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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp thinking of buying house... With his mum.

219 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 14/04/2018 17:35

Dp & I are in no position to buy a house unfortunately. His mum however is willing to sell her house and buy with us as long as it has an annex she can live in. However she won't have the house in my name in case me and dp split up. So the house would just belong to dp and his mum.
I'm in two minds about the whole thing. On the plus side we would live somewhere a million times better than where we are now and save money. But on the other hand, if we did split up, I'd have bugger all.... Wwyd?

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 14/04/2018 18:44

Their house, you'll be a lodger with no rights but be expected to care for her in her annex in her old age, if you say no you'll be ungrateful for all they have done for you, no way hosé

Joanna57 · 14/04/2018 18:46

What on earth has a MIL got to do with this?

There is no MIL.

I would have done this with my MIL.

And my DD, with her DH, are thinking of doing this with us in the near future.

No annex though. We'll just all live in one big house.

Slightly different in the sense that we'll be selling our house, they'll be selling theirs, and we will jointly buy a house together.

Planning will start early next year :)

OliviaStabler · 14/04/2018 18:46

Hell would freeze over before I even considered this.

Me too

AngelsSins · 14/04/2018 18:50

To those saying it would be just the same as renting, it absolutely isn't. If you're renting, you get a lot of legal protection. Living with her boyfriend and his mother in their house, she would get none.

BlueLady, you say if you rent, you don't expect a share in your landlords house, and you're right. But you are entitled to notice, legal protection, repair works, privacy etc, all of which, she wouldn't have in this situation.

PickAChew · 14/04/2018 18:53

I would wish them a very happy life together.

Tenants in common would protect you but would also be a pita if neither could afford to buy you out if you split up.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 18:53

It depends on too many unknown factors to simply say yes or no.

I do think she is doing the right thing for her though. She’s looking to secure somewhere possibly until she dies and I would totally understand that now. Maybe not so much when I was younger or before helping my Mum choose her ‘last’ house. Try not to take it personally.

IF I thought I could live with her being in the Annex for the next 10/20/30 years (depending on her age/health), then there arecways to sort it so that financially & emotionally you are an equal.

However, I think the main thing is first of all to decide if individually & together you are prepared to make the commitment to living in the house until she dies (if that’s what she wants). It’s a much bigger & inflexible, commitment than most anything else.

C8H10N4O2 · 14/04/2018 18:55

I wouldn't agree to this - if you/DP were buying somewhere jointly you would both be on the deeds. If you are working or a SAHM you are contributing to the house without the return you would expect if jointly buying with DP.

His DM can protect her own contribution. You need an agreement such that she owns X% and you/DP own Y% based on contributions. You also need an agreement on rights and responsibilities when one side wants to sell eg a split, children or DM needs. I've known a few families do this as parents age. Get legal advice - all of you. It may be that she genuinely doesn't understand the options and wants to protect her own investment.

The other question is do you want to be in close proximity to his DM? Particularly if she wants you excluded whilst you contributing and thereby subsidising their investment.

PositivelyPERF · 14/04/2018 18:55

Maybe this is a reverse and the OP is now sitting, thinking “aw fuck, I’ll never get her to agree now”! 😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2018 18:56

You need legal advice. No way would I do this without having some kind of vested interest to protect me as the years go by. You could effectively become tenants in common and have shares depending on deposit, money being put in each month. Someone mentioned about buying a share bit by bit. This is a very sensible idea.

gingertigercat · 14/04/2018 18:56

I would say yes, on the proviso that you don't pay towards the deposit or 1/3 mortgage and just pay general living expenses. That way you can put what you'd normally spend on rent into savings as either a fall back if you split up, or a deposit on a house for just you and dp if not.

C8H10N4O2 · 14/04/2018 18:58

Slightly different in the sense

In the sense that the OP isn't married and therefore has zero protection or even tenant's rights in the event of a split or being kicked out.

So in fact, totally different.

BackforGood · 14/04/2018 19:08

Joanna - is it not obvious, people are just using 'MiL' as shorthand for 'partner's mother', as there isn't a commonly used term for that relationship Hmm
Then Slightly different in the sense that we'll be selling our house, they'll be selling theirs, and we will jointly buy a house together. is a completely different scenario, not 'slightly different'. Confused

Jenny17 · 14/04/2018 19:09

OH shouldn’t be considering keeping OP off deeds just the right fair share e.g. mil 60% OH 20% OP 20% because mil put down deposit reflecting shares. Allowing mil if you split up rationale make me suspect she knows something or is not being fair. Either way I wouldn’t want to live in that environment.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 14/04/2018 19:10

Argh this just sounds like a ticking timebomb.

