To wonder if thin shaming is a thing?

[Notanotherottenotter]

I realise there are many worse issues than this, but I really wanted to see how MNetters would feel about it.
So, I lost a bit of weight three years ago, and have kept it off. Not a massive amount, about three stone. It needed to be done - I was feeling middle aged and unfit, and I feel loads better for it. Family and close mates all really supportive and pleased that I was feeling and looking better.
So why does this keep happening? Yesterday I was pushing my trolley round the supermarket and met an old playground mum from way back. Chat, chat, as you do. And then “you’re looking very thin. WAS IT INTENTIONAL?” I didn’t have the bollocks to reply “no, I’ve got a terrible wasting disease”, but wish I had.
Another one - a former work colleague told me they’d all been discussing whether or not I had cancer!!! I’ve also had “you know you’ll get oesteoporosis now, don’t you?”
It’s not keeping me awake at night, but I just find it weird that people are OK to make comments like this to my face. Supposing I had put on a stack of weight, would I get “wow, you’ve REALLY chubbed up, love”?
Or do I just know a lot of really rude people?

And I've a thin friend whose MIL makes passive-aggressive digs. The MIL has lots of nice clothes and she says things like 'I'd give this to you but you've nothing to put in it, ho ho!'

I agree even positive meaning comments make me feel awkward- for me being a low normal weight is hardly an achievement, it's just how I am.

I think weight is given too much errr...weight in society. I think some people think being thin is some sort of holy grail- chasing weight loss is like a diversion in life, like getting rich or something.

Everyone would be happier if we could just get on with our lives.

It certinly happens.
My mother had form for it. I grew up being told I was too slim, my legs were too skinny, jokes being made, told I wasn't going out dressed like that as it made me look even skinnier...the list goes on.
All the while she'd mention how she was 7 stone at some point in her young adulthood and then scathingly tell me that I will end up looking like her whilst negatively describing her own legs. It definitely stems from jealousy.
Damaging, to say the least.
She denies all of this of course!

I get this too. I hate comments on my weight and appearance. I just hate drawing attention to it, because how am I meant to reply?! I look different every month because I have medical stuff meaning I take a range of medication on and off. Some people (like my mum and MIL) always comment if I've lost weight. I lose weight fast if I'm sick, then start certain meds and it goes back on.

"Oh, you've lost weight." Yes. How do you want me to respond to that? "Your skin looks better" er...... Thanks?

I had a girl once say "I wish I had what you had so I could be skinny too" really? You want a chronic, incurable, life limiting, embarrassing disease just so you can lose weight? The irony being she was slimmer than me anyway. Or maybe she should appreciate that she can exercise without being chronically exhausted and put the effort in.

How about we just all keep our mouths shut regarding physical appearance unless the person brings it up themselves?

Can you tell this is a sensitive topic for me?

@IAmWonkoTheSane No I wasn't

Oh god yes.

I'm thin. A small 6.

"You need some meat on your bones" when I say I'm a bit chilly.

"Go on, eat up, you could do with a good meal"

"God you're so THIN"

"No one wants to cuddle a stick!"

"You'd disappear if you turned to the side"

"Only dogs like bones"

"Real women have something to hang on to"

"Do you actually even eat?"

And my personal favourite which was said to me when I was minding my own business at a station munching away on a bag of crisps...

"That's right dear, keep on eating and you'll never look so disgustingly thin again"

Thanks love.

I've been thin shamed more than I've been fat shamed, if that's even a thing.

Tried hard to lose 2/3 stone, managed it.

A couple of friends were engaging in diet talk and I offered up some advice and also shared that I needed to lose a bit more too (bear in mind I'm still a stone and a bit overweight, but I carry it well) and instead of any form of decent reply all I got was "yeah but we'd all love to be your size" and they continued talking together.

I'm thin. No one has ever commented on it, so no, I don't think it necessarily is a thing.

Yes definitely a thing and totally unacceptable it is too. I have a policy NEVER to comment uninvited on anyone’s weight, even if it’s meant to be a compliment.

Not the point of the thread but I also have a policy of not commenting of someone looks pregnant . I did it once and got it wrong and honestly wanted the ground to swallow me up. Hideous. Never again.

I’ve been everything from a size 6 to a size 16 due to medical treatments so I’ve seen both sides, and there’s no comparison in the way I was treated. Sure, when I was very thin I had some comments of concern but any other comments were mainly born of jealousy and didn’t bother me in the least. Believe me, no one is jealous of me at a size 16 and the comments are more about repulsion and faux concern.

Underweight is not just a number. If you have a large frame and a BMI of 19 you may technically be a”healthy weight” but you are underweight for your frame size. Similarly if you are really tiny birdlike frame and a BMI of 24 you are not technically in the “overweight” range but you may be overweight for your frame. That’s why there is a range of healthy weight, it’s to take account of different frame sizes and body types. I’m a medium frame and would be underweight at the lower end of the healthy range for my height.

I’m a bit like you @tammy; people would make quite nice comments when I was very slim. Nobody comments when I’m a bit overweight as I am now, (wouldn’t dare - I might sit on them ).

"That's right dear, keep on eating and you'll never look so disgustingly thin again"
*

How is there no filter that tells people this is an awful thing to say?! Sorry you have to put up with that, Flumpalot. It's bad enough when it's someone you know well, but when total strangers think it's ok to comment on how you look it's a whole new level of low.

