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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if thin shaming is a thing?

231 replies

Notanotherottenotter · 10/04/2018 07:19

I realise there are many worse issues than this, but I really wanted to see how MNetters would feel about it.
So, I lost a bit of weight three years ago, and have kept it off. Not a massive amount, about three stone. It needed to be done - I was feeling middle aged and unfit, and I feel loads better for it. Family and close mates all really supportive and pleased that I was feeling and looking better.
So why does this keep happening? Yesterday I was pushing my trolley round the supermarket and met an old playground mum from way back. Chat, chat, as you do. And then “you’re looking very thin. WAS IT INTENTIONAL?” I didn’t have the bollocks to reply “no, I’ve got a terrible wasting disease”, but wish I had.
Another one - a former work colleague told me they’d all been discussing whether or not I had cancer!!! I’ve also had “you know you’ll get oesteoporosis now, don’t you?”
It’s not keeping me awake at night, but I just find it weird that people are OK to make comments like this to my face. Supposing I had put on a stack of weight, would I get “wow, you’ve REALLY chubbed up, love”?
Or do I just know a lot of really rude people?

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 10/04/2018 14:34

I was 9 stone 7. I'm 5'5. My mum said 'Are you anorexic?" which is quite frankly an insult to anorexics and anorexia!!

She was the same weight and height in the 80's but that was a 'normal' weight apparently Hmm

roboticmom · 10/04/2018 15:07

I agree that any comments on body are rude. It sounds minor but I hated when I lost weight and people would say ‘wow, you are looking good!!’ What? I looked bad before? Thanks! Then I put the weight back on and now I know all those people think I look crap. Ha ha I really don’t though.

mellowyellow2018 · 10/04/2018 15:08

Sounds like they are really jealous to me.

fishonabicycle · 10/04/2018 17:26

I've always been small (5 foot and between 7-8 stone). The worse I've ever had is 'there's nothing of you). Which isn't bad at all.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/04/2018 17:33

It’s rude but not the same IMO. It’s like the principal of reverse racism not being a thing - because the power structure doesn’t go the other way.

LeighaJ · 10/04/2018 17:50

I've had 3 friends with mega metabolisms who couldn't put on weight if they tried and 2 tried desperately. They all dealt with nasty comments due to their small size. The comments were clearly rooted in bitterness, insecurity, and jealousy and I'd definitely class them as thin shaming.

I've had nasty comments off people as well even at a normal weight, it's like people are so use to seeing obese people now that a body at its ideal weight looks too thin somehow. Hmm

KhalDrogosBeard · 10/04/2018 17:54

When I was thin (but not underweight), I got a lot of backhanded compliments

BringMeCoffeePlease · 10/04/2018 18:13

Well done on the weight loss OP. I want to lose around 3 stone.

Those comments are hideous.

SerenDippitty · 10/04/2018 18:50

I'm petite too, 5ft4in so in proprotion bmi 22.5.

The definition of petite is another thing that’s changed. I wouldn’t call 5ft 4in petite, I’d call it average. I’m 5ft 2in, that ‘s petite, or is it dwarf sized.

LoveManyTrustfew · 10/04/2018 19:02

So I went to the cardiologist this afternoon, I had an ECG, I pulled up my top for her to apply the pads and the technician said ooh you are a dinky thing...Angry

So I replied, yes that is what the cancer diet does to you. Grin

Before today I wouldn't have known what to say, so thank you OP.

hayfevertablet · 10/04/2018 19:44

notumbongo that's appalling!

hayfevertablet · 10/04/2018 19:45

LoveMany so sorry that you have cancer but I truly think the technician didn't mean to be unkind and probably feels absolutely terrible over their remark.

MagnifyingGlassSearch · 10/04/2018 19:50

I am 5ft 2in and there's a lady at work who's constantly mocking my height. Oh but 'it's a joke' you see? I have no sense off humour, clearly.

hayfevertablet · 10/04/2018 19:52

I am glad this thread is here as I often feel the same. I am 52, weigh 7.5 stone, six 6 and am 5ft 4" tall. My weight has been the same forever, never change from week to week, year to year etc and I have had various horrible things said to me over the years.

Few examples:

It must be like shagging an ironing board - next door neighbour
Are you anorexic? - friend out in the street in front of two of her friends
You need to put more meat on you - old bat offering cake at a school fundraiser
You are too thin - other neighbour (too thin for what I ask?)
My (her) husband (who is undergoing chemo) is almost as skinny as you - friend at gym
You need to eat more love you are far too skinny - friend whilst I gnawed on french stick and heaps of butter in front of him at a party

Oh I could go on....

