AIBU to think parenting a wilful child can be really miserable?

[Hackedoffwithit]

I have namechanged so I can say what I want without reproach.

I'm so tired of parenting a wilful 7 year old DS. I have tried so many approaches, so many ways of parenting him - we have had SO many discussions about it that I can hardly bear to talk about it with DP again - and I have taken so much on board about my own personality, my failings and made huge efforts to overcome whatever I'm contributing to it... and yet...it gets us nowhere.

He's a great kid - funny, bright, emotionally really astute. But he's also utterly disrespectful to me quite a lot (far more than DP), unmovable once he wants something and if denied, can go on and on and on and on - never giving up - which is so exhausting and makes me want to shoot myself. And sometimes he's rude a lot to me, at home and out, so rude that despite taking the approach of asking him gently to 'be nice, use a nice tone,' I want to scream in his face that I'm his mum, show some respect.

Today I had enough and snapped after several things. Sent him to bed without reading. He was upset but even though he understood why, he couldn't let go of the fact that we'd denied him reading time. He's apologised but only because he really wants to read. He's still calling out about it now, 45 mins on.

When he's good, he's AMAZING. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love him to bits.

But I find him so challenging and such hard work. It's just really upsetting. I feel stuck in treacle with it.

Oh I said all that, and I've just read back and seen that a pp said it so much better:

You simply can't back down. Stuck record technique. I said no. I said no. I said no.

I'm a great believer in explaining things to kids, but with this type of child there's almost no point, because no explanation is going to be as satisfying as getting their own way. You need to be extremely boring and extremely repetitive. Over as long as it takes until it sinks in that they can't lever you away from your position. Disengage from their pleas and attempts to negotiate. It does sink in eventually. My child is older now and although still strong willed and stubborn, absolutely knows I will follow through and behaves very well most of the time.

and also this:

I disagree with the idea that this difference is a fault of the parent that's getting 'it'. I'm by far the more severe and consistent disciplinarian and she never, ever wins (except if she's very clever with sarcasm/wit, in which case I might laugh, high-5 her and diffuse it). I think these children crave boundaries and are deliberately goading the parent that will most satisfy that need. Perhaps the OP is doing all the right things.

You have to accept that kids who are upset do say awful things - I hate you, you are the worst mum in the world etc. What they are doig is expressing their anger in the ony way they know how, by hurting you. Of course you follow up when they are calm, but the fatc that they shout it, doesn't mean you shouldn't enforce the boundary

A couple of months ago ds told us very calmly and sadly that he really didn't like us at all. It was a very sad moment, after we had refused to let him have all night x box or something.
Last week, he told me that he really did love me so much, because I did and end of holiday special dinner of pizza and coke and let him eat it in front of the x box.
One extreme to the other. Not much has changed in between!

A few of you have said they kept pushing and pushing and you ‘wanted to scream out I said NO! It means NO!’. Maybe you need to occasionally?

I find it amazing that people think you have to be inhumanly patient as a parent. Where are these children going to learn that pushing people over and over leads to an angry person....

I have to back down sometimes. No point in standing my ground if it makes me late for work / dinner burns / I need the loo (bowel problems).

I've said DP is very clear and firm

Be like him then.

My daughter is the same very strong willed.
She has been very difficult to parent at times but is also very kind and has a strong sense what is fair and right.
She is now nearly nine and seems to be getting slightly easier.she will listen better and I'm able to reason with her which is something that before would never have happened.
I think as she matures more she will become easier.
I comfort myself with the fact that she will never be walked over and has a strong sense of who she is and she will always stick up for what is right.
Children who are strong willed can go on to become successful adults as these traits are admired in adults but not so much in children who some feel are meant to be obedient

Gottagetmoving - you make it sound easy. Do you not think I've tried? The reason he can do it that way easily is because he is who he is - if that makes sense. I struggle. But I'm constantly trying to change

If you and DP are disrespectful to each other in front of him you need to change that.

warning chart

Have you tried these OP? Apologies if you have. Basically there’s a “medal” at the top that says Well Done, so you start each day with the medal being there. There are 3 warning cards, if all 3 are used they lose the medal. (Only for the day though, it’s not continued).

We also have reward jars with little stars, so if there are no warnings used they get a star. Plus stars for other things during the day.

My kids are autistic which is why I hit on the idea of using a visual tactic, but it’s a hit! Since the first week they’ve not lost a medal. Not because I’m supermum, but because they actively want to keep the medal and gain a star. It might be worth a shot?

I watched the “Violent Child, Desperate Parents” program and although your DS isn’t violent, I think it had some very good info, advice and points to make about “spirited” or hard to handle children in general. I would recommend watching it. I found it useful even though my dc is not violent either, but does have “spirited/challenging/opinionated”etc moments.

Try saying no and meaning it OP. Try ignoring and withdrawing.

Oh and for the star jar I read somewhere that you shouldn’t ever remove a star for negative behaviour because then that means their good behaviour is outweighed by the negative iyswim?

despite taking the approach of asking him gently to 'be nice, use a nice tone,' I want to scream in his face that I'm his mum, show some respect

What on earth is wrong with screaming in his face that you are his mum and he should show some respect? Does your DP show you respect?

I find exercising him like a springer spaniel helps

YY I find this with my DD (6). She needs exercising more than the bloody dog does, otherwise she goes manic and starts arguements just to let off steam. She knows she is getting into trouble but just can't seem to stop herself.

I have got better at recognising the early signs and getting her out for a run around the park but sometimes she reaches critical mass and its too late. We all end up in tears (and the dog hides).

Being a mum is a tough often thankless job. You deserve respect and you need to stand up to this child and not let him continue to be obnoxious to you.

Op just let go! The mire you dig in the more he does.

Are you always positive round him eg.. Please don't snatch you never snatch your life good boy..

Your such a good boy, good boys don't shout.. And then heap praise on him.. Start to lead him away.

Eg at school gate.. Shall we see if we can be super good all the rest of today and then tomorrow wood you like a magazine?

If you have any holidays booked look on them as a way to break this dead lock and change things up. Your all in a war of attrition and dc change all the time.

Break rut, start afresh

I don't believe in breaking a child's will abd they understand far more than we give then credit for.

I get dc to do stuff by other means than a will on will show down. Eg posters who jump straight in with physical restraint because their dc have temporarily gone off tooth brushing!!

I have backed off for the last few days then cone back from different angle.

Stop being so bloody polite OP!

Also a PP mentioned not telling dcs off when in public/at friends etc. I have taken my dc off to the furthest point/outside/upstairs to the bathroom to give them a detailed talking to when required. You just have to say “excuse us a minute” and go off, you don’t have to do the big discussion/stand off in front of everyone else. You can feel under pressure to “win” or get the dc to obviously defer, for the benefit of an audience, when it’s better to be thinking along the lines of resolving the situation.

And ideally include the dc in forming the plan of resolving the situation too, as long-term the idea is that they learn to self-regulate rather than the “do bad - get told off” cycle.

I disagree about publicly embarrassing them. This categorically doesn't work for mine - he just becomes more entrenched in his position, whatever it is. Obviously, because I am very far from a perfect parent, I have still done it lots - but it never has the desired effect.

Similarly, 123 has never worked for us. Whatever consequence I'm threatening, he gets himself to the point where he genuinely doesn't care about it (although he may well care later when he has calmed down).

I basically found that treating him like a rather obnoxious colleague worked best.

I am laughing like a drain- at the post saying 'try saying No and meaning it

Does that poster honestly honestly think Hacked hasn't done that repeatedly on and on and on? 'No' is not a magic word that all children adhere to! My DD had every which way to disregard 'No'. It was a straight simple battle of wills. Who could hang on the longest and mean it. It had to be me. I made it me. But the battle to get there was exhausting.

I agree with a lot of what Steppemum says. And I do think these strong willed kids today are tomorrow's leaders. It honestly would not surprise me what my DD became because she can argue her way in and out of a paper bag, with no one there

Leaders? Really? Being rude and bad mannered makes you a leader... Oh hold on a minute (thinks of current parliament)

I’m going to come back and RTFT because it looks like there’s some fab advice but just wanted to say...

Oh yes yes and yes again. My 5 year old. I’m constantly aware that if I don’t at least try to channel her wilfulness in the right way she will be leading gangs in prison, not leading teams at work. And my little one is only a few months but already I can tell she’s going to be the same if not worse. And finally, I know it is just the way it is (no labels here!) because they get it from me. I am exactly the same

you make it sound easy. Do you not think I've tried? The reason he can do it that way easily is because he is who he is - if that makes sense. I struggle. But I'm constantly trying to change

Yes, sorry, I know it's not easy if that's not who you are.
I had to completely change the way I was with my daughter when she was 14. I had to lay down firm boundaries and at times it made me cry. It was harder on me than her and she upped her game at first but it worked. I had to stop making excuses for her and backing down and not feel sorry for her being upset....she lay that one on quite thickly...I was 'ruining her life' !!

Yes to resolving - but TBH - and fingers crossed we really ARE out of the territory of needing this! - I am a bit anxious to try getting him to come with me/take him off on his own to talk to him etc in case I can't keep his attention and it just undermines my authority even more! Removing him from the situation was possible when he was three because I could physically pick him up - by seven - no.

I made a video of him once when he was six because we'd been out for a bit longer than expected, I was taking him home on the tram on my own and he must have just hit his limit. So he suddenly had to stand on the floor, them climb (with knees) on the seat, then crouch on the floor, and repeat this, while bobbing up and down. And then demand to play I Spy with my Little eye, Eye Sye With my Big Eye, Eye Spy with my Orange Eye and all number of incomprehensible versions, none of which he explained or actually played, while singing a song, and saying "Mummy, mummy, mummy" every time he felt I wasn't giving this nonsense sufficient attention. O_O it was exhausting and I just had no more energy left to deal with it so I videoed him and put it on facebook. Not to shame him or anything, just as a kind of "Is this even normal??" solidarity call! I had previously made him get off the tram and walk when he couldn't sit still but that time I just wanted to get home ASAP.