To wonder if thin shaming is a thing?

[Notanotherottenotter]

I realise there are many worse issues than this, but I really wanted to see how MNetters would feel about it.
So, I lost a bit of weight three years ago, and have kept it off. Not a massive amount, about three stone. It needed to be done - I was feeling middle aged and unfit, and I feel loads better for it. Family and close mates all really supportive and pleased that I was feeling and looking better.
So why does this keep happening? Yesterday I was pushing my trolley round the supermarket and met an old playground mum from way back. Chat, chat, as you do. And then “you’re looking very thin. WAS IT INTENTIONAL?” I didn’t have the bollocks to reply “no, I’ve got a terrible wasting disease”, but wish I had.
Another one - a former work colleague told me they’d all been discussing whether or not I had cancer!!! I’ve also had “you know you’ll get oesteoporosis now, don’t you?”
It’s not keeping me awake at night, but I just find it weird that people are OK to make comments like this to my face. Supposing I had put on a stack of weight, would I get “wow, you’ve REALLY chubbed up, love”?
Or do I just know a lot of really rude people?

I'm naturally slim, not abnormally so but I've had so many comments over the years. Normally by (overweight) women.

Picking up a slice of pizza at work

Colleague: "You could do with eating the whole thing, get some meat on your bones!"

Why is that necessary? I wouldn't dream of saying to her she should not eat any because she's already overweight

Oh and don't get me started on social media posts saying 'real women have curves'! So ridiculous.

@DanceDisaster Yes I am big framed too though only 5ft 2. I’m an hourglass shape and carry weight pretty evenly all over, so looked smaller than I was to start with. So losing 2st made quite a shocking difference to how I looked. I was early 50s so could get away with it even less!

I have always been thin and during my teens and early 20s I was like a stick, certainly no curves at all. I wasn't self-consciously trying to stay thin, I wasn't doing any extreme exercising or anything - it is just my build. I got terribly bullied for being shapeless during those years.

Then my hips and bum started to develop a bit more and I am slightly pear shaped, I have been told by people I should put on more weight as I would look great if I was "thicc" or that a boob job would sort my proportions out a bit more.

I think thin shaming does exist, especially as how celebrated it is now to be plus sized and have curves whilst there is also rhetoric about how shameful it is to be thin. We need more understanding that every body build is okay and we are all so different!

I did get really low about it and I have tried to put on weight and followed a body building regime to get that "thicc" look for a while. It was tough to get out of that mental state, I found removing myself from social media for a while helped a lot. Not sure how to tackle any RL comments still though.

comfort Lots of people would not consider the adjective skinny to be offensive - might even be considered to be a compliment. The sales girl probably thought she was being complimentary.

Yep^^

I’ve said this twice on another thread recently but I once was called a “skinny wee shite” AS A COMPLIMENT . Madness.

I spent the first half of my life as a size 4 and the second half as a size 14/16/18, and no, I don't believe "thin shaming" exists, at least not in the same way "fat shaming" does. First off all, even when said in a nasty way, comments on my size when I was thin where generally from a place of jealousy and envy, which meant they couldn't really be shaming as no one was trying to shame me into doing anything.

When my anorexia was at its worse and people were trying to get me to eat, it came from a place of genuine fear and concern, not shame or disgust.

When you're fat the comments on your size are tinged with disgust, loathing, and false concern. You're viewed as a failure and an object of ridicule. So not the same sentiments at all.

Also, I generally find the only time people have ever said I was too skinny or I needed to eat something was because I was and it was true.

I lost five and half stone on the tonsil cancer diet, my bmi is 19.5.

I have no real swallow, I choke if I try and eat too much but I persevere. What I do eat goes down with a litre of water, try eating a normal portion after that much water.

If mention my weight, my DH will call me a skinny minny, I don't mind that.
Anyone else all bets are off.

I eat at least five Costa Millionaire shortbreads a week, sometimes two at a go, they go down with a lot of water. If I was watching my weight I would not be eating them.

Anytime anyone mentions it, I smile wistfully at them and say I would give it all up in a heart beat.

That usually shuts them up.

Lots of people suppose that skinny=normal. I don't get why you think those people are body shaming you, they sound nosy or plain jealous and very impolite, but they don't say those things because they are disgusted by the way you look now. You were overweight, lost lots of weight, you managed to keep it off for a very long time and you are happy with how you look now, why the hell those inconsiderate comments from some bitchy playground mom and former colleagues keep you awake at night? you've done a great job, your family and friends approved, I think the issue here is that you changed the way you look but not the way you think, be proud of what you've achieved

Yes it is! I used to be really underweight and people would say how thin I was, it was due to medical issues-i used to tell them how big they were! I hated being really thin! I'm now a size 10-12and happy

I wouldn't use 'shaming' as such but there are definitely some people who find they need to make catty remarks to thin people. I lost a stone about ten years ago and I got nasty remarks like you Op.

I lost a lot of weight due to stress a few years ago, it was awful. I was extremely thin and felt so self conscious. Every day I would have random people who didn’t even know me well telling me how bad I looked. I never dared say anything to them. I just said I was under the doctors care (which I was) and that I couldn’t help it. I was so unhappy with myself and their comments made it 100 times worse. I wouldn’t dream of commenting on someone’s body shape, big or small. It’s just so rude. Luckily I’ve now gained weight and I’m back to ‘normal’ so they’ve all shut up.

