AIBU to think parenting a wilful child can be really miserable?

[Hackedoffwithit]

I have namechanged so I can say what I want without reproach.

I'm so tired of parenting a wilful 7 year old DS. I have tried so many approaches, so many ways of parenting him - we have had SO many discussions about it that I can hardly bear to talk about it with DP again - and I have taken so much on board about my own personality, my failings and made huge efforts to overcome whatever I'm contributing to it... and yet...it gets us nowhere.

He's a great kid - funny, bright, emotionally really astute. But he's also utterly disrespectful to me quite a lot (far more than DP), unmovable once he wants something and if denied, can go on and on and on and on - never giving up - which is so exhausting and makes me want to shoot myself. And sometimes he's rude a lot to me, at home and out, so rude that despite taking the approach of asking him gently to 'be nice, use a nice tone,' I want to scream in his face that I'm his mum, show some respect.

Today I had enough and snapped after several things. Sent him to bed without reading. He was upset but even though he understood why, he couldn't let go of the fact that we'd denied him reading time. He's apologised but only because he really wants to read. He's still calling out about it now, 45 mins on.

When he's good, he's AMAZING. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love him to bits.

But I find him so challenging and such hard work. It's just really upsetting. I feel stuck in treacle with it.

yanbu.

Sorry I don’t have any advice.

Sounds like Autisum!

Or ODD

Look them up and see what fits

I don’t have any advice, just sympathy. My dd is a relentless negotiatior and sometimes I want to scream ‘I said no, no means no’.

My dh and friends have said that I’m not consistently tough enough at saying no and following through with the tantrum, but I have a dd2 who is nowhere near determined.

My point is - i reckon they’ll be very successful in life, and some of this is hardwired personality type stuff, so there is only so much you can change with pare ting tactics.

Do you get enough breaks? You sound worn down.

no advice, you are doing something really tough.

my only question is a daft one - who else has been involved apart from you and your dh? what help have you had?

Have you looked at PDA?

? That was quick. There are children with a strong willpower and focus who are not autistic. Please release the need to pigeonhole and label everyone.

No advice as I am in the same boat with a 4yo but yanbu. I regularly want to scream out "i choose death" or something to that effect . Then he is asleep and I miss him. The brute. Gin is the answer.. with lots of popcorn ..

I’m in the same boat. I could have written most of your post. I am absolutely dreading the teenage years.

YANBU it's bloody hard work. Everything with DD is a negotiation, it's draining!! I have no advice I just feel your pain

No actual advice but why do you stop him reading before bed as a punishment? I've seen that a few times on mumsnet recently

parenting isn't easy. only the most complaint of children would respond to 'use a nice tone' ime anyway 😂

Mine is like this op- same age. It is bloody relentless. I am seeing some small signs of humanity in there though if I squint

Yes, stubbornness is hard work. But children tend to know how far they can go with an adult. You say your DS behaves better for your DH tha he does for you, which shows that, somehow, he knows that he can get away with more with you. So, if he keeps going on and on there must be a part of him thinking knowing somewhere that if he keeps going long enough he'll wear you down.

Sorry if that is a bit harsh, but I have an acquaintance whose boy the description above would fit to a tee, but he knows that she will give in eventually, but instead of dealing with it (I have when he was in my home and he became a very well-behaved boy when I took charge of him) she just gave in when he ran too far away or moaned long enough.

Any siblings for the DS, OP?

Please release the need to pigeonhole and label everyone

This!

for you OP. The bit of your OP that jumped at me was “my failings”. Who told you you were failing? Because that’s a really strong and not very kind thing to say.

Hold the line is my only advice! Keep the boundaries and they will gradually improve. My firstborn DS was like this and such hard work. He is nearly 12 and things are soo much easier and he is now a delight really. Don't ever give in and they eventually will. But, yes, it is damn hard. I remember holidays were the worst. Spent days inside until he finally agreed to wear sun cream. No probs with that now though! 😁

I sometimes don’t allow reading before bed because bedtime reading is a right that is permitted if there is time.
There isn’t time if someone has been resisting every single bloody step (won’t go to the toilet, won’t get in bath, won’t get out of bath, won’t brush teeth etc). It’s a simple matter of immediate logical consequences. My 4 yr old understands it. We still cuddle and have a song.

We’re not restricting general reading, he can read during any of his free time and we read throughout the day with him.

I could have written your post OP! My DC1, who is about the same age is the same as your DS. It's very wearing sometimes.

(Just an explanation of our own position for upside)

Yanbu I feel your pain, mine is 6 yrs old and there have been lots of times I’d have thrown the towel in given half the chance

You have my sympathy.
I have 2 DDs. The oldest was a nightmare at 7/8. It was the worst age - worse than the toddler stage as we never really had the terrible two's and way worse than the teenage years (she's now 16).
She was extremely willfull and really knew how to push my buttons. It was really wearing, but we got through it and she is a lovely teen.
My advice would be (and this is easier said than done) :
Do not shout, and do not enter arguments. It takes 2 to argue.
When he starts remind him that it is not acceptable. Tell him that if he doesn't do what you ask by the time you count to 5 the consequence will be....and stick to it everytime. If he complains repeat he was warned and he should learn from it.
Next time when you give a warning add in remember what happened last time.
We had a time when I would send her to her room to write out 2 sides of A4 "I will not..." This is very boring and seemed to work quite well. I could have a peaceful coffee while she wrote, and she'd come down with a sheet and an apology.
It is exhausting though, and again my sympathy.

So, if he keeps going on and on there must be a part of him thinking knowing somewhere that if he keeps going long enough he'll wear you down

Not necessarily true. My oldest DC goes on and on and on and one when she feels she has been unjustly treated. In her whole life (she's now a teenager) this has never once achieved the outcome she desires, and in fact has on several occasions resulted in further sanctions. When she's not in one of those moods I can talk to her about it and she acknowledges that she knows it is never going to work and is only likely to make things worse. However in the moment it doesn't stop here going on and on and on.

I get it. My five year old is off to bed with no story. He is the loveliest boy, but today he's had tantrum after tantrum, wilfully not listened to any requests or instructions, then finished by slamming his bedroom door in my face.

I hate hearing myself. I hate shouting at his little face.

Call me old fashioned but have you tried losing it with him? I don’t mean to suggest violence in any level but your son needs to get clear feedback that he is utterly unreasonable and that his actions are having a huge impact on you. Wider society won’t ask him to be nice etc and maybe seeing you’re hurt and frustrated could be the shock he needs? How does you DH discipline?

Just adding - I found it worked when she was screaming that she hated me to smile and say "but I love you so much, even when you behave like this I really love you.Your behaviour is not acceptable but I love you" then walk away.