Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be worried about this woman

189 replies

Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 13:40

DH is a SAHP to our two children, one being a toddler. He has lots of mum friends but is particularly close to one who lives nearby.

She's attractive, flirty and a lot of fun. I hang out with her too and enjoy her company.

Last summer it came out that she had an emotional affair with another dad (not a SAHP but someone who worked part time) It seemed to be lots of deep stuff- texting about his relationship, hoe unhappy he was, how beautiful she was etc. Nothing physically happened but it was definitely a EA.

I can't stop thinking about the guys wife. She has two small kids and works full time, and her circumstances are EXACTLY the same as me and DH.

I trust DH 100% but I feel
Uneasy about them spending time alone (well, with toddlers around!) I know nothing would ever happen, but just the thought of him being attracted to her physically and emotionally makes me feel so low.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous. I work with lots of men so I know it's ridiculous. They whatsapp a lot and see each other pretty much every day and I'm so worried history will repeat itself, DH is very attractive and kind, etc, but not at all flirty in any way.

OP posts:
snowagain · 07/04/2018 13:43

If he is not interested, then no amount of her flirting will make him cheat.

But yeah YANBU at all.

But dozens of posters will come on here and tell you that you ARE being unreasonable and ridiculous.

You're not.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 07/04/2018 13:46

Personally I would not feel comfortable having this woman who has "form" being in your lives . She has proven that she doesn't respect the boundaries of marriage , it invites issues unnecessarily imo . Xx

EweDoEwe · 07/04/2018 13:47

I’ll await all the cool wives telling you that you’re the one with the problem.

But yeah, I wouldn’t be happy about my DH having so much contact with this woman. I trust him and no amount of her flirting should make a difference, blah blah blah...

BUT she’s proved she lacks boundaries and is happy to shit all over someone else’s relationship.

I’d be equally unhappy if DH constantly messaged and hung out with other men who behaved like this too.

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 13:47

Thanks Snowagain.

Part of me thinks she's trying to wind me up about it all- shes very confident in herself and talks about how random men message her from the school run for example. she's quite open about that other dad and what went on and herself draws parallels between DH and hers friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 13:50

He doesn't privately message her in any way, it's all very open and I see the messages. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable by bringing it up but we have spoken about it and he knows how I feel. I thought by getting to know her more I'd feel better but I just feel awful for the other guys wife and wonder if that will be me one day...

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 13:50

Sorry meant to say he's in a whatsapp group with other mums

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 07/04/2018 13:51

I wouldn’t want my husband being friend with he because she sounds like a twat.

The affair thing wouldn’t bother me, I trust him 100%.

If you don’t trust your husband 100% then what’s the point in being married to them.

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 13:53

Notumbongo you're right- I know that I trust him implicitly so the feelings must come from my own insecurities. I need to work on my own confidence and self esteem

OP posts:
Cantusethatname · 07/04/2018 13:56

Trust your instincts.

Fairenuff · 07/04/2018 14:00

Talk to him about it. Ask him to reduce the time spent with her and see how she reacts. If she's interested in him, she will try to up contact time. If she finds other people to hang out with then I wouldn't worry about it.

DairyisClosed · 07/04/2018 14:00

I wouldn't care but that's because I know that my husband would never in a million years go for that kind of thing. For a sexual relationship he would always be able to find a young girl who hasn't had children if he wanted to (not that I think he would but as a hypothetical). For emotional needs he just wouldn't go to a woman at all. He's a very manly man and prefers the kind of friendships men offer. I could see his brothers being his go to for emotional support instead of me but not some random woman. There just wouldn't be any reason to get involved with someone like that even if he wanted an affair. But if you truly think that, in the event your husband decided to have an affair (I'm not saying he is that kind of man but sometimes good people find themselves in thess kinds of situations to in extreme situations), he would go for someone like her then I don't think YABU to be uncomfortable. All it takes is for him to feel like he needs someone else, your marriage is breaking down, to suapectfvthat you are having an affair yourself, or some such like. Because she is already there and clearly willing it would be very easy for him to engage in an affair in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't be happy with it.

Mightymucks · 07/04/2018 14:06

Where did you hear this from? Because it sounds like nasty gossip TBH and I wouldn’t place to much credit on it.

Mightymucks · 07/04/2018 14:07

Unless you’ve actually heard it from the man concerned or his wife the likelihood is it’s either highly exaggerated or untrue.

Juells · 07/04/2018 14:09

Anyone who'd claim to not have at least an awareness of it is full of shit.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/04/2018 14:11

Tbh though, there's nothing you can actually do about this. You can't forbid your DH to have anything to do with her, can you?

She sounds a little bit 'obvious' to me - all this 'ooh look at this affair I nearly had and all these men messaging li'l ole me!' I can practically hear the simpering from here.

Just warn your husband that she's a bit of a user and likes herself a little bit too much, and, if he's a good guy (as it sounds as though he is) he will steer clear of giving her too much inside information.

SandyY2K · 07/04/2018 14:12

I can't say I'd be thrilled about it, but I'd just tell my DH to be weary of her given her history.

You can't really do more than that.

Well you could ... but it might seem like you don't trust your DH and that might upset him.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 07/04/2018 14:13

Omg just read that she compares your dh and her relationship to the EA , she sounds like she's trying to create an issue between you and your husband . I'd wind her back up and ask her why she feels that insecure in herself that she seeks EA with unavailable men , does she not feel she is worthy of a proper relationship ? She sounds like a piece of work xx

MallorieArcher · 07/04/2018 14:14

I have no issues with my DH having female friends but in this instance I'd be wary, for no other reason than she didn't see anything wrong with what she did if she is so open and discusses it regularly. She doesn't sound like a very nice person so I wouldn't want to be friends with her for that reason alone.
The fact that you and your DH have discussed it is good, but yeah,I'd be wary too.

Piffle11 · 07/04/2018 14:14

You say you don't want to make your DH uncomfortable by bringing it up, but YOU'RE uncomfortable with things the way they are: I think you have to talk to him about it, reasonably, and explain that although you trust him, this woman clearly has form for getting more involved with her male 'friends' than she should. A couple DH and I are very close to had a problem about a year ago: the DH was setting up his own business, and a female neighbour was helping, giving advice etc. They were spending time together - in our friends' house, whilst the DW was around - and occasionally in the woman's home (she was also married). Then one day the DH was going away on business and got a text from the neighbour, wishing she was going with him and how much she would miss him ... nothing had been going on as far as the DH was concerned, but this woman clearly had other ideas, and who knows what would have happened if our male friend hadn't shut her down and told his DW. Talk to your husband: if the roles were reversed, surely he would be expecting you to take a massive step back from a man who had form for overstepping the boundaries?

Offyougo · 07/04/2018 14:15

I wouldnt be happy about this eithe OP, dont see the need of messaging all day and meeting uo most days too, seems a lot.

Qwertyuiopy · 07/04/2018 14:15

She boasts of random men messaging her from the school run?!

She sounds like a twat!

tiggersneverdie · 07/04/2018 14:16

YANBU. This would be setting off alarm bells for me too.

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 14:17

YANBU - she sounds like she loves to create drama, I'd tell your husband to be very wary. If she ever private messages him, tell him not to reply, just stay in the group chat.

Qwertyuiopy · 07/04/2018 14:17

Ask your DH to not see her for a week or two. You’ll soon find out whether it’s him or just men in generally that she craves.

tiggersneverdie · 07/04/2018 14:17

I have to say if I were married I would not be happy with my DH spending time alone with another woman socially. That would feel weird to me.