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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp thinking of buying house... With his mum.

219 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 14/04/2018 17:35

Dp & I are in no position to buy a house unfortunately. His mum however is willing to sell her house and buy with us as long as it has an annex she can live in. However she won't have the house in my name in case me and dp split up. So the house would just belong to dp and his mum.
I'm in two minds about the whole thing. On the plus side we would live somewhere a million times better than where we are now and save money. But on the other hand, if we did split up, I'd have bugger all.... Wwyd?

OP posts:
Motoko · 15/04/2018 03:45

No, if he dies intestate, his assets go to his kids first. They would only go to his mum if he didn't have kids.

lalalalyra · 15/04/2018 05:56

This opens a whole new can of worms if he dies intestate. If you are unmarried, his mum gets it if she is still alive. So not you. If she isn’t it goes to the kids. So still not you.

If he died intestate and he's on the children's birth certificates then it would go to them. It would probably end up in trust for them as minors and the trustees could be an issue, but it would go to the children before his mother.

Sally2791 · 15/04/2018 06:08

I can understand the mother's point of view. From your side definitely get legal advice and if not favourable then invest your money elsewhere to protect your security. Don't accept any promises from DP- if your relationship goes tits up they are meaningless

Daddystepdaddy · 15/04/2018 07:45

Your MIL is trying to protect herself against the financial ramifications of a future relationship breakdown. As such she has not a leg to stand on when you do exactly the same by not investing in something you won't own. What they seem to be expecting is essentially a gift from you, why would you do that?

HouseMouse77 · 15/04/2018 08:23

Hang on. OP has nothing to contribute financially. It doesn't sound likely that she will ever have a down payment. This house would be much nicer to live in for her and her DC. She's no worse off financially than if she stayed renting.

So if she thinks she can hack living with MIL on the same property why wouldn't she do it? It seems spiteful not to really. The option may well be he leaves and buys the house anyway and she's left on her own in a smaller house/flat. Why not give it a go?

Ineverdidmind · 15/04/2018 08:33

If you split up though, wouldn't he be more likely to keep the kids then? Since you'd be the on to have to move out, a court may well see it as the kids better interests to remain with him. You could loss your kids this way. NO WAY.

LakieLady · 15/04/2018 08:34

Run a mile, OP.

You and your children will have no protection if your relationship breaks down.

seventh · 15/04/2018 08:36

Run.

Take the kids and get out now.

Your relationship isn't great and with MIL in the mix, with her exclusion attitude, it won't work.

FeministBadger · 15/04/2018 09:03

I'm suspicious of a situation where a couple has two children and one partner has the ability to save for a deposit and the other doesn't - it suggests that the costs of raising a family isn't being split fairly.

I see it frequently on MN where a woman has no money because all her wage goes on childcare, or there's a massive inequality of income but she's still expected to pay her half of the bills and rent and then has pennies whilst the OH is living a grand life.

OP, how has the situation arisen that as a couple your savings are so unbalanced?

Original poster
OhWhatAPalaver · 15/04/2018 09:09

In one of the conversations we had about it yesterday he said "if and when you leave..." I'm not sure if he was meant to say "if or when" or if he actually thinks the relationship is that dead on its feet.
Also when I he first suggested it and I immediately had a problem with it he called me selfish. This isn't right is it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
OhWhatAPalaver · 15/04/2018 09:13

Oops, when he first suggested it... Don't know there the I came from in that sentence!
I was pretty much OK with the idea of it when I thought I would get a part ownership. Then when he told me yesterday his mum didn't want me to have this I was pretty pissed off. That's when he called me selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhWhatAPalaver · 15/04/2018 09:19

Badger, neither of us has the money for a deposit. It would depend on how much dp is able to borrow and how much his mum will contribute to the deposit.

OP posts:
heateallthebuns · 15/04/2018 09:21

You could say you'll agree to it if your name is on deeds or you're married and see what he says? I don't think you should pay any rent at all otherwise. Invest the money you would have paid in rent elsewhere.

What did he say when you explained it from your point of view? How you could be left with nothing?

Idontdowindows · 15/04/2018 09:22

Run girl. Seriously, run. He's building a future with his mother, not with you.

seventh · 15/04/2018 09:24

This isn't right is it?!

It isn't right in a loving relationship

In a manipulative, gaslighting, unhappy relationship it sounds bang on

FeministBadger · 15/04/2018 09:26

It's not right at all and he appears to be preparing for relationship breakdown.

On the financial point though, I'm quite certain you can't borrow a deposit for a house as the bank wants to know where your money has come from.

Xenia · 15/04/2018 09:40

It is a way for you to get into a nicer area and house so I can't see what you are losing. If you could never save enough for a mortgage or house (and it sounds like your partner not you could get a mortgage which is also a bit strange - does he work and you don't?) so it is win win for you or perhaps just get more and more promotions at work so you can buy yourself which is basically what a lot of us have done - just kept up the full time work when children come, moved towns if necessary for work etc etc.

If time are hard here and you don't want to be living with his mother could she and he buy but you and he and the family say go and work abroad for a year or two just to have a fresh start which might also help you get into a better paid career?

KTheGrey · 15/04/2018 09:40

Who is going to be responsible for the kids' part of the "rent"? Nope. You are NBU.

bonnyshide · 15/04/2018 09:47

No

Namethecat · 15/04/2018 09:51

I'm going to throw another spanner in the works. If you nearly split up very recently and from what you are saying it sounds like financially you are not sharing things on an equal basis, also his conversation of if/ when you leave ( remember he said YOU) leave, then do it leave. Start afresh with your children and leave him and his mother to it.

ExFury · 15/04/2018 09:53

Moving house is stressful. Moving with 3 opinions will be even more so. Moving with 3 opinions and 2 that override you more so again.

Rocky relationships break over far less than stressful house moves...

The fact he made that if and when slip is very telling. He's already picturing that this is his chance to be secure when you leave...

Aridane · 15/04/2018 10:02

Run a mile, OP.

You and your children will have no protection if your relationship breaks down.

They don’t at the moment though, do the?

EmmaJR1 · 15/04/2018 10:03

My in laws live in our annexe... they sold their house and split the proceeds in 3rds. 1/3 for them, 1/3 for BIL and 1/3 for DH. We used our 1/3 to buy this house and in laws pay US a minimal rent to live in the annexe.

We all get on very well but then they are reasonable people, not intrusive at all. I'm married so on the deeds or not I would never end up with nothing. Plus our relationship is based on mutual respect and is happy and stable. I think these are the ONLY reasons this situation works for us all.

BIL is very aware he's had his share but again he's a fair reasonable person so would not even try to claim anything from us even if he could. Which he can't as in laws have no legal right to this House.

I think you are skating on thin ice and their comments/reactions should tell you a lot. Maybe consider this a time to start a fresh.

Good luck.

Jenny17 · 15/04/2018 10:15

It’s your decision but to those that are saying there is nothing to lose, there is. It’s the loss of an equal committed relationship to basically being a tenant. It’s that your family is together but the intention is that he will have a different future with different assets, different status. Even if you are not financially contributing to the house you will be putting in a significant contribution in cleaning, decorating, maintenance and it’ll never really be your home by design.

rwalker · 15/04/2018 10:23

you really can't blame his mother at 66 she has no chance of starting again if it all goes wrong .As you said you have been through bad patch go in with your eyes open pay in nothing expect nothing .Yuo have no house no so really nothing to loose .She is risking all her security in life to help you 2 see it for what it is .The only downside i can see is if you and dp want to buy later on he is tied to the house with his mum and in later life if see needed to go into care would the house have to be sold to pay for it