To think it's rude to not give a wedding gift?

[Choccolitt]

I'll try not to drop feed. DH and I got married two weeks ago. I can't bear invitations asking for money and don't really like gift lists either so we didn't have anything gift related with the invitation.

We had quite a lot of guests for the day (120) and then evening guests too. For those who were there all day we provided a bottomless champagne reception with canapes, a lovely three course meal with unlimited wine, and then for the evening do there was a hot buffet and money behind the bar so everyone had 2-3 free drinks. I'm giving this info now so no-one says we hosted to get gifts and were stingy because we weren't.

We didn't want money or expensive gifts hence the lack of lists but to be honest I've surprised myself by how disappointed I've been by guests who chose to give us nothing. Some really well-off friends just gave a bottle of prosecco. I have friends who don't have much money at all and gave us a token gift worth about £10 which I thought was lovely but I am surprised some people came along to the full day empty handed or just with a bottle of prosecco. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not giving a gift.

Are people just so used to requests for money that if there isn't one they don't give a gift at all?

In my opinion it is extremely rude to attend a wedding and not give a gift. Even if someone said they didn’t want gifts I would still give one (unless they asked for donations to a charity in lieu for example which I would do). If I was skint I would personally find it easier to decline an invite and spend what I would have spent on attending (accommodation etc) on giving the couple a nice gift than attend and give nothing.

"If I was skint I would personally find it easier to decline an invite and spend what I would have spent on attending (accommodation etc) on giving the couple a nice gift than attend and give nothing."

Yes, so people on modest incomes can't go to weddings that aren't local. That's a crap attitude.

You chose the wedding you wanted, if the guests were required to pay or donate gifts you should have made it clear, OP.

I, like many people I suppose, would not have thought that my attendance at a wedding depended on money or presents, but if you feel strongly about this it is your fault, even if you were pressed to take this attitude by the wedding industry which is commercial.

As you've seen it can be a mistake to rely on guest numbers to support your spending on whatever you had on the day unless everyone understands it's a business transaction. It's not a good way to treat friends, and even worse if they're family. YABU and I would be very unimpressed at requests for money or a certain priced gift.

YABU

I didn’t say people on modest incomes can’t attend weddings. People can make their own decisions about what to do. I just stated what I personally would be comfortable doing. I simply wouldn’t attend a wedding if I couldn’t afford a gift.

@iffyjiffybag you're putting words in the OPs mouth.. that's not what she's saying, and is not expecting her guests to pay for her wedding at all.

It’s only been 2 weeks since the wedding. I would guess they will give you something next time they see you.

I am consistently late with wedding present giving, if there is no list. It’s a pain to put a heavy package in the post, and not usually feasible to take it to the wedding, so I just wait until next time we visit them. Is this not normal? I do let them know something’s coming as I’m conscious they’ll be writing Thank You’s in the weeks after the wedding.

I don’t think it’s grabby to wonder about presents, when it is the done thing to give a gift. It’s not like OP is saying anything to the guests, just pondering anonymously online.

@User11220 me too, no way would I attend a wedding without giving a gift. Or a dinner party without wine or flowers. It's called manners.

AhNowTed it comes across that way to me.

Why else would OP be wanting higher value gifts and money?

@iffyjiffybag the OP said she was delighted with token gifts from friends she knew couldn't afford it.

I'm dying at "a bottle of prosciutto" did no one else spot it?
I'm imagining it like a tin of corned beef with a wee key up the side to open it 😂😂😂

I agree that it's very rude not to take a present to a wedding ( unless the invitation makes very clear that presents are not wanted). Saying nothing about presents in the invitation is polite in my view. But guests should then either give money, a gift of their own choosing, or should ask if there is a list.

No-one needs to spend a fortune on a present and a small token is fine if that's all that can be afforded. This is definitely a case of "it's the thought that counts". It seems wrong to me to say you can't afford a present because you've spent lots of money on a new outfit, hotel etc.

As a bit of an aside, when I was younger, I don't think that I ever stayed in hotels for weddings. It was either travel there and back in a day (not staying for evening do if there was one, so I could get home in time) or staying with nearby family. At most it would be a cheap B&B. I remember travelling to a couple of weddings, one on the Isle of Wight and one in Somerset (I lived in London at the time) where the brides' parents had arranged accommodation for wedding guests with local friends of theirs. There simply was not an assumption then (25-30 years ago) that people could afford to stay in hotels.

