To think it's rude to not give a wedding gift?

[Choccolitt]

I'll try not to drop feed. DH and I got married two weeks ago. I can't bear invitations asking for money and don't really like gift lists either so we didn't have anything gift related with the invitation.

We had quite a lot of guests for the day (120) and then evening guests too. For those who were there all day we provided a bottomless champagne reception with canapes, a lovely three course meal with unlimited wine, and then for the evening do there was a hot buffet and money behind the bar so everyone had 2-3 free drinks. I'm giving this info now so no-one says we hosted to get gifts and were stingy because we weren't.

We didn't want money or expensive gifts hence the lack of lists but to be honest I've surprised myself by how disappointed I've been by guests who chose to give us nothing. Some really well-off friends just gave a bottle of prosecco. I have friends who don't have much money at all and gave us a token gift worth about £10 which I thought was lovely but I am surprised some people came along to the full day empty handed or just with a bottle of prosecco. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not giving a gift.

Are people just so used to requests for money that if there isn't one they don't give a gift at all?

It's incredibly rude to include a gift list with an invite- you don't mention it, and if people want they can get in touch to ask for guidance.

Almost everybody gave us a wedding gift, some were v financially generous, some were small and thoughtful, but I guess the point is feeling people are thinking of you. The people who just gave us a card went to huge expense to attend the wedding so I absolutely didn't expect anything and was just delighted they were able to come.

However, It is IMO such a breach of etiquette not to bring something to a wedding under normal circumstances that the concern is it's a snub for some reason, rather than because you have a desperate need for another John Lewis voucher.

Mumsnet seems to be a bit weird about wedding gifts. I wouldn’t dream of going to a wedding without taking something. I got invited to a wedding with no mention of gift in invitation (I find this a bit annoying) so I contacted the bride who said they didn’t want anything. I couldn’t attend but I sent a John Lewis voucher regardless.

I have made wedding cakes for some of my friends as their present from me. Anyone who does this type of thing will know who much it takes in time and effort (days annual leave, extra night in hotel to be there early morning to set up) not to mention the cost and the £££ the bride and groom saved. I loved being able to do this and didn’t give it much thought until my own wedding when I couldn’t believe how little we’d been given by people who I’d done so much for. And yes they could well afford it.

If it had been me I would’ve seen it as an opportunity to reciprocate. Not the exact momentary value obviously, but to show a tocken of gratitude.

On the other hand others who we weren’t so close to were very generous.

YANBU.
A lovely all-day reception was provided and some guests didn't bring a gift. Tight-asses!

@Shrimpi I take it you're planning a wedding or are recently married I love it when couples are about to get married and think there doing their guests a gracious honour by inviting them to their wedding and see it as forking our for dinner for everyone which they should be reimbursed for 😂

Weddings really are such a load of wank these days.

You can’t win OP. According to MN if you include a gift list you’re grabby, but then if you don’t then you shouldn’t be surprised if you don’t get any gifts.
I am shocked that anyone would accept a wedding invitation and not give a decent gift, within their means However If the guests who didn’t buy a present had had to travel and pay for hotel accommodation then they have already spent a huge amount and you should be happy with their ‘presence’ as that cliche goes. We’ve travelled to most weddings we’ve attended and stayed over AND bought a reasonable gift, we’re not loaded but we’re both working and can afford it but not everyone can

I can't bear invitations asking for money and don't really like gift lists either so we didn't have anything gift related with the invitation.

Then you got what you asked for.

I think it’s tricky when there’s no guidance but no way would I rock up with my DH for a whole day with nothing or just a bottle of Prosecco.

To put it in context, we have a big Christmas party each year (70 people+) and the minimum a couple would bring to that would be 2 bottles - usually one of Prosecco plus a gift (usually plant/flowers/chocolates etc).

As a minimum to a wedding I’d take a couple of bottles of champagne (if I had zero imagination, that is).

People aren't supposed to ask for gifts. Everybody knows you're supposed to give one at weddings, house warmings, birthdays.
It's a societal norm.

It's baffling that some people say "you didn't ask, you didn't get".
Have you no social skills?

If you don’t know what to get someone you give cash or vouchers. It is rude not to bring anything

It is rude not to give a gift.
However YAB a bit U. You gave no guidance about gifts but have now developed an opinion on what would have been acceptable.
Also the party is a gift to your friends as a joint celebration of your marriage. Not a direct exchange for a gift.
Being a wedding guest can be EXTREMELY costly, with travel, outfits, accommodation, childcare, hen/stag, GIFT etc etc. When DH was a Best Man their wedding cost us well over a £1000.

Correction : DH was just an usher!

prosecco is a horrible present yanbu

I specified no gifts at my wedding. It's enough of an ask to expect people to travel, stay over and probably buy outfits. Plus times have changed, wedding lists were for couples starting out with nothing. Most couples have lived together beforehand now and probably have a toaster!

well i still have the casserole dish and the towels and other things which were gifts for my wedding.
a bottle of booze, drunk, gone for ever.

It is staggeringly rude not to bring a gift to a wedding, especially when you are a day guest. I'd be mortified to turn up as a guest empty handed, and prosecco is a bloody awful gift, you've every right to be feeling miffed.If there is no guest list then surely you would bring money or a gift card. Have you got cards from the people who gave no gifts OP? I'm just wondering whether there are cards with cash in still at the venue somewhere?

Your wedding sounds absolutely lovely btw, congratulations!

I think a nice champagne is absolutely fine tartanscarf We received a few bottles at our wedding and they were very much appreciated. There's a big difference to me between good champagne and prosecco

Im the opposite Xichi, give me a prosecco and keep the price difference.

I would feel so awkward if I turned up to a wedding or even a birthday party without a gift! I couldn't accept free food and drink if I hadn't brought something. If guests didn't know what to get you, they could've just given a you a gift card or something. I think you invited some really rude guests.

tartan - I think of you’ve spent £££ getting there then I wouldn’t “expect” a gift at all. A bottle of good champagne however would be very much appreciated.

It always amuses me when someone leaves out some important information and then gets upset when people don't know what's going on (no gift information available but expecting gifts). SMH.

OP I wouldn't dream of attending a wedding without a gift, it just wouldn't happen. However I also cannot imagine pondering on this just two weeks after my wedding. Mine was many years ago but I don't recollect having any awareness as to whether anyone didn't bring a gift. I don't think I would have even noticed to be honest. I think you need to move on and enjoy married life.

Your wedding sounds absolutely lovely and I am sure you and the guests all had a wonderful day, gifts or not.

I've never gone to a wedding and not given a gift. Last year a nephew got married and my finances were at a low ebb, so I gave an IOU, and sent a cheque for £150 six months later when I was a bit more flush. I rarely go to weddings because it costs too much if it's a long way away and there's petrol to get there, hotel, dinner and breakfast the night before, hotel and breakfast the night of the wedding, an outfit (I normally wear jeans and t-shirts), a gift, the list goes on and on. The last long-distance wedding I went to cost €750, and I didn't enjoy it. Plus the vegetarian option is always shite.