To think it's rude to not give a wedding gift?

[Choccolitt]

I'll try not to drop feed. DH and I got married two weeks ago. I can't bear invitations asking for money and don't really like gift lists either so we didn't have anything gift related with the invitation.

We had quite a lot of guests for the day (120) and then evening guests too. For those who were there all day we provided a bottomless champagne reception with canapes, a lovely three course meal with unlimited wine, and then for the evening do there was a hot buffet and money behind the bar so everyone had 2-3 free drinks. I'm giving this info now so no-one says we hosted to get gifts and were stingy because we weren't.

We didn't want money or expensive gifts hence the lack of lists but to be honest I've surprised myself by how disappointed I've been by guests who chose to give us nothing. Some really well-off friends just gave a bottle of prosecco. I have friends who don't have much money at all and gave us a token gift worth about £10 which I thought was lovely but I am surprised some people came along to the full day empty handed or just with a bottle of prosecco. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not giving a gift.

Are people just so used to requests for money that if there isn't one they don't give a gift at all?

OK so you expected people to give you a gift, but you made a point of not giving them any clue what you would like to receive? This seems contradictory and unnecessarily difficult.

I give gifts for weddings but if the invitation specifically says no need for gifts then I just give a card. I didn't realise there was some doublespeak going on!

If there wasn’t any list/suggestion on the invite, I’d give money. It would be dependent on how much I’d spent already though - for example if it was a wedding nearby they’d get more than someone who’s wedding was somewhere I’d have to pay for travel/ a hotel etc to attend.

I wouldn’t turn up with nothing regardless of the invite, tbh I find gift lifts and money requests a bit uncouth.

Well if you're totting it up like that - new outfit, taxi's maybe hotel overnight, babysitting costs, probably cost couple of hundred quid plus, for a couple to attend a wedding.

If you even mentioned something along the lines of 'oh we're just happy if people attend', you may have been taken literally.

I hope you had a wonderful day and it hasn't been tainted by people not buying you a gift.

It would be a shame for you to remember it with a hint of resentment.

I agree, OP. So very rude. I would never not give a gift. I always take a small token, even if popping to a friend's. Weddings are an absolute must for a gift. I don’t like giving money either.

Yes, but I'd say it's also rude to check names off to see who hasn't sent gifts.

I think it's very rude to accept wedding hospitality without giving a gift.

^I agree. I wouldn’t even turn up for dinner at a friends house without a bottle or wine or chocolates.

I always give a gift voucher for a m&s for about £40-50 quid so they can buy house stuff or food if they don't like anything. I wouldn't dream of not giving anything. Very bad manners.

I thought of doing the same but a friend told me that people want to give you a gift for your wedding, so it’s best to give guidance.

Did a lot of people who you'd expect to give something not give? If so I'd be concerned about money/vouchers in cards going missing.

A friend of mine was similarly surprised after her wedding, and then realised that her great-aunt had just given her a card and she knew that there was no way that would have happened. After a subtle bit of digging it became clear that quite a lot of money and vouchers had been taken from cards at the reception.

it's also rude to check names off to see who hasn't sent gifts.

But is it not rude not to send thank you notes (as per MN and HIMYM)?

How do you send thank you notes without checking names to see who's sent gifts?

I think it’s rude and would never show up to a wedding without a gift. If guests have paid a lot out to stay over etc. its a bit different though.

I've never attended a wedding as an adult without giving a gift. If there wasn't a registry then I'd simply give money or a gift card to a place I know they like.

I would be offended with an invitation that mentions gifts or registry as that's considered incredibly rude where I'm from. So I wouldn't think your invitation would mean you wouldn't be happy to receive a gift.

Thing is, if a couple specifically requests no gifts, why would you then give them one?? That doesn’t make sense. They might have good reason to refuse gifts eg they’re going on the honeymoon straight away and can’t take lots of presents/alcohol with them.

Unless a couple specify they don’t want anything then it’s rude and tight not to get a gift. If you are skin then it’s perfectly ok to get a token inexpensive gift.

Thing is, if a couple specifically requests no gifts, why would you then give them one?? etiquette, to thank them for their hospitality. If they genuinely cannot accept gifts because they are both millionaire teetotallers with a chocolate allergy who are moving abroad straight after the wedding, then a donation to a charity of their choice would be a nice gesture.

These are people who’ve asked you join them on their special day, at probably the most expensive party they’ll ever throw - why wouldn’t you want to spend £10 on a bottle of fizz to show your appreciation?

Fair enough. I’ve never been to a wedding that wasn’t a family one so I wouldn’t know. It just seemed a bit odd to me to ignore a request not to do something.

Oh no. I really hope people don't give gifts at our wedding! I have put it on the invites but it seems some might ignore it.
I would like people to be our photographers.
I am going to spend tomorrow emailing those on the acceptance guests list to tell them , no presents but give us photos of the day.

Who doesn’t give gifts at a wedding sounds very rude.
In my culture if you don’t come in with a gift. You will be escorted out swiftly and be put out of your misery by the firing squad

How do you send thank you notes without checking names to see who's sent gifts?

I put the cards in a pile, and then mailed a thank you note to each person who had given a card.

What do other people do? Make a list of guests then put a check next to each one that gave a gift?

@steff13 we sent thank you cards to each person to thank them for coming and if they gave a gift we acknowledged it by saying something about how we would use/enjoy it.

It wasn't a destination wedding, was in our local town. First wedding for me second for DH. We had a joint hen and stag in the local pub.

Were the non givers from DH's side? Is it because they already gave him a decent wedding present the first time?

We just got married. Not everyone got us a gift. I don't really care. We just wanted them to attend!

We went recently to a wedding with only a card. Because the gift we are giving cannont be given until later. The bride however is aware of this and thinks it’s fabulous.

If it was DH's second wedding I wouldn't really expect anything other than a token from his friends and family really.