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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp thinking of buying house... With his mum.

219 replies

OhWhatAPalaver · 14/04/2018 17:35

Dp & I are in no position to buy a house unfortunately. His mum however is willing to sell her house and buy with us as long as it has an annex she can live in. However she won't have the house in my name in case me and dp split up. So the house would just belong to dp and his mum.
I'm in two minds about the whole thing. On the plus side we would live somewhere a million times better than where we are now and save money. But on the other hand, if we did split up, I'd have bugger all.... Wwyd?

OP posts:
TheJoyOfSox · 14/04/2018 20:16

My advice to you would be get married, if that’s what you want , it will assure you of some security.

If you don’t think marriage is on the cards, maybe it’s time to move on.

Living within walking distance of MIL is going to be tough for both of you. I don’t think I could live with her in an annex in the garden.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2018 20:17

"you're in exactly the same position as if you were renting"

But if she and her DP were renting they could possibly plan to buy in future, or at least dream about it.
In this situation she'll presumably be renting forever since her dp will already have his house and she won't own anything.

tickyticky · 14/04/2018 20:20

Not married, rocky relationship? Sounds like they're pushing you out. Don't pay anything towards it.

This is the first thing that sprung to mind. Especially given the relationship has been rocky.

Marriage and equal share or no deal.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/04/2018 20:20

Well that was a ginormous drip feed if I ever saw one.

altiara · 14/04/2018 20:26

No way!
And if MIL is putting all the deposit in, do you really think she’d be happy stuck in the annex with her dog when you -the lodger- gets free run of the house she paid for?!
If I were you I’d start thinking about where you could move to that was cheaper to rent and also how to increase your/DPs earnings to put you in a better financial position.

YeahAndThenWhat · 14/04/2018 20:26

I can’t see how you would be any worse off if you went along with this plan. At the moment you have no savings between you, can’t save money (presumably as you are paying rent) and live somewhere a lot less nice than you could if your MIL bought a house for you to live in.

At least if you moved in you would be able to save some money. 💁🏻

If I was the MIL I would definitely do the same thing. I bet you would too if you were her.

Xenia · 14/04/2018 20:26

You could may be at the same time find out what level of mortgage you can obtain and buy the smallest studio flat in the cheapest place you can find so you are building up a property and let that out - all separate from him meanwhile enjoying living in the much nicer place with your partner and his very kind mother. i am afraid if my children split up I would not weant them getting a penny of my money in their properties either. It's a natural thing for parents really and shows she loves him and is a good mother.

GardenGeek · 14/04/2018 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chicken1970 · 14/04/2018 20:31

No no, no and no again. Never put yourself in a position where you stand to lose everything. Even the strongest marriage can falter under the pressure of living with mothers in law. Yours isn't. Stay where you are for the kids sake and yours. If you lived with the mother in law and spilt with partner, they would get full custody of the kids cuz they have the roof over their heads. As the saying goes you wouldn't even be left with a pot to pee in.

ilovekitkats · 14/04/2018 20:32

If your relationship is rocky then I don’t blame your MIL for not wanting to give away her money/property. She’s probably worried about losing her own home if you split up. She has a right to protect herself the same as you do.

harshbuttrue1980 · 14/04/2018 20:32

If your relationship is rocky, then I can see why he doesn't want to buy a place with you. As others have suggested, move into their house and pay your contribution towards bills, but save up just so that when you split up you have savings of your own to buy a place.

TinaTop · 14/04/2018 20:53

I can understand that MIL wants to protect her investment and I can even see how she might think she's helping you out by allowing you to live in your own home. I still think it's a bad idea for several reasons:

  1. Once you're living with MIL you'll be stuck living with her forever and are basically kissing goodbye to any opportunity of ever buying a house with DP, especially considering you'll lose access to the benefits of being a first time buyer.
  1. You'll be on the hook for providing any help or care she may need in later years.
  1. If DP has any siblings they'll presumably want a share of your home when MIL dies.
  1. You said you're unlikely to get married so basically will never be more than a lodger and will have few rights if you split up.

The main benefit is that you'd be living in a privately owned house and DP would have a house to leave (at least partially) to your children. The only way I'd consider it is if DP is an only child, you pay nothing, and you're happy to be around MIL every day and provide care later on if necessary.

