To think it's rude to not give a wedding gift?

[Choccolitt]

I'll try not to drop feed. DH and I got married two weeks ago. I can't bear invitations asking for money and don't really like gift lists either so we didn't have anything gift related with the invitation.

We had quite a lot of guests for the day (120) and then evening guests too. For those who were there all day we provided a bottomless champagne reception with canapes, a lovely three course meal with unlimited wine, and then for the evening do there was a hot buffet and money behind the bar so everyone had 2-3 free drinks. I'm giving this info now so no-one says we hosted to get gifts and were stingy because we weren't.

We didn't want money or expensive gifts hence the lack of lists but to be honest I've surprised myself by how disappointed I've been by guests who chose to give us nothing. Some really well-off friends just gave a bottle of prosecco. I have friends who don't have much money at all and gave us a token gift worth about £10 which I thought was lovely but I am surprised some people came along to the full day empty handed or just with a bottle of prosecco. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not giving a gift.

Are people just so used to requests for money that if there isn't one they don't give a gift at all?

I think it's rude.

The majority gave gifts but about 10 gave nothing and three gave a bottle of drink. It just made me wonder about those.

Just to clarify we didn't say anything about gifts- we didn't say "no money please" etc just didn't mention it.

I never expect gifts. Not on my birthday, not at Christmas, wouldn't at my wedding. I think giving gifts is always optional and done at the discretion of the giver. I would, and have, turned up to a wedding reception with only a card and would be totally fine if people did the same to me. I think on the whole our society is becoming way too entitled and materialistic

This always surprises me. It can be really expensive to attend weddings, by the time you've included outfits, travel/hotel etc (not counting the hen/stag do etc). I've always felt that expecting presents is a bit grabby, especially if the couple already have a house etc.

We explicitly said that we didn't want presents but people were welcome to give to a local charity if they wanted to. People still bought presents though, which I found a bit odd . We sent thank you cards to all to say thanks for coming to celebrate with us.

So I think YABU to expect presents - whether you asked for them or not.

I think it’s shockingly rude not to give a gift. Absolutely unacceptable. If they really weren’t sure, they could include the gift receipt.

We were invited to a wedding last year, partners brothers step daughter. We couldn’t make it due to childcare. We bought them a present from there list. Even when we didn’t attend wedding. Well not even a thank you! No card to say thanks, no nothing. So damn rude! That really enjoyed me.

Annoyed me. Sorry lol

@Witchend we checked names off as we were writing thank you cards for the gifts.

Seems like a mixed bag of responses then. I would never dream of going to a wedding without a gift so I'm surprised how common it must be nowadays. I suppose it could be that some have gone missing and may turn up I hadn't thought of that.

I also didn't have a very specific gift list (more like some vague ideas) because personally to me the whole point is that the guest gives you what they want to, or maybe something they've chosen. Whether a gift or cash it's a token of their best wishes for you, and you end up with something to remember that friendship and connection by.

To not get anything at all - I think that's mean spirited and extremely rude. I would never, ever do that. If a friend did that it would have really hurt my feelings.

When we got married plenty of our friends were recent (jobless) graduates without a lot of money. Some of them couldn't afford to spend a lot of money on a gift so they bought us something unusual or made something for us instead. Some of them banded together and saved money by getting a shared gift. Someone made a painting for us! And some family friends who couldn't afford a gift helped us with practical aspects of the wedding. It didn't matter how much they spent it was obvious that they cared.

Others gave us cash perhaps because it's sometimes difficult or stressful to choose or find time to go out and buy a gift and I can totally understand that. Much better than buying something "for the sake of it" . I can understand that! We spent the money on a dslr and were very grateful. They gave us the gift of great honeymoon photos!

I don't think YABU at all. I think the people who came to your wedding without a gift are freeloaders and ultimately didn't care enough about your feelings or basic decency to make any effort at all.

And nobody makes you buy a "new outfit" or stay in am expensive hotel for a wedding! I think people are kidding themselves if they buy an expensive new frock and shoes or stay in a fancy hot and consider it some kind of favour to the couple getting married - as though they get nothing out of it.

Get a some clothes out of the cupboard or on ebay and sort out cheaper shared accommodation / drive home so that you can give the couple (who have forked out probably £100/head) a token to show them that you give a damn!

Getting a gift is part of the budget when you attend a wedding. Cut back on the luxuries you are spending on yourself before you are stingy with a gift, imo.

I'd give cash or voucher to more than cover price of my meal (and spouses meal) if no list so £180 -£200 more if good friends

I wouldn't go to any weddings if I felt i was expected to fork out £200 each time. I simply could never afford it. And I would be mortified if I thought any of my wedding guests felt obligated to give anything.

I don't understand equating giving a gift with how much a Bride and Groom have forked out per head or whatever. That is entirely their choice surely? A wedding doesn't have to be a big fat wedding with £100 per head catering so I'm not sure why a wedding guest should be giving a gift with that consideration in mind. Surely the point of a gift is because you want to give one not because you feel obliged to? Also, when did gift giving become about manners? And surely giving a gift in acknowledgment of how much it cost to have you there as a guest makes the guest "responsible" for acknowledging how much a bride and groom have chosen to spend?

