To think it's rude to not give a wedding gift?

[Choccolitt]

I'll try not to drop feed. DH and I got married two weeks ago. I can't bear invitations asking for money and don't really like gift lists either so we didn't have anything gift related with the invitation.

We had quite a lot of guests for the day (120) and then evening guests too. For those who were there all day we provided a bottomless champagne reception with canapes, a lovely three course meal with unlimited wine, and then for the evening do there was a hot buffet and money behind the bar so everyone had 2-3 free drinks. I'm giving this info now so no-one says we hosted to get gifts and were stingy because we weren't.

We didn't want money or expensive gifts hence the lack of lists but to be honest I've surprised myself by how disappointed I've been by guests who chose to give us nothing. Some really well-off friends just gave a bottle of prosecco. I have friends who don't have much money at all and gave us a token gift worth about £10 which I thought was lovely but I am surprised some people came along to the full day empty handed or just with a bottle of prosecco. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not giving a gift.

Are people just so used to requests for money that if there isn't one they don't give a gift at all?

I’ve sometimes not given a gift where I’ve had to travel - it’s cost us over £600 to attend 1 wedding and over £1000 for another (much further afield). I think to then expect a gift as well is a bit much.

But instead I sent very nice and expensive gifts for their first borns (1 a mulberry Bush and 1 a baby Christmas tree, both with plaques with baby’s name and dob on) and neither seemed particularly grateful so glad I didn’t bother with wedding gift as expect reaction (or lack of) would’ve been the same!

YANBU surely it’s common knowledge that you give a gift if you go to a wedding, it doesn’t have to be expensive, just a token to say thank you for hosting me. Even if it’s a “no gifts please” wedding you take a bottle of wine, send flowers to the couple or make a donation to a charity of their choice.

To everyone saying there’s no obligation to give a gift and you shouldn’t expect gifts, in the real world wedding gifts are obviously expected and to not give anything is considered very bad form.

I never understand people saying they have everything they need for their house, unless your millionaires surely there’s something you’d like, some new crockery or towels or a nice bit of furniture everyone could contribute towards?

Yes I think it’s rude to come without a card or a gift to someone’s wedding and I wouldn’t do it.
Just because you’ve been generous with the wedding party doesn’t mean you are loaded and therefore don’t need a gift! (If that’s what people were thinking)
Been there done that, we also weren’t explicit about gifts and were surprised for sure by the generosity of some guests, also the several guests who turned up with no card or token gift. Then we had a fair few no shows on the day. That got to me most I have to say as we’d been strict with the list (bumping up against the limit of our budget) but if we’d have known how many people would not come we could have invited more!

Yadnbu and I think not to bring a gift at all is very odd. I think the etiquette might be different for giving a gift to a young couple setting up home v second timers who already have set up home etc.

*We made a profit on our wedding too.'

Is this a thing?

How crass*
Oh, fuck off. I clearly just meant that we were given more in gifts than the cost of the wedding. Not deliberately, just because that's what happened.

What if you'd ended up with 20 vacuum cleaners?

I think it's sensible and polite to provide your guests with some sort of clue as to what you want to happen gift wise.

I've attended a wedding and not given a gift other than a congratulations card. When we got married we specified no gifts please. I just don't think wedding gifts are necessary.

I have to admit I deduct money from the gift if the wedding costs a lot to attend.

YABU, if you didn’t ask for anything people probably assumed you didn’t want anything.

Unless you got married just to get gifts then you shouldn’t be surprised.
Personally I would have at least given money (because who doesn’t like money), but not everyone is great at thinking for themselves!

It was your decision to lay on the free food and booze, you shouldn’t be annoyed at people for not contributing.
You could have spent less and bought yourselves a great gift!

I hate it when there is no list and would have no idea what to get you so would go with prosecco. I think that if you wanted better presents you should have provided a list.

I wouldn’t dream of going to a wedding and not giving anything but I also wouldn’t expect a gift.

We’re getting married soon and haven’t mentioned gifts despite MIL’s cries that people will want a gift list etc. I honestly just want to get married.