I cant say anything that PPs have already said. About everything, especially the boundaries issue. Its a bloody nightmare.

To put it into context, my mother rented a house from someone who had lived there previously. It had been their family home before they built a new house.

They gave carte blanche to my mother to use the property as she pleased (obviously within the T&Cs of the letting agreement) but kept popping over and commenting on how things had been re-arranged 'we didnt like it like this' etc.

When there were problems with the property they got very arsey about them. They seemed to take it as a personal slur rather than as a legitimate complaint. 'well if youd just done this like we used to then there wouldnt be a problem'. They still saw it as their home and didnt like other people doing things differently and when there was a complaint they took it personally.

When someone is invested in a property (emotionally or financially) there will be problems.

Imagine if you decided that instead of a spare room, youd like to turn it into a sex dungeon and have a local band over each weekend (within noise limits of course). Do you think shed veto it by saying 'well I did pay for this, I think I have a say'? Its a tongue in cheek example but unless this is strictly business with a clearly worded pre-arranged agreement drawn up by a solicitor I would not touch it with a bargepole.

Go to a solicitor, check out your options but make sure that DP is going to back you up should there come to a disagreement between you and MIL.

yoyo1234 · 14/04/2018 19:12

This move could completely wipe out the chance of you ever buying jointly with DP. If there is any mortgage based on his salary he may not be able to buy a property with you ( esp if his DM does not wish to sell). What about loss of first time buyer stamp duty allowance? What about stamp duty on a second property, also later on capital gains tax when selling a second property?

DailyMailFail101 · 14/04/2018 19:13

Why not put some sort of clause in to relive your worries? If it’s his house you could always save up your own money and buy a buy to let flat as a safety net, you won’t need to pay mortgage on his and his Mums Home would you?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/04/2018 19:13

Do you have children?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/04/2018 19:16

You don't say OP, but have you been together long and are you actually at that stage of your relationship? It just seems an odd thing for your partner's mum to suggest, as if you were 'fleeting' almost... Confused

I don't know what an 'annexe' means in this context - I was thinking of a little pool house or something like that perhaps? Disclaimer: I stay in a pool house in Cambridge for work sometimes, it's lovely!

The point is, what does your partner say? I imagine he's on board with it - why is that? What would you be putting into the property anyway if MIL is buying with her son - why do you need to put money in too?

Your post actually has so little information in it that posters are having to project and put their own slant on it. Are you a permanent sort of partner or a girlfriend? Sorry for the bluntness but either is used by different people who might be at the same stages of a relationship.

I would say that if you are concerned about being out on your arse then don't put anything into it - don't even move in - have your own place and see what happens - but keep your own place/money for now.

Branleuse · 14/04/2018 19:16

If youre in no position to buy a house together, then you will still be left with nothing if you split, so I would probably go along with this and enjoy having somewhere nicer to live, if i liked his mother and didnt think she would be intrusive. If I didnt get on with her or didnt know her that well, then no, i wouldnt consider living with her in a granny annexe

Is your housebuying potential likely to change anytime soon?

Original poster
OhWhatAPalaver · 14/04/2018 19:16

Wow lots of replies... Lots saying run a mile!! Which was my initial thought...
Bit of background, we have two children, no savings to speak of really and unlikely to get married. In fact, we almost split up last month so things aren't exactly rosy... We are trying to make it work though. I'm tempted to just tell him to do it if he wants but don't expect me to much pay rent.
I get on with his mum well, she's 66 but she lives alone with a dog. Dog would absolutely not be allowed in the house as she's nuts and our youngest is not yet 2. So I imagine she would spend most of her time in the annex with the dog. I hope...

OP posts:
maddening · 14/04/2018 19:17

And the house could be required to be used to pay for her care in Old age if she needed it, or her debts etc it could be a legal nightmare

Original poster
OhWhatAPalaver · 14/04/2018 19:18

Bran, I came to that conclusion after thinking on it for a while!

OP posts:
TalkFastThinkSlow · 14/04/2018 19:18

Only do it if you're not expected to pay towards the deposit, mortgage or decorating. Then save the money you would have spent into an account in your name, just in case you need an "escape/breakup" fund!

OrangeCrush19 · 14/04/2018 19:19

Are your MIL and DH on board with keeping the dog out of your house?

FinallyHere · 14/04/2018 19:20

Depends on if you're contributing to it, surely...

It also very much depends on whether you and DP are married. You could agree, so long as you get married. Doesn't have to be any kind of 'do', noone need know (unless he tries to throw you out/ask you to leave, in which case it would become very relevant.

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