AIBU to think parenting a wilful child can be really miserable?

[Hackedoffwithit]

I have namechanged so I can say what I want without reproach.

I'm so tired of parenting a wilful 7 year old DS. I have tried so many approaches, so many ways of parenting him - we have had SO many discussions about it that I can hardly bear to talk about it with DP again - and I have taken so much on board about my own personality, my failings and made huge efforts to overcome whatever I'm contributing to it... and yet...it gets us nowhere.

He's a great kid - funny, bright, emotionally really astute. But he's also utterly disrespectful to me quite a lot (far more than DP), unmovable once he wants something and if denied, can go on and on and on and on - never giving up - which is so exhausting and makes me want to shoot myself. And sometimes he's rude a lot to me, at home and out, so rude that despite taking the approach of asking him gently to 'be nice, use a nice tone,' I want to scream in his face that I'm his mum, show some respect.

Today I had enough and snapped after several things. Sent him to bed without reading. He was upset but even though he understood why, he couldn't let go of the fact that we'd denied him reading time. He's apologised but only because he really wants to read. He's still calling out about it now, 45 mins on.

When he's good, he's AMAZING. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love him to bits.

But I find him so challenging and such hard work. It's just really upsetting. I feel stuck in treacle with it.

And yyyy to those who have pointed out that humans are not animals (as if it needed to be said!)

If any consolation I suspect that one trait shared by we long suffering parents of explosive kids is a high degree of intellectual curiosity/learning potential - I know that causes issues as child is capable of noticing so much but isn’t yet able to grasp it all so becomes overwhelmed. So many questions, trying to understand the world and all the concepts and moral questions, starting to see injustices and how so much of what goes on in the world is illogical ... it’s exhausting.

As an adult I have discovered meditation, in particular “empty mind”. I will certainly be making my DC aware of such techniques. Would have helped me at an earlier age.

High and mighty- thanks so much, very helpful. Also very interesting. I find these strategies also work well on my ds, especially now I ve been saying about consequences rather than a specific consequence which he would not care about. You're totally right about saying he can't do something he asks for rather than taking something away like Lego. Ds didn't care if toys were taken away. I am not very good at being consistent with them though and revert back to other ways of discipline so much try harder with that.

Your ds sounds similar to mind as I ve found a really change in behaviour since making a responsibility chart for him rather than a behaviour one. It's got pretty much the same targets but worded differently and we chose what to put on there together, what his aim was and what his reward would be. He certainly likes responsibility and is eager to please with this.

@Mistigri ouch! That makes for a very funny mental image, but I imagine it was quite distressing in real life!

@1981 I love the idea of a responsibility chart - that sounds amazing! Can you tell me more?

We chose what to put on together. Ds is only 5 so simple things, it's also for behaviour but he doesn't know it as it's presented as a help chart. It focuses on the things he struggled with. So things on there include; getting changed straight away from school uniform, putting dirty clothes in wash, clean in wardrobe, helping to tidy up, putting clothes/shoes away, getting ready for bed nicely, following instructions first time, putting things in dishwasher, helping cook. He gets stars, instead of no treat/treat he gets different levels of treats for how many stars he gets. So he is more motivated than the I achieve able. As he gets older I intend to change/ add more responsibility

Fiddly I can't throw my 3 year old over my shoulder if he's not complying- I simply don't have the strength to actually keep him safe. It's also not always possible to wear out a tantrum or to abandon your shopping and go back home, sometimes things just need to get done and they need to be done in a certain time frame.

Not to mention you're actually modeling aggressive behaviour which will be then copied and the cycle will keep on repeating.

I actually admire my DS's arrogance and self confidence in a way, it's just exhausting and absolutely needs managing and refining, not getting rid of as such.

However, I'm glad this thread is active again, I was thinking about it yesterday when I was considering how much bloody effort it took to make him walk nicely next to me without holding my hand constantly.

Now if I could just get him to stop replying 'because I did' whenever I ask him why he's done something... sigh

Wow, a lots been said since I last posted.

My daughter's Sen is autism. She's very intelligent and articulate. She's also large, she's not quite 11, started puberty a while ago and is taller than her nan.

There's no 'overpowering' her - for some years now you'd have to use so much force you would be physically abusing her. She last bit me when she was 8. You know what? I apologised when we were both calm for putting her in a situation where she was so stressed out and she apologized for being violent. She knows it's wrong. She can't always control her responses but she tries.

Giving boundaries is needed but she's so literal and bloody minded that it's like arguing with a lawyer if I haven't worded it perfectly and precisely to explicitly cover every variation.

The thing that really works, is not arguing. Saying my piece, and not engaging with the raging. Giving her physical space to calm down in. Trying to 'get the better of her' or break her down in the moment or whatever is futile - the more you attempt to quash her the harder she fights. And then everyone feels like shit.