Bizarre to not give a gift for a wedding. If not gift list etc... Surely, money or a voucher would be obvious. Depends on the norm for your friends and family I guess.

I would be embarrassed to attend a wedding and not give a gift, but I was not at all annoyed at the people who attended my own and didn't give one, it really was about having people there to celebrate so my desires were met when they turned up and had a good time. I find the presumption of a gift by the receiver to be ruder than the lack of a gift from an attendee.

When we got married we said nothing about gifts in invite. My mum hates gift lists with a passion and basically ordered me not to have one. Didn't bother me. A lot of folk contacted me and asked what to get. I said, 'we're honestly not looking for anything but if there's anything you see that you think we'd like, that would be very kind.' People also asked about vouchers so we got a lot of John Lewis vouchers. We also got 3 cutlery sets and no dishes!

I would never not give a gift. My bigger bugbear is not being thanked. I wrote to every single person who gave us a gift. I gave a very old friend a gift (off her list) 6 months ago and never heard a peep of a thanks.

It’s weird (tight) not to give a gift

At our wedding (years ago) it was the people who could least afford it that gave the most which was lovely of them but also annoying as the people who were very well off clubbed together to buy the cheapest thing on our list (these were still a thing then and we had things on from £2). We didn’t have free bar for the whole event,but it was the people who had been tight that were ordering bottles of champagne for their table and used up all the money behind the bar.

I couldn’t imagine attending a wedding without giving a gift. It’s an appreciation of the couple wanting to share their day with me and a way of showing how happy I am for them.

I usually read replies before replying myself but being nagged to watch something lol.

Your post sounds a little crazy to me. You say you don't like gift lists or asking for money and you're upset that people then gave you nothing?? That's just so weird - what were people supposed to think?

I think it's very rude not to give a gift. However expensive it might be to get to the wedding, I'd never dream of turning up empty-handed - it's traditional, and the hosts have spent a lot of money on the reception. I always ignore the gift list and give either a bundle of nice quality cream-coloured towels or an Argos gift voucher (either of these is bound to come in handy eventually).

Of course it's reasonable to expect a wedding gift from your guests. I have never received a list or a request for money (not the done thing in Ireland) in the invitation but I know bloody well not to rock up empty-handed. If I don't know what to get I ask the bride, or the groom or one of their parents, whoever I know best.

It's polite to give a wedding gift, but if wedding gifts are not given then it is polite to be gracious and not complain. You invited guests to celebrate with you, not to shower you in presents.

I would never attend a wedding without bringing a gift, regardless of a list.

I would never notice of care is someone came to my wedding and didn't bring a gift. I invited people that I wanted there to share my day. If they couldn't or didn't want to give a gift, I could not care less.

when did it become 'normal' to not give a Wedding Gift... I'm very surprised by this change

I didn't give gifts at the last two weddings I went to because I simply couldn't afford it. They were both within two weeks of each other and out of London so transport and accommodation costs factored in, it was either attend the weddings or give a gift but I couldn't do both. I'd also shelled out to attend both hen parties the month before. While it might be considered "good manners" () to give a gift, you can't magic up money that you don't have. If I'd told my friends that I couldn't attend their weddings but I was giving them a gift, they would have been gutted.

I agree with @doobigetta

It seems that nobody wants ‘stuff’ as wedding presents these days, so the old idea of helping the couple set up home is obsolete.

We just haven’t yet decided on what is the new social norm to replace this idea. Surely guests giving money to pay for the honeymoon is the most sensible way forward to a new convention?

I would bring a gift to a wedding as it would seem weird not to, even if just a token.

YABU to make it all about your guests earnings though as a bottle of prosecco is a nice token even if they are 'loaded' particularly if it wasn't a close friend.

My friend got married earlier this year and the whole thing cost me a fortune to attend, it was far away so in order to drink and be able to stay lateish we had to stay in the hotel, the hen do, outfits for both DCs and myself etc. so I couldn't have afforded more than a token £15 gift on top.