To clarify, I'm not against giving gifts at weddings, I just think that some of the reasons given here about why you "should" give a gift don't really make sense.

Am in Ireland so may be different here. Customary to at least cover your meal.

fia so what do Irish people who are not rich do with regards to weddings?

You would have to have a decent disposable income to be able to give £200 in addition to all the other costs of attending a wedding, it simply wouldn't be affordable to many people or would require them to live on beans for weeks to free up the spare money. And what about the people who are already living on beans? If the norm is 'give hundreds of euros or don't go' there would be people unable to go to close family and friends weddings, which is ridiculous.

We are going to the evening do for the wedding of friends tonight as it happens. The actual wedding is close family only so I don't feel insulted about being 'second tier'. I don't know what the catering arrangements are but the norm in my experience is for there to be a buffet and a pay bar. Apart from wine with the wedding breakfast and fizz for toasts, I've never been to a wedding where there's been a free bar.

The couple are probably quite comfortable, as in they have good jobs and a big house (but likely to have a comparatively large mortgage they are younger than us) have no DCs, they've asked for a contribution to their honeymoon in lieu of gifts, but don't feel obliged, which I think is fine, l see no difference between giving someone money and a physical gift and also don't see the point in coming up with a list of household items you might not need to fit in with some people's outdated notion of etiquette.

It's not the case that everyone needs 'something' for their houses at all times. We could do with a few bits from ikea, a new driveway, some radiators moving and a new bathroom, none of which are wedding gift material.

YANBU.
It is rude, stingy and mean-spirited not to take along a gift to a wedding.
Utterly shameless, in fact.

We got married in the Caribbean and paid for everything for the guests (sounds extravagant but it cost less than what most people seem to spend on one day!) We didn’t ask for anything, but it was nice when some of the guests bought us vouchers! A few of them got us nothing, but we weren’t in the least bit offended!!

I was bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding and for about 3 months afterwards she was really off with me.
I finally got the courage to ask her what the issue was and she said she was disappointed that I hadn’t got her a wedding gift or put money in a card...
Until I pointed out that I was a single mum on a very limited income who had:

1. Helped arrange an amazing hen do for her, absorbed her costs into the bridesmaids costs, personally bought all her costumes and tons of champagne for that weekend which was within the same month as her wedding.
2. Had to pay for my own hair and make-up and dress alterations which cost me in excess of £150
3. Upon her insistence stayed in the hotel of her wedding for the night of and the night before - another £200
4. I had given her a lovely card which I’d had handcrafted and cost me about £15 to produce as I imagined it being a keepsake or possibly being framed.
5. Had given her hours upon hours of my time helping her make wedding invites, table plans, decorations for the venue etc.

So no, I didn’t put £20 in your card because I was completely spent out and I’ll even admit I was glad it was a free bar on the night of your wedding because at that point I had approx £25 to my name which needed to last me a week!

I think if people gave you a bottle of prosecco or a nice card then be grateful. You may assume they could have given more but maybe they couldn’t afford to

I didn't have a list, didn't get gifts off some people but couldn't tell you who, got money off some people and couldn't tell you how much! We didn't have list or ask for money, people spend enough on outfits and getting there and I liked all the wine and bottles of spirits we got! I can promise a few days after the wedding you won't think about gifts at all just the lovely day! Although thank you cards for wine and things are properly hard because they get lost from cards and unless people write on the bags you are stuck!!!

We're getting married in July, in Yorkshire - Which for most of our friends and family is a 4-5 hour drive. It's on a Saturday, but most people are driving up on the Friday and staying to Sunday, so immediately that's 2 nights in a hotel and petrol / transport costs.

We have lived together for 2.5 years and before we lived together, we both lived alone so already had to downsize everything as we had too much furniture / kitchen stuff etc.

I'd be absolutely thrilled if people gave us a card, but we specifically said we didn't want any gifts as we're very settled and genuinely just want people to arrive, eat and drink and celebrate our day with us.

We did say if people wanted to 'mark our day with a token' they could possibly consider donating whatever they feel comfortable to one of the charities that are close to our heart - that way, something 'good' can also be done, and I think a few people are going to do that

Even UK weddings can be expensive to get to and stay over, so we didn't want anyone to stress or worry about costs.

I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where the couple specifically stated no presents.. Then they complained people hadn't bought presents!! I worked with the bride's mum and she said they'd only said no presents to be polite. Argh.

(I did actually get them a gift but they didn't get it until a couple of weeks later as I had to see what something was like at the wedding for it to work).

I just think it's a shame that 2 weeks later, this is what you have took from your wedding day.

Was it a lovely wedding? We're the people you love there to share your special day?

If so, what more can you wish for. Material stuff is bullshit compared to that.