Of course, it's also very rude of the bride and groom not to thank guests for presents. Apart from anything else, it makes the giver worry that it hasn't been received (especially when it is money in a card that gets left somewhere).

We spent a fortune going to a wedding a few hundred miles away, staying 3 nights in hotels and going to an event after the wedding - thought a gift on top of everything was a bit much - now getting concerned about how "rude" we were!

@Fifthtimelucky totally agree. It is indeed the thought that counts. A personal and thoughtful photo in a frame for example.. I'd be delighted with that.

@BasilTheCat probably 😳

We didn't want money or expensive gifts well you clearly did so i don't understand why you're lying about it.
Some really well-off friends just gave a bottle of prosecco. I have friends who don't have much money at all and gave us a token gift worth about £10 which I thought was lovely but I am surprised some people came along to the full day empty handed or just with a bottle of prosecco. I
do think its bad manners to not give anything. I've been very poor before but always given a thoughtful albeit inexpensive gift. But I think its so much worse to turn your nose up at people who have actually brought a gift.
What you should have put is "we're going to say we don't want expensive presents or money...but if you don't get us expensive presents or money I'll slag you off on mumsnet".

"I didn’t say people on modest incomes can’t attend weddings. People can make their own decisions about what to do. I just stated what I personally would be comfortable doing. I simply wouldn’t attend a wedding if I couldn’t afford a gift"

Right, but why even mention your own way of doing things unless that's what you believe is correct?

"or a dinner party without wine or flowers. It's called manners."

Ted - dinner parties are quite different. You're usually only invited if you live locally so there aren't the travel and accommodation costs. Also, in general, people on low to modest incomes don't get invited to dinner parties.

For my wedding, we went out a gift list with $250m private islands, super cars and yachts on it. Tongue in cheek, obviously I genuinely didn't want gifts, I just wanted my friends and family with me having a drink and a fab time without having to spend a fortune. We did end up with miniature super cars, motorbikes etc which I loved! It takes the stress out of a normally expensive day for guests. It's about how much folk are enjoying themselves on your special day, not how much swag you have at the end of it.

If there were no instructions re gift i think i would give 50 quids of John Lewis vouchers.

'Money is the norm, unless there's a gift list.'

Says who?

YABU, OP. You said you didn't expect money or expensive gifts, when actually you did.

@BasilTheCat

To be fair, if this is what the couple asked and expected you to do for them then it's a basically a destination wedding.

I think that's the only case where not getting a gift can be acceptable. But it is a safer bet to get/make/iou a gift if you want to practice really good etiquette, and you should have got them a card at least imo (I am just another random voice on the Internet).

Not worth dwelling on it though and your friend probably doesn't even remember. I probably only remember the people who didn't get us a gift because they also stole some crockery from our venue... Giving us nothing was just insult added to injury especially as they are so wealthy (and did not travel far to our wedding).

Personally I came to this thread a bit naive, when we had (broke) friends coming from far away to our wedding we invited them to stay in our (tiny) house so they didn't have to spend money on hotels, and we paid for a part of the cost of the wedding party's accommodation, made a list of the cheapest accommodation in the area, arranged lifts etc. It seems from reading the comments here that a lot of couples don't consider any ways for their guests to save on costs at all, or make unreasonable demands on them.

Gwen, it's bad manners to turn up to a wedding/party and eat all the host's food and drink but not bring a gift. It doesn't have to be expensive, just a small thoughtful gift. I would be so so ashamed to attend a wedding and not bring a gift.

Sparkly - the OP is complaining about cheap gifts not just about no gifts.
As I said before I've spent less than 5 pounds on part of a gift before and the bride was happy with that, knowing that travel and accommodation were costing me hundreds.

" i would give 50 quids of John Lewis vouchers."

When your train/flight was 100 and hotel for two nights another 100?
Like I said, I might give 50 for a local wedding with no other costs, couldn't afford it if I have to travel.

It’s not the cost at all for me, if the gift is thoughtful.

Some of the best gifts I’ve ever had cost less than a cheap bottle of Prosecco.

Very rude to give nothing! If there's no gift list I'd give money (£50-£100 depending how close we are and if we're invited to the full day or just the evening)

I also think it's incredibly rude to attend a wedding and not give a gift.

I don't see the cost of attendance as something that offsets the need to give a gift.