In relation to having to sell the house to pay for MIL's care - they can't seize the house from under you. They do NOT take the total house value and divide by half and say that's how much MIL owns. What they have to do is consider how much MIL's half can be sold for with DP still owning the other half. So MIL's half is basically considered to be worthless because there's no way a buyer could be found for MIL's half with her son still living there and owning the other half. See Section 5 of this Age UK factsheet: www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs38_property_and_paying_for_residential_care_fcs.pdf

Hohofortherobbers · 14/04/2018 22:20

Not a chance I'd do this, you have no security at all and are just feathering their nest

LeighaJ · 14/04/2018 22:32

No, just NO.

Original poster
OhWhatAPalaver · 15/04/2018 00:45

Thanks for the advice, I wasn't being unreasonable then when I reeled at his suggestion. He seemed to think I was.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 15/04/2018 00:48

that's because he wins either way.. his Mum pays half.. then he inherits that half when Mum passes away..... so of course he thinks it's a great idea.. I'm surprised the Buntings not already out Hmm

Jux · 15/04/2018 00:51

If you decide to do this, then make sure that your and dp agree on the house rules wrt his jum and how much time she spends in your bit.

My grandmother lived with us when I was a child, in the top floor of the house. Likewise, my mum came to live with dh, dd and I. As a result of her experience with my grandmother, mum made absolutely certain that she was not intrusive. She would come down in the morning, go shopping if she needed anything, and then read her paper (The Times) and do the crossword, with a cup of coffee. If I was at home, I would join her, and we would chat a bit. The she'd go up to her flat and get on with her day. She cooked and cleaned her own flat, and there was a fully equipped bathroom, so she had no need to come down otherwise. I would pop up to see her too.

I would do a Sunday roast for the family and who ever was staying, which naturally included her. Otherwise she did her own catering except for High Days and holidays.

If you can work out a non-intrusive set of understandings between you all, then there's no reason why it shouldn't work - other than your relationship with dp.

GardenGeek · 15/04/2018 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GardenGeek · 15/04/2018 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickAChew · 15/04/2018 00:58

The stand out issue here is not that the op gains no security from this arrangement but that his own children don't, either.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/04/2018 01:32

I don’t think I would do it. Especially if the relationship is rocky.

lalalalyra · 15/04/2018 01:39

Thanks for the advice, I wasn't being unreasonable then when I reeled at his suggestion. He seemed to think I was.

It's not unreasonable to reel at the idea of a third person living with you both forever. Absolutely not.

And the fact that he is being unreasonable about your reaction is another tick in the "no" box (and I come at that as someone who had her Nana live with her for years, and whose MIL is very likely moving in so I'm in favour of those set ups when they work for everyone)

BoomBoomsCousin · 15/04/2018 02:17

His mum's sensible to consider what would happen if the two of you split, this is her home she's talking about and it doesn't sound like there would be enough wealth for you to buy your DP out, so the chances of the new place having to be sold in those circumstances is high.

If you like the idea of the living arrangements and the house they are likely to be able to get, then it's not a dumb idea at all. But you need to be putting some money aside for savings for you as he'll be building up assets in the house. I can see why on the surface he might think you should just pay as you are in rent and you won't be worse off, but the power dynamic in your relationship will change if he's building assets and you aren't. So your idea of going with it but not really paying much rent seems reasonable - you just need to make sure you're putting the excess money into savings.

pallisers · 15/04/2018 02:22

I think his mum is being very sensible.

I think there is nothing in this for you.

I think if your DP was trying to find a woman to settle down with him then the fact that he has committed to living with his mother for ever (which is potentially what this arrangement is) would be a significant drawback for him. Who would get into that?

I can't really advise but am not sure there is anything in this for anyone longterm.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 15/04/2018 02:48

Two ways of owning it. The first is Joint Tenants, which means if either died the other would become sole owner.

The other is Tenants in Common. This would cover unequal percentages 60/40 etc. Each would be free to leave their share to whoever they wanted. This opens a whole new can of worms if he dies intestate. If you are unmarried, his mum gets it if she is still alive. So not you. If she isn’t it goes to the kids. So still not you.

I wouldn’t touch that with someone else’s barge pole.