To think it's rude to not give a wedding gift?

[Choccolitt]

I'll try not to drop feed. DH and I got married two weeks ago. I can't bear invitations asking for money and don't really like gift lists either so we didn't have anything gift related with the invitation.

We had quite a lot of guests for the day (120) and then evening guests too. For those who were there all day we provided a bottomless champagne reception with canapes, a lovely three course meal with unlimited wine, and then for the evening do there was a hot buffet and money behind the bar so everyone had 2-3 free drinks. I'm giving this info now so no-one says we hosted to get gifts and were stingy because we weren't.

We didn't want money or expensive gifts hence the lack of lists but to be honest I've surprised myself by how disappointed I've been by guests who chose to give us nothing. Some really well-off friends just gave a bottle of prosecco. I have friends who don't have much money at all and gave us a token gift worth about £10 which I thought was lovely but I am surprised some people came along to the full day empty handed or just with a bottle of prosecco. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not giving a gift.

Are people just so used to requests for money that if there isn't one they don't give a gift at all?

Unless you specified that you didn't want gifts, I think it's U to turn up empty handed. Were you hoping that people would give you something without being asked?

blueyacht.

"We didn't want money or expensive gifts"

Well in that case you should be pleased that you didn't receive any money or expensive gifts.

It's one of those where no one can win.
If the couple provide a gift list, it's grabby.
If they ask for cash, it's really grabby.
If guests go off list, they're rude.
If they give a gift when none was asked for, they aren't respecting the couple's wishes.
If they don't give a gift, they're rude.

Bloody minefield. I think in this instance you have to feel good that your manners were impeccable in not asking for presents, and quietly get over yourselves that people took you at your word. No one was rude. I hope your wedding was everything you wanted it to be

I can't remember who said it first but there's a saying that that less well-off people are often more generous than wealthy people, and that's perhaps one reason as to why wealthy people have money and less well-off people don't!

I have noticed this in life, though. My mum and dad are pretty well off and, whilst I love them to bits, they are tighter than two coats of paint.

It’s rude not to bring a wedding gift but a lot of wedding gifts are absolute tat so I honestly believe you’d be better off without. The amount of twee photo frames I ended up taking to charity shops was untrue...

If you sent invitations with no gift lists or indication that you’d prefer vouchers or cash, then I’d assume that you were following the “we’ve already setup home and don’t want gifts” trend. Wedding gifts were to help a young couple to make their first home together, which is less often the case these days.

I think you should have put some effort into making a list or suggesting where you’d like vouchers from if you wanted gifts. People expect guidance when it comes to wedding presents.

It costs a fortune to attend weddings these days, clothes, shoes, travel, hotel, stag night it all adds up. We told our guests to bring themselves.

I think it is good manners to give a gift. I'm old enough to remember the days when the norm was only to send a list out on request after the invites went out. It still feels a bit grabby to me now the norm is to send it with the invite but to think gifts are only wanted if asked for seems odd to me. If I was unsure what to get I would give a gift voucher, only if it had been clearly stated "no gifts" would I not take something.

Not unreasonable at all. It’s good manners to give something to what the value of meal and drinks would cost. Never go to a wedding empty handed and accept your hospitality. Even a gift voucher would be handy.

Was this yours or your husbands second wedding? There are people who feel that if they gave gifts at the first wedding they won't give again at the second.

I didn't have money requests or a wedding gift list but we ended up in significant profit after our wedding as people were so generous. But most of the guests at my wedding were Irish...and it's pretty standard etiquette back home to give £50+ per all day guest.

We got married 3 years ago and didnt ask for anything or make a gift list. Most people still gave us gift cards though or lovely personalised gifts. I can't imagine turning up at a wedding without anything.

profit was a clumsy choice of words....I meant we ended up with more money than the outlay for the wedding.

Where I’m from people usually always give money. No poems needed. I gave a bottle of Moët at a reception once. Otherwise it’s always cash. I would never give prosecco as a day guest.

One of our ushers who is single and really well off gave nothing but I wasn’t bothered. My sister in laws maid of honour didn’t even give her a card. Sister in law paid and bought everything she needed including hair, make up and nails so wasn’t down to having paid out enough already.

We were invited to a wedding for friends of ExP when DD was 6 weeks old. I was on maternity leave surviving on next to no money so left present to partner to sort. He said he'd done a bank transfer (which I should've known he hadn't as he always lied about cash) Later at reception best man quasi joked about how seating plan reflected what gifts had been given. We were right at the back and I was utterly mortified when he admitted he hadn't given them anything! So for me as a guest I want to give gifts, but me as a host wouldn't expect them, mo matter how much money I'd spent on my guests

I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding without giving a gift, but I think it's just easier for guests, if you give some sort of list!

I must admit when I got married I found it a bit odd that some people didn't give us a card. Didn't mind that they didn't give a gift though. It's hard not to remember the people that didn't! I can't help it when I find myself attending their weddings to think to myself, I usually give £50 as a gift and still do but I do it while thinking these people didn't give us a gift at all (even though they're loaded compared to us).

Yanbu

Even without a gift registry it's easy to get a generic JL voucher or some currency for honeymoon. Even a bottle of champagne.

Nothing is naff

Congratulations !

Not rude really. A bit odd though

We made a profit on our wedding too. Some guests didn't give us anything (like our neighbour), but that was better than the neighbour's brother who gave us a cheque which bounced. We didn't care about not getting a gift, we did care about the bank fees for the rubber cheque.
When people asked what we wanted, we were honest and said money, because we had everything we needed and both hate ornaments. Some people gave us a dinner service or bedding or whatever and we appreciated that too.
I probably wouldn't go to any celebration without a gift for the host, so I certainly wouldn't at a wedding, but if I'm hosting I wouldn't want anyone to go to a lot of expense that they couldn't afford.

Goodness me I would take at least a bottle of prosecco to a dinner party! I would not dream of attending a wedding without taking a present, I am shocked anyone would.

I do feel for you op. I was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends last year. After the wedding she confided in me that I was the only one of 6 bridesmaids to give a wedding gift. I was so shocked at the others, it's just common courtesy.

'We made a profit on our wedding too.'

Is this a thing?

How crass

I think it is unusual to not bring a gift to a wedding - so I suspect you have made it clear to people close to you that you did not want money or expensive gifts and they have passed this message onto others - some of whom has interpreted it as no gifts. You did say no money or expensive gifts - a £20 bottle of prosciutto is in the ball park of what you wanted ie its not an expensive gift. Ask your very close relatives if people asked them what to get you and maybe this will give you an insight to what happened.
Weddings are very expensive for the hosts but also for the people who attend ie new clothes, hair dressing, baby sitters, travel etc. Your friends probably think you are the best wedding host ever - allowing them to enjoy their day without the additional sting of an expensive wedding present.
When we got married we wanted this for our friends so we told my mother we did not want anyone to spend any money on gifts and she passed this message onto others. Some people still did bring gifts though as they felt obliged - which was very nice of them but we genuinely just wanted them to enjoy the day.
Congrats on your new marriage.

It's unusual, certainly.