I'd rather look disgusting than have a disgusting soul.

I had this problem too. I lost seven stone three years ago taking me from a size 18 to 10. A fair few people told me to be ‘careful I didn’t lose anymore’ and asked for reassurance I was now finished losing . I was super fit and felt amazing (and only mid twenties so doubt I ‘looked old’ for it.)

I honestly think people are just used to slightly overweight being normal so look at fit and healthy people and think they’re ‘too thin’.

I can 100% relate to this post.

I’ve been gradually loosing weight over 2 years and not long got to target of 4 stone loss.

The last stone since January has become very noticeable and the responses I’ve had from friends is down right nasty.

They are constantly mentioning my weight, telling me to eat cake, demanding I loose no more. Trying to force feed me crap. One got very angry because I didn’t listen and did loose more.

The thing is I’ve never been happier, but at the same time I’ve found myself covering up as I feel embarrassed and don’t want the negative comments.

I’m preparing for it to get worse before it gets better especially when the warmer weather comes and I loose the big coat.

I have grown a backbone now and will defend myself my stock phrase is to “promise me you won’t loose any more” is I have no intention of loosing anymore I am very happy with my weight.

This weekend nearly ended up with a row with a so called friend who told my DH that he should tell me I shouldn’t loose any more while I was sat there.

No one ever commented when I was fat or gaining but unfortunately it does seem when you loose you become public property.

I am also sick to death of “men prefer women with curves” this has been said to me multiple times. I have curves thanks, and if I didn’t would I not be a “real woman”

How about we just all keep our mouths shut regarding physical appearance unless the person brings it up themselves?

This ^^ 100% this!

Sorry you've had some shitty insensitive comments @88mph

I don't get it and have never felt the need to comment on someone's physical appearance unless directly asked. Even then I feel bloody awkward!

Now that I think about it, I’ve witnessed this sort of thing once actually. At a meal out I remember a slightly pissed acquaintance lecturing her friend on not losing any more weight. The friend had said she had lost two stone through SW and wanted to lose another stone or maybe two. Acquaintance was all head tilty and said how worried she was. I looked at said friend and she was about double the width of the acquaintance and shorter. I have no idea what the acquaintance was playing at tbh. Was she sucking up or was she trying to sabotage? Weird.

When I was at school, I was called skeletor, pin head, etc, nearly every day.

I was accused of not eating by teachers, to the point that one teacher actually accused me of being anorexic, and I had to go and get another teacher, who had stopped to talk to me in the lunch hall, to verify that she had seen me eating my rather generous lunch.

I was constantly a source for discussion until I had my third daughter and put a few kgs on. Now at 5'8" and 64kg, I don't get comments about my weight.

When I lost 2st five years ago and went from 10.5st to 8.5st people did start looking concerned, but the only person who actually said I should not lose any more weight was my hair stylist who is male and not overweight, so would have no reason to be jealous - helping me look good is what I pay him for. Looking back at photos from that time I can see that he was right. My face looked pinched.

It's awful of people to comment! It doesn't even matter whether you actually are "too thin" or not, it isn't any body's business except if a friend is genuinely concerned about your health if they feel your weight was dropping too much.

I have a neighbour, we are friendly but not more. She is incredibly thin, to the point that I have wondered whether she has an eating disorder or an illness. Her head looks put of proportion to the rest of her body, and she doesn't look healthy to me. However, I would never comment ok the way she looks. It is either her natural figure in which case I would be rude to comment; or she does have a disorder or illness, in which case it would be very insensitive and potentially upsetting of me to comment.

@seren

I’ve taken it too far at one point too. I don’t suit being low on the bmi scale as I’m quite big framed and tall. Someone in my family told me I looked like Gillian McKeith at that weight actually. I was only in my twenties so it wasn’t a compliment! She immediately retracted it, but the damage was done!

I know that if I ever mentioned weight or size in a negative way to any of my overweight or obese friends, family, colleagues or acquaintances there would be gasps of disapproval - but nobody bats an eyelid at negative comments about being "skinny" or "thin".

I've never heard it called "thin shaming" but certainly I have been on the receiving end of unwanted (and sometimes downright rude) comments about my weight, size and shape for the past 55 years or so (I'm 60 now).

People don't seem to have any qualms about making comments like these to my face: "there's nothing of you", "don't tread on the drain or you might fall through!", "I'd hate to be that thin", "are you eating enough?", "I think men prefer curves to skinny", "I do think it's more feminine to be a bit more curvy/wobbly", "you must starve yourself to be that thin!".

That's just a very small sample of what I am subjected to at least once a week from colleagues, acquaintances and randoms.

The thing is, I am not "skinny" by any means! I am 5'3" and my weight hovers around 8st to 8st 5lb. I wear size 8/10 top and size 10/12 on the bottom (pear shaped!).

YES! I have recently found this too. No one ever commented on the fact that my arse had been expanding at a rate of knots after having kids (not that they should have, of course!) but as soon as I lost 2 stone EVERYONE had an opinion on my body. I'm now a healthy BMI of 21 so not underweight, but frequently get comments like 'you're not going to lose anymore are you?' or ''the reason you're cold is because you've got no meat on your bones' and 'there's nothing of you!'. Somehow it seems to be socially acceptable to say these things, but no one would ever dream of saying 'you're not going to put on any more weight, are you?!' despite the fact that we have an obesity crisis in the UK.