The thing is most of them are quite reasonable people on a good day, I think they are just utterly thoughtless and don't realise how hurtful it can be. I never have the courage to call them on it and when I have said to other friends how hurtful it is they all say 'oh they are just back-handed compliments' believe you mean, esp bitchy cake woman, there was no compliment intended.

I do a lot of exercise and have a naturally small appetite and expend a fair bit of energy oh plus genetically most of my family are slim.

Missythecat · 10/04/2018 19:52

Having being thin all my life, I am sick of being shamed for a non existent eating disorder or being unattractive.

I can't change how I look. I eat very very well. Would be nice not to be criticised. And the endless "oh once you are 50" comments.

I could not give a fuck how people look as long as they are happy. And I will not be judged for it. Shame so many people who hate being judged for one way, judge people who are the other.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 10/04/2018 19:56

hay the guy was lucky that my husband is very zen these days because 10 years ago he would have snapped his fucking neck.

DullAndOld · 10/04/2018 20:02

when i lost a few stone and kept it off, (having needed to) one woman i am aquainted with wouldnt shut up about it, gasping and exclaiming every time she met me...
It wasnt coming from a kind place if you know what i mean...

RedForFilth · 10/04/2018 22:24

I think it's because people have lost sight of what a healthy weight looks like. I've been fat and thin. Size 14 at my biggest (only had one comment from a stranger calling me a fat bitch) and a 6 at my slimmest. Now a stable size 8. I get comments like "I'm sure you've lost more weight" and "you look ill don't lose any more". I'm 5ft 4 and according to bmi calculators I could lose up to another stone and still be in the healthy weight range.

People also think slim people can't have curves for some reason! I've also had comments like "I bet your boyfriend hates it now you've lost your boobs". I've gone from an FF to an E so hardly small chested but I actually have a boyfriend who loves me for more than my weight/looks/chest size.

Oh and not a single man has commented negatively about my weight.

hayfevertablet · 11/04/2018 07:05

I have had men and women comment equally sadly

isthismylifenow · 11/04/2018 07:25

Thanks for posting this OP. I have mentioned something along these lines in the past and been blasted for it.

I have found the same. And it is upsetting. But you cannot talk to anyone about it, as then you are 'attention seeking' 'bragging' and all the other ridiculous things you get accused of. It is perfectly fine for a larger person to post about how they feel, but let a slimmer person do it, and boom.... I was shot down in flames.

I have been through a marriage breakdown and just general tough time the past few years, and I am just one of those that under stressful conditions battle to eat. And ibs didn't help. So yes, I did lose a lot quite quickly. The things people said to me, its just so hurtful. Really mean things, but the things people think is just a passing comment. Yes, I was asked I don't know how many times if I had been diagnosed with some form of cancer, I should go eat 10 burgers, look like a bag of bones. I was even given a website to look at for eating disorders. Shock

I am glad to have found this thread. So I can at least get it all out somewhere.

GREATAUNT1 · 11/04/2018 07:33

I had that you are too thin, oh you poor thing you’re so thin are you ill thing for years, mainly from my sis & SOL. I would never, ever say to anyone that they were fat, or ask them why they were so fat, or ask was it because they sat on their arses all day, or ate too much food, but I cane very close to it. Instead I’d say I was about the right weight for my height. Or you’ll never see a far thoroughbred, this usually leaves them speechless. I chubbed up (love it), when I got cancer though. They never mentioned the weight gain though, although I still wasn’t their size.

GREATAUNT1 · 11/04/2018 07:34

Fat thoroughbred, lots of errors there, must be my fat fingers :-/

Blackbirdblue30 · 11/04/2018 09:37

I agree with a PP that because so many people are overweight now, 'normal' looks thin. I get thin shaming comments yet I could lose a stone and still be in a healthy range. And if I did lose that stone, it would put me at the weight my grandmother sat at her whole adult life, which was 'normal' then. So 'too thin' now but I'd have been a bit chubby in the 1940s...

Blackbirdblue30 · 11/04/2018 09:39

On that note actually when I was thinnest in my mid twenties, the genuine compliments came from older women.

CookPassBabtridge · 11/04/2018 12:50

I know people keep talking about losing sight of what is thin nowadays. But at my thinnest 10 years ago I was a size 10 which doesn't sound that small especially in old currency. People did tell me I looked gaunt which yes might be because we're used to seeing fat people. But I was so cold all the time, I had to wear scarf and gloves in bed in winter. I could feel my hip bones when I laid in bed and my pelvis when I sat down on my bum, which was really painful! My periods stopped. It just makes me wonder if yes everyone was thinner back then but did they have problems as a result? Or is it just me and my body that likes having cushioning? Grin