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Original poster

Dp thinking of buying house... With his mum.

219 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 14/04/2018 17:35

Dp & I are in no position to buy a house unfortunately. His mum however is willing to sell her house and buy with us as long as it has an annex she can live in. However she won't have the house in my name in case me and dp split up. So the house would just belong to dp and his mum.
I'm in two minds about the whole thing. On the plus side we would live somewhere a million times better than where we are now and save money. But on the other hand, if we did split up, I'd have bugger all.... Wwyd?

OP posts:
snewname · 14/04/2018 19:21

If you divorced would he get custody based on he has a house and built in childcare?

snewname · 14/04/2018 19:22

Split up even. Sorry no marriage.

MayCatt · 14/04/2018 19:22

I think yoyo1234 makes a lot of very valid points OP.

This is a decision that will negatively impact you financially for many years to come and only serves to benefit your MIL. I would push back hard.

If your DP doesn't support you in this and isn't concerned about how this negatively affects you then it tells you all you need to know about what the future with him and your MiIL would be like Hmm

Also, if you do go ahead with the three of you on a mortgage I would have a solicitor add a clause to ensure that if 1 of you wants to sell then the other has to sell or buy then out. The last thing you want is for it not be working with MIL but to be stuck living with her (or equally for her to be stuck with you both).

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2018 19:24

Not married, rocky relationship? Sounds like they're pushing you out. Don't pay anything towards it.

Bluelady · 14/04/2018 19:25

If you're not paying rent, it will give you the opportunity to squirrel money away towards a deposit if you have to find a place of your own. It also gives you, hopefully, incredibly convenient childcare. Will it be mortgage free?

Cuppaoftea · 14/04/2018 19:28

No way.

They'll be making all the decisions regarding the house and you won't have a say. Your relationship won't be equal at all.

If your MIL decides the dog can have the run of the house will your partner stand up to her? I'd doubt it, she can just say it's 'her house'.

If you split they could tell you to leave but keep the children living with them at least until you find somewhere.

You'll have no rights at all, don't do it. Look for somewhere to rent yourself where you'll have rights and some protection as a named tenant.

pigsDOfly · 14/04/2018 19:28

Reading your update OP, you sound in a very precarious position.

You have two DC with him and they are not going to expect you to pay much rent? Good of them.

Hmm. Run now.

travailtotravel · 14/04/2018 19:31

OP. This deposit you have for this house that won't be yours. How was that saved? By you or your partner? Or both of you? Was your partner only able to save it while you stayed at home looking after his children? Do you see why I'm asking This?

Branleuse · 14/04/2018 19:34

Another reason id possibly go along with it, is that the house would still go to the children later, even if it didnt go to me

MonkeyPoke · 14/04/2018 19:37
  1. If you move you'd own as much house as you do now so that would't be an issue.
  1. I'd rather live in a tiny flat that with extended family.
AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2018 19:37

I'll add to my previous post:

In your situation, I would insist on some sort of rental/tenancy contract. If you're in a 'rocky relationship' and are not on the house, I'd want some legal protection to prohibit being tossed out on my ear. If you're a legal tenant/lodger at least you'd have to be served notice and would have time to find another place.

And if you are in a 'rocky relationship' I can also understand DP's hesitancy in buying a house and putting your name on it, sorry.

OldGuard · 14/04/2018 19:37

Ugh - sounds like they are setting you up - they have the house and when he decides the relationship is untenable he gets to stay in the house with his mum (it’s not like he’d leave and you would live with his mum) and then he gets the house the kids and the childcare and you are left looking for a place with no funds to speak of

Don’t do this

tillytown · 14/04/2018 19:38

Sounds like a bad deal for you and the kids.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 19:38

The two children & rocky relationship would have been useful in your OP 🙄

In that case, it’s a BIG FAT NO from me.

You need to play MUCH smarter than this if your relationship is on the rocks and you have two kids.

What he does if you split up is up to him, but you’d be MAD to agree to this now.

OldGuard · 14/04/2018 19:39

And if your relationship is already rocky, adding his mum and a crazy dog into the mix isn’t going to improve it

Whocansay · 14/04/2018 19:41

From your POV this is a terrible idea. You will have no power and no say. It will leave you in an incredibly vulnerable position.

Aside from that, do you really want to live with your MIL? Even if you get on, that could strain the relationship hugely.

It sounds like your OH does not view your relationship as an equal partnership. I suspect this is his way of easing you out.

I can't believe that he would expect you, the mother of his children, to pay rent. What a prince.

C8H10N4O2 · 14/04/2018 19:46

we have two children,

You have children, have been together some years and yet you are not considered sufficiently 'partner' to share a family asset (your/DP part I mean, not DM's)?

You are in an extremely precarious position and I'm not seeing why you and DP would not share ownership of your portion of the house. You would be contributing to it even without paying rent by providing the childcare and/or money for bills.

Its an awful arrangement from your PoV. If you split I'd be worried about both home and ability to house the children - as pp have said. Its almost as if the plan has that in mind - are you sure he wants to continue this relationship?

Its

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 19:47

Branleuse
The house won’t necessarily go to the children. Especially if he has more children. I do get what you mean though. Personally I think it’s really shit that they’re so happy to put the mother of his children and her grandchildren in such a precarious position.

Kingsclerelass · 14/04/2018 19:56

The other thing to consider is that if your mil needs residential care in the future, your dp will have to sell so she can pay for her care. The council won't wait if there is a young family living in it.
It's a terrible idea.
Suggest your mil buys somewhere close but not living in or attached. If your dp says no, I would seriously consider whether he is setting up to end the relationship.

CoolCarrie · 14/04/2018 20:00

Don’t do it for all the above reasons.
We had his mother living in an annex, and she has no boundaries at all. We moved over 1000 miles away to finally get away from her.
Put your children’s needs and your own first, and don’t do this.

lalalalyra · 14/04/2018 20:05

Wow lots of replies... Lots saying run a mile!! Which was my initial thought...
Bit of background, we have two children, no savings to speak of really and unlikely to get married. In fact, we almost split up last month so things aren't exactly rosy... We are trying to make it work though. I'm tempted to just tell him to do it if he wants but don't expect me to much pay rent.
I get on with his mum well, she's 66 but she lives alone with a dog. Dog would absolutely not be allowed in the house as she's nuts and our youngest is not yet 2. So I imagine she would spend most of her time in the annex with the dog. I hope...

On this basis - no. Absolutely no.

You would be completely vulnerable if you split up. You'd have no power to compel him to leave, and could be problematic if he decided he wanted to be the resident parent.

Also, there's no way that dog will be kept away from your children as much as you'd wnat - presumably you'd be sharing a garden?

Tbh it sounds to me more like an effort to protect whatever money he/you have in his benefit in the event you split up.

PositivelyPERF · 14/04/2018 20:14

Do you think that your relationship might improve if you’re living in a nicer house and area, OP? Being unhappy with your home can’t be helping, or does it run deeper?

Serin · 14/04/2018 20:14

Absolutely no way.
Pay Rent!!!
How fucking insulting.
I don't know what the solution is for you OP but there is no way this arrangement is favourable to you.

redshoeblueshoe · 14/04/2018 20:16

Due to your update - No way

sheldonesque · 14/04/2018 20:16

Been here. Done that. DP's mother not in the same house - or annexe- but did not want me in her home when he worked overseas. Despite me being with her son for 10 years. My partner did not understand what my problem was. The relationship died.

Had to return home to parents or be homeless.

I was just not his priority. It took me an age to realise that I never was.

You, as the mother of his children, deserve better.

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