I can relate to so many of these comments! I’m naturally very petite, 5’1” and a size 6-8. Before I had children I was around 7 stone, DCs are now nearly 4 and 4 months respectively, and I’m about 8 stone. Both times I had a massive bump but didn’t really put on weight anywhere else, and lost my tummy fairly quickly after the births. I’ve had so many comments about trying to lose the weight too quickly and to stop trying to be like a Kardashian (btw I can’t stand that entire family!!). A few weeks ago I was out with baby DD and someone asked “Have you actually spent any time with that baby? Or have you just been in the gym?”
I went home and cried 🙈

@notanotherottenotter

I’m 8 and a half stone from 11 and a half, and my BMI is about 21. So not underweight, I hope.

I am going to go against the grain here.

Don't know your height, but if you are an average height for a woman, you are at the very low end of a healthy weight and BMI.

I have been up to 13 stone, and down to 8 and a half (I am 5 ft 5,) and frankly, I don't look great at 8 and a half stone... I look gaunt and pale, and definitely look better at around 10 stone. I don't care WHAT the 'weight charts' and BMI charts say, I look WAY better at 10 stone, than 8 and a half stone.

At 13 stone I do look fat though (and AM fat at that weight!)

But yeah I agree that ANY comments about anyone's body size and shape is out of order, but that's people for you. They will comment! If it is thinner people saying it, then it's not jealousy. Maybe they do think you look ill. The weight and BMI you describe, for an adult woman (near middle age,) who has had children, sounds too low.. And if you have dropped 3 stone, and were only just over 11 stone to begin with, I'm sorry, but you probably do look gaunt.

I know some women who are middle aged who have ALWAYS been slim - 9 stone-ish, and they look great, but they have never had any great weight loss, as they've always been slim. When someone loses 3 stone or more in middle age, they often look a bit gaunt. Especially if it has come off quickly.

My DH was 16 stone for a few years, (he is 5 ft 10,) and around 5 years ago, he went on a silly crash diet, and dropped to 11 stone, in 4 months ... FIVE STONE weight loss in four months!! He looked AWFUL. He looked better at 16 stone! He looked pale and gaunt and ill, and his clothes hung off him, even though he bought smaller sizes. He also looked 10 years older. A friend of ours asked if he was dying.

He regained some over about a year (went up to 13 and a half stone,) and looked WAY better. He has stayed around that weight since...

I have also seen several other people I know (female friends) who dropped 4-5 stone at 40-45, (they dropped to about 8 to 9 stone,) and it aged them terribly. As I said, if you have always been that size and weight that is one thing, but to have always been a bit chubby, and then to suddenly become thin is rather ageing for many....

But I agree that thin-shaming is a thing, and it's unacceptable. I think fat people get bullied way MORE than thin people, but thin people do get rude comments yeah... I also get sick of the 'men don't wanna sleep with a bag of bones' and 'men prefer curvy women' type comments that I see on the internet, as it is bloody rude. And the 'real women have curves' thing REALLY fucks me off.

Some women call themselves 'curvy' when they are just obese! Curvy is Shakira or J-Lo; not someone who is a size 26, and weighs 20 stone. I am not fat-shaming, but I get sick of obesity being celebrated......

It definitely exists!

I'm now ashamed to admit but I am guilty of this. My weight is generally on the larger side and I'm always striving to get back to being the size I was in my 20's.
I've never meant to shame people at all but my sense of humour has been to say "oh my god your so thin, you need a pie or two". It was meant in banter and poking fun at myself for eating too many pies.
However from reading these comments I now see that I have probably caused offence and feel awful for that.
I will think before I speak from now on.
Sorry!

Not trying to justify myself at all but I do think people may see it as more acceptable to comment on thin people than fat people because, no one really 'tries' to put on weight so you woukdnt comment if someone had. However there is a multi billion pound market on losing weight, so if someone is thin you might think they want to be congratulated.
I do see though that is a generalisation and not everyone who is thin has been dieting for years or even wants the congrats.

I don't get why thin is aging? I am size 6-8, 5ft 3 and 8 stone. I exercise most days and am very toned from running. I'm also 42. I don't know if I look old, I don't have obvious wrinkles.

I said it's ageing IF SOMEONE LOSES A LOT OF WEIGHT WHEN THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FAT.

I said (several times) that it didn't apply to people who have ALWAYS been slim/thin.

A few weeks ago I was out with baby DD and someone asked “Have you actually spent any time with that baby? Or have you just been in the gym?”

wanker!

I think it does I am a healthy size 10 and get told this at times. I am not skinny my weight is healthy for my body and my bmi is good as I work out and try eat healthy. I used to be a 8 I prefer myself that size but got more comments about how skinny I was. I actually think being overweight is becoming so common that people’s view of what is a healthy weight is not the same as it was years ago.

There’s less/no real taboo about calling someone thin generally so people think they can say it and it doesnt hurt feelings.

snowagain I get what you are saying - do you remember Nigel Lawson? When he lost weight he looked terrible (he didn’t look so great before either, tbf). I think it’s completely down to what weight you feel comfortable with - I’m back to what I weighed in my twenties, so doesn’t feel as if it isn’t ‘me’ anymore, iyswim.
And I did look a bit gaunt to start with, but don’t now. I hope...

I look older when I’m fatter I think. But yes, I know what the pp means when people suddenly lose a lot of weight having been fat for a long time. It can be a bit ageing. Still, that’s just aesthetics. Better to be a healthy weight anyway.

DanceDisaster shocking! how rude! I think that is the issue. I have had similar to that, people assume because you are thin you must be self-obsessed as surely you are obsessed with dieting and exercising to stay thin and are setting bad examples to young girls etc!