Dp thinking of buying house... With his mum.

[OhWhatAPalaver]

Dp & I are in no position to buy a house unfortunately. His mum however is willing to sell her house and buy with us as long as it has an annex she can live in. However she won't have the house in my name in case me and dp split up. So the house would just belong to dp and his mum.
I'm in two minds about the whole thing. On the plus side we would live somewhere a million times better than where we are now and save money. But on the other hand, if we did split up, I'd have bugger all.... Wwyd?

What about when YOU'RE 66? Where's your security. You and your DP are a team, and you should both be on those deeds. You're the mother of his children FFS.

What Jenny17 said. Exactly.

OP putting the current difficulties with your relationship to one side for the moment. You need legal advice to safeguard your position and your children's position. If your DP won't agree to seek independent legal advice to ensure all 3 of your are protected then he probably already has other ideas about the future.

When I said all 3 I meant you, DP and his mother which should include what happens if she needs to care in the future

But from the sound of it they already have different assets as they aren't married. I can't see why her Dp would gift her his assets when they have a shaky relationship.

Could this not be an opportunity for you to save some money toward your own future? I'd ask to put in half the bills but nothing else. And then save what you would have spent on rent. Your DP and his mother will be making an investment and putting themselves in a better financial position. You should be afforded the same opportunity without mixing assets. Then if it doesn't work you will have a pot of money to set out on your own.

Does anyone think if I went along with it with a view to paying nothing and saving up for myself for security then it could perhaps work in the short term? Or should I just get out now and leave them to it. I really don't know what's best at this point. It doesn't help that I have never owned a home and dp has (with his ex) so his knowledge on the subject is grater than mine. He is still bitter about the fact that his ex got half of 'his' previous house... Doesn't bode well does it :(

HouseMouse, that is probably the only conceivable way it would work. Don't know if they'd go for that though. Dp doesn't particularly have assets either. We'd be hugely reliant on his mum's cash to even get a deposit secured so part of me wonders if the whole thing doable anyway.

Jam, they aren't a team! They came close to splitting up. I can understand the reluctance of him and his mum. Op, I think it's fine as long as you save up so you have security for yourself

OP, could you afford the rent where you are if he left? I think I'd be inclined to stay where I was if possible and let him move (and furnish the new place with his Mummy).
If at some point in the future you both decided you wanted to live together again then you could work out a sensible plan for both of you. But you wouldn't have given up a secure home to go to a place where you have no real rights. I think this would also be the least disruptive way to split (since splitting up seems on the cards anyway) for your children.

These replies are confusing. The OP just wants his mother to GIVE HER half of her house. Because neither of them are putting in any money. So they are really just moving in with their MIL who then, despite paying for EVERYTHING, is moving into a tiny annexe. That's crazy! It's a terrible deal for his mum.

OP's DP's Mum: if you are on mumsnet, do not do this. Both your son and his DP seem very ungrateful for what would be a huge sacrifice for you.

OP, these drip feeds are beyond annoying! The more you post the more it becomes clear that you're never going to have a stake in that house, although I'm not convinced that you should expect one anyway.

Everything you say points pretty clearly to this relationship having run its course. If I were you I'd start making plans for life without your partner, just as he appears to be doing.

I can understand the MIL's wishes as she needs to protect herself. However you really need to think about your future and to not enter an agreement that could be detrimental to your future plans. You have an awful lot to consider - financial, emotional and practical.

From my own experience it is quite easy to be swept along with someone's "great idea" of living together, but it is very hard to then remove yourself from it if it all goes wrong or if you just want to change the way you live. Imagine yourself in 10/15 years from now when MIL will be a lot older, maybe have health problems, more set in her ways and reluctant to make any major changes. You may want to live somewhere else or not share with her (which are perfectly normal things to do), but you could find it very difficult to make any sort of change without causing huge upset.

Being cynical...

If your DP sees no long term future with you, is he gearing up to get 'custody' of the DC by being able to offer a home with built in MIL childcare?

If you decide to separate, will you have the money to rent somewhere large enough for you and DC?

I woud only do this as a short term savings for YOU. You pay no more than half the bills for the house (not the annexe). You save money you would have otherwise spent on rent on building up a fund for you to move out with the DC. It sounds as if you will need it.

" just get more and more promotions at work "

Oh yeah, the MN 'just get a great job' advice. If it was that simple, we'd all be doing it. Plenty of jobs just don't lead to promotions.

If and when you leave Right there, OP.

Tbh, I see his DM’s point of view, you aren’t married or even that secure in your relationship so it would be unwise to jeopardise her own security by making the house a three way split. After all, she will be the only one putting actual capital in by the sound of things.

But your DP shouldn’t even be considering it and the fact that he is tells you everything you need to know.

Oh, and my DH is 66, he isn’t ready to be confined to an annex yet so don’t bank on her keeping herself to herself. Nor should she, actually, since she will own the main part of the house too.

Do NOT pay rent for a house you didn’t choose, won’t have any say in, and have to share with someone else.

We would not be ungrateful for his mum's contributions, they could create a much better place for us to live. She doesn't want to grow old living alone and she wants us to help with her care when she is older and dp is fine with this. My issue is not with his mum as I do understand where she's coming from but I wasn't sure if it is a sensible option for me.

Does anyone think if I went along with it with a view to paying nothing and saving up for myself for security then it could perhaps work in the short term?

But it won’t be short term, at least for them. It’s a permanent arrangement. Are you saying that you accept the relationship is over and are going to pretend it isn’t until you’ve amassed a leaving fund?

That won’t end well.

Well his DM is being upfront about her requirements which is good, but have either of you any idea about what caring for an elderly person actually involves? Please, please research this properly if you are even considering it as an option.

You can’t save for yourself in this way. The most you’d ever be saving is a deposit for a property and if it didn’t stretch to that, one for a rental and furniture. When people buy houses, they tend to go up in value. Over the long term at least. Not so with savings, where interest rates are a pittance right now. And whilst you’re busy putting away the equivalent each month that he pays on the mortgage, he’s also paying off equity.

OP - aargh NO and NO. Don’t do it.

Op when you say he’s fine with helping with her care she is older - just checking you mean he is fine to do this care? And that he’s not signing you up for it. Also while you’re name might not be on the deeds, is he going to need your name/Income to secure the mortgage? If so I’d be v worried that you’d be facing debt for a property ou don’t even have a legal right to.

Sounds like you're being volunteered for the 'caring for aged parent' with no security for yourself.

Make plans to be a single parent. DP's mother will help with childcare if you live nearby, I'm sure.

We would not be ungrateful for his mum's contributions, they could create a much better place for us to live. She doesn't want to grow old living alone and she wants us to help with her care when she is older and dp is fine with this. My issue is not with his mum as I do understand where she's coming from but I wasn't sure if it is a sensible option for me.

Yes but you do realise don't you, that even if you stayed together, you'd be the muggins that'd be looking after his mum, right?? Get out and get out fast. It's time for you to start calling some shots and standing on your own two feet. No part of this situation takes you into account and you'll never realise your dream of owning somewhere if you won't make it happen yourself!

I'm not surprised your DP thinks this is a great idea! If you stay together he can volunteer you for the job of caring for his Mum in her old age but if he decides to end the relationship he can just order you to leave at any time and will owe you nothing. Meanwhile he has the comfort and security of the house being in his name whatever happens. From his perspective, this is a 'win win'.

He claims it's only his Mum who doesn't want your name on the deeds but I wouldn't be so sure. The "if and when you leave" comment is pretty telling.

she wants us to help with her care when she is older

Ah, you're being set up as the live-in help with no rights.