before weddings as was high wedding season, thankfully I didn't drink alcohol as I would have been scundered on the floor somewhere so was just on soft drinks and whoever isn't drinking alcohol doesn't get into rounds as alcohol is more expensive than a soft drink,

I had a week of weddings Monday right thru to Saturday,
Monday 12pm finished at 2am
Tuesday 2pm finished 3am
Wednesday 1pm finished 2am
Thursday 1pm finished 3am
Friday 1pm finished 3am
Saturday 1.30pm finished

Sunday slept all day as was exhausted

I got some sleep at home each night and treated myself to breakfast in local cafe each morning with a full fry up, before going home and getting ready and on the road to the next one. It meant i wasn't hungry until early evening when food was being served at the receptions.

Clothes wise I wore a dress one day that I had bought at least a year before and never wore. Top and fancy trousers, fancy top, a pair of sandals and a pair of shoes I got on sale and borrowed another dress from a friend, I mixed this combo around with a few pieces from my wardrobe that was already in a rotation and made enough outfits to last for 6 days. I borrowed some jewellery and about 3 weeks before wedding week got my hair cut into an easy to sort out style for myself and added a colour at home, Haircut was easy for me to maintain anyhow so that and borrowing some clothes and jewellery saved me money as I didn't need a new outfit. I rarely wear makeup so had to visit a pound shop to get some foundation, a powder, a lipstick and some nail polish/ remover which I changed daily.

With coordination and some friends who were going to certain weddings I left the car at home, others I drove myself to and back home after the reception each night after partying the night away. I did a car share, taxi bus but also drove myself at least 3 nights. So accommodation wasn't an expense and OH came to the evenings of 3 of the weddings so came home with me afterwards and attended the full day with me on Saturday.

Gift-wise - when I got the invitation as obviously i knew either the bride or groom, mainly the brides I made a point with each of them to meet up for a catch up before wedding madness would start big time as knew they would be dying to talk wedding stuff and I was ready to listen and show me pics of them when they met, which was handy as stored on FB photos in most cases. I admit now I recorded part of the convo on voice recorder in each case where I got her to tell me the story of how she met her husband to be, I also managed to get details for groom usually just a mobile number or email of her as well as planning something for both of them but couldn't tell her what but needed to speak to him too.

So while I got the story of how they met from the bride point of view, I then swore the groom to secrecy and asked him a ton of questions which gave me his side of the story, This I then made into a book which I bound with ribbon but the book relayed "The story of US" and started off from the first meeting, first impressions, photos where I could get them (grooms were helpful for this but didnt know why I assured them it wouldnt be something in the public domain) and brings in helpful bits of advice from friends and family to the newly weds prior to the day right up to the wedding day which had ... a new chapter -

They cost me less than £75 in total to make all 6 but many hours of work and love behind each one,

It's something they all said they cherished a lot and with one couple its always on display in their home even pop in visits when there is no time to pull it out of its drawer. lol

My OH, who came with me to 1 of the weddings for the full day and for the evenings of 3 others, getting a lift there and coming home with me. He was working during the day and not close enough people to take annual leave for.

He wore that week 2 pairs of black trousers that he already had and shoes, and depending on what I was wearing co-ordinated with me in terms of a shirt and pair of socks, shirts were bought from eBay costing 10 each which I think he got 2 and got socks in a similar colour, He just wore shirt and trousers, it was hot weather and not necessary for suit and tie for him. He didn't drink alcohol either so that wasn't a big expense. Plus was able to wear shirt in the future.

Hair cut / DIY colour / make up - 20
cafe breakfast x 6 days 30
Petrol - 70 - full tank
taxi share - 10
gifts for 6 couples - 75
Clothes for OH - 25
Soft drinks - 50

Approx total £280 so round it up to 300 - which is very good when i say it was across 6 weddings

Most recent weddings - September 17, 100e in a card which was personalised to them

and 2 personalised cushion covers, with the couples name at the top of a tree, their twins on the same level slightly lower down and their younger childs name centred slighly below that, with the X (surname) family established and the year the twins was born.

In a seperate bag i provided well padded cushion inners so all they had to do was put the covers on and place on sofa.

April 18 - wasnt able to attend the wedding so i got a crystal fruit bowl from ebay and packed it in rainbow coloured shredded paper (i put wrapping paper thru shredder) and put it into a storage box from The Works and tied it up with ribbon

Yes its rude not to give a gift, as above says with the books i made secured with ribbon and full of photos and memories for them it wasnt majorly expensive but they can tell a lot of time and thought went into it and that is what i think has made it special and didnt break the bank.

I think it’s rude to treat a wedding like a freebie night out. Of course gifts should be given. Those that don’t are nasty little freeloaders. Having said this, however, I think a bottle of Prosecco is sufficient as a gift!

It was the risk you took without being specific I guess. We asked for money which was cool. Only one person (we think) didn’t give us anything. We sent a thank you card anyway, thanking him for coming, just in case he brought a card and it was mislaid! Awkward conversation otherwise

Just to add that a bottle of Champagne or Prosecco (or even Prosciutto) is really boring.
There are other drinks around the world that add value to a couple's drinks collection and good ones can be gift worth, from Port wine to vodka.

Here are some ideas for expensive wine:

financesonline.com/top-10-most-expensive-red-wines-in-the-world-cabernet-sauvignon-tops-the-list/

I agree that it is rude. If there is no gift list with the invite surely you would just ask the couple if there is one or choose something yourself. We didn't provide a gift list with the invite but people phoned and asked if there was anything we would like or they just bought something. I think only one guest out of 120 didn't give us a gift.

I agree with OP that it is a bit... disappointing when you find that perfectly solvent people haven't given you a gift, or a really cheap one.

I really didn't get married in order to get a trawl of gifts (just as well!) but when you get one flannel and a hand towel from a loaded aunt (who was only invited because dm insisted) - it is a bit WTF. Also one family gave us a lampshade between the lot of them. Again, not a nice lampshade, but a random jade-coloured paper one. I know presents shouldn't indicate what you think of someone, but when you know people have quite a lot of money and they seem to have sought out a particularly stingy gift, it is hurtful.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think rather than being grabby in any sense - to me it is a clear snub if someone turns up empty handed with no gift to a wedding. The failure to give a gift of any type signifies 'you are not important to me'.

There are some exceptions to this clearly - i.e. a bridesmaid who has gone to significant expense already. Someone who has provided other help in some form. Someone who is in financial difficulty or someone who is clearly just clueless around these things (e.g. young single male just out of uni etc.) I would expect a card here though at least.

Were these guests who know your husband more than you by any chance? Is there a possibility your husband went to one of their weddings (before you) and didn't buy a gift?

We had a couple of non-gift givers but